Living with someone(s) can be hard whether it’s family, a partner/spouse, or random roommate. I am currently living what many people fear: Being married and living at home with your mom. My wife and I are in this situation not by choice – I’m not that big a loser – but because our house isn’t ready yet. This doesn’t seem to be an uncommon problem these days because of different delays in the houses being made in new subdivisions… the evil, rural killing, environment damaging, animal home shattering subdivisions… not that I have an opinion about them. My wife and I didn’t live together before getting married (crazy for this day and age I know), but last February we bought a house together, so we’d be ready to move in when we got married this past summer, but nope. A couple renovation ideas exploded and a month before the wedding trusted loved ones pulled us aside and said we needed to accept that the house wouldn’t be done and we needed to make arrangements to live somewhere while we finished. Both our mom’s offered a space and we agreed to stay in my mom’s basement because the other option was pretty much across the hall from Alyshia’s mom’s room, which less than ideal… not that living at your parents when you’re married is ideal in general. I don’t know if you’ve heard of wives trying to live with their husbands and their mom, but um, not normally a good choice. Normally there’s a clash between the wife and the mom where the wife is left threatening her husband to move out or be alone. I know I haven’t been married that long, but my wife and mom have been absolutely incredible together. I can’t commend them enough for how amazing they’ve been, especially since we all share a main bathroom. There have been no issues or tension; they’re not even fighting over who gets to do my laundry or feed me. Both of them have been super stars. Although to be honest, I’m not too surprised because they’ve been excellent with each other for the nine years my wife and I have been together. Of course, living together adds a new dynamic to any relationship, which is why friends can move in together and very quickly lose that title with each other. So how do you live with someone and get along? Here’s a simple acronym to help: FACT
Fun: If you’re going to live with someone you need to find a way to have fun together. It doesn’t have to be anything special; it could even be cleaning the bathroom together as long as you find a way to laugh with each other. What’s important is how you’re interacting. My mom has always been gifted at laughing and finding happy moments in the most mundane situations, which really helps our situation.
**Accommodate: Arguably the most important thing to have in a relationship because being stuck in your ways will frustrate others and drive them away. Both my wife and mom have been excellent at considering the other’s needs and to go out of each other’s way to make sure the other one feels appreciated and respected. This can be as simple as leaving a note to say when you’ll be home for dinner or out all day, trying to be quiet when someone is sleeping, and changing the milk bag when it’s empty.
Clarify: Clarifying intent is incredibly helpful. Working with couples and families I find people tend to feel like a victim with others attacking them when that wasn’t the case at all. It was just the other person’s misinterpretation. I run into this all the time because I like to joke with people, but sometimes it’s taken as an attack. For instance, I had someone tell me he didn’t like my car sign “Learn to Love Dumb People,” so I said thank you. I didn’t tell him I was thanking him because he made me practice what I teach, but I figured that was best. I highly recommend whenever you feel attacked by someone to clarify it. Alyshia will give me a look (every boyfriend and husband knows the “look”) so I’ll straight out ask her, “Do you think I’m mentally challenged?” I know the answer is ‘no’ but it’s good to hear because that’s the look she’s giving me.
Thank: If you want to have a healthy relationship with the person you live with find reasons to say thank you: “Thanks for doing the dishes,” “Thanks for being quiet when you came in last night,” and “Thanks for double flushing.” It’s a great way to show you noticed, you care, and you value the other person. Plus, it reminds you of the good the other person offers you, which , helps you like him or her more
This week with the people you live may you find a way to have fun, to accommodate their needs, to clarify anything that seems hurtful, and to thank them for what they do.
Living with someone(s) can be hard whether it’s family, a partner/spouse, or random roommate. I am currently living what many people fear: Being married and living at home with your mom. My wife and I are in this situation not by choice – I’m not that big a loser – but because our house isn’t ready yet. This doesn’t seem to be an uncommon problem these days because of different delays in the houses being made in new subdivisions… the evil, rural killing, environment damaging, animal home shattering subdivisions… not that I have an opinion about them. My wife and I didn’t live together before getting married (crazy for this day and age I know), but last February we bought a house together, so we’d be ready to move in when we got married this past summer, but nope. A couple renovation ideas exploded and a month before the wedding trusted loved ones pulled us aside and said we needed to accept that the house wouldn’t be done and we needed to make arrangements to live somewhere while we finished. Both our mom’s offered a space and we agreed to stay in my mom’s basement because the other option was pretty much across the hall from Alyshia’s mom’s room, which less than ideal… not that living at your parents when you’re married is ideal in general. I don’t know if you’ve heard of wives trying to live with their husbands and their mom, but um, not normally a good choice. Normally there’s a clash between the wife and the mom where the wife is left threatening her husband to move out or be alone. I know I haven’t been married that long, but my wife and mom have been absolutely incredible together. I can’t commend them enough for how amazing they’ve been, especially since we all share a main bathroom. There have been no issues or tension; they’re not even fighting over who gets to do my laundry or feed me. Both of them have been super stars. Although to be honest, I’m not too surprised because they’ve been excellent with each other for the nine years my wife and I have been together. Of course, living together adds a new dynamic to any relationship, which is why friends can move in together and very quickly lose that title with each other. So how do you live with someone and get along? Here’s a simple acronym to help: FACT
Fun: If you’re going to live with someone you need to find a way to have fun together. It doesn’t have to be anything special; it could even be cleaning the bathroom together as long as you find a way to laugh with each other. What’s important is how you’re interacting. My mom has always been gifted at laughing and finding happy moments in the most mundane situations, which really helps our situation.
**Accommodate: Arguably the most important thing to have in a relationship because being stuck in your ways will frustrate others and drive them away. Both my wife and mom have been excellent at considering the other’s needs and to go out of each other’s way to make sure the other one feels appreciated and respected. This can be as simple as leaving a note to say when you’ll be home for dinner or out all day, trying to be quiet when someone is sleeping, and changing the milk bag when it’s empty.
Clarify: Clarifying intent is incredibly helpful. Working with couples and families I find people tend to feel like a victim with others attacking them when that wasn’t the case at all. It was just the other person’s misinterpretation. I run into this all the time because I like to joke with people, but sometimes it’s taken as an attack. For instance, I had someone tell me he didn’t like my car sign “Learn to Love Dumb People,” so I said thank you. I didn’t tell him I was thanking him because he made me practice what I teach, but I figured that was best. I highly recommend whenever you feel attacked by someone to clarify it. Alyshia will give me a look (every boyfriend and husband knows the “look”) so I’ll straight out ask her, “Do you think I’m mentally challenged?” I know the answer is ‘no’ but it’s good to hear because that’s the look she’s giving me.
Thank: If you want to have a healthy relationship with the person you live with find reasons to say thank you: “Thanks for doing the dishes,” “Thanks for being quiet when you came in last night,” and “Thanks for double flushing.” It’s a great way to show you noticed, you care, and you value the other person. Plus, it reminds you of the good the other person offers you, which , helps you like him or her more
This week with the people you live may you find a way to have fun, to accommodate their needs, to clarify anything that seems hurtful, and to thank them for what they do.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people