Last week we looked at how rude behavior is rooted in disgust: “I’m better than you in some way and you should know that.” We also noted that sometimes what appears to be rude behavior isn’t true rude behavior because it’s actually rooted in fear or distraction. Since we can’t control other people’s behavior (I wish we could), we need to learn how to control our own with proper responses. When we’re given what looks like rude behavior, we have seven basic options:
- Yell at them for being rude
- Be rude back, which might include telling them they’re being rude
- Hold onto it for later as ammunition in a fight or to justify our own bad behavior
- Take it and feel hurt/weak about it
- Accept it as them having a bad moment and letting it go
- Double check what they’re trying to do with a good question in the moment
- Double check what they’re trying to do with a good question later when things are in a better spot – when people are angry, they’re not in the right headspace to listen or answer questions
Side Note: When I wrote the first option, “Yell at them,” I kind of laughed because of how foolish that seems… and then it hit me: “I do that.” My three year old is particularly good at being sassy and when she doesn’t get what she wants, she’ll happily move into pushing and hitting – it’s awesome. Those are some behaviors I definitely don’t want to treat in the fourth option, “Take it.” I need to squash that. Sometimes yelling in a stern way (not in the lack of self control way) is the right response. As a parent, it’s my job to raise my kids to be good people who are contributing members of society who preferably aren’t being regularly arrested for assault. As I’ve written before: I need to discipline my child now, so she can develop self discipline later when she’s older. My role isn’t to make her life “easier”; it’s to make her better because then her life will be better in the long run.
Based on the above seven options, when it comes to dealing with people who aren’t my kids, the first four are terrible… unless the goal is to be a terrible person; then they’re great. Currently that’s not on my to-do list, but we’ll see what happens as I get older and face three teenage daughters. Doing one of the bottom three options are the best choice, and which one I recommend depends on the situation. Last week, I mentioned a story where my wife appeared rude to me and I went with option five, “Accept it” because it wasn’t worth addressing. Why? Because I know her. I know I married a very reactive woman who is very direct with me. Her directness is a combination of her feeling safe enough with me (yea?) and because I’m an extension of her and how I act reflects her, which means she wants to keep me trying to live up to her standards (nothing like trying to live up to impossible woman standards; as a guy, mine are waaaay lower).
When it comes to responding to rudeness, sometimes we should go with option five, “Accept it” because “This isn’t worth my energy or time,” “That’s a person having a bad day,” or “There’s someone I’ll avoid in the future.” When it comes to closer connections, however, asking a question about rudeness can be important in order to reduce unnecessary hurt while also helping the other person see how they’re coming across. Pointing out the behavior in a gentle way (i.e. only with questions and never with statements) isn’t about correcting the other person as much as it is trying to prevent it from happening again. As someone who regularly says stupid things, I’m very grateful when people double check what my intention was when they’re not sure. This actually increases the sense of safety I have with them and builds our relationship: “I can trust you to assume the best of me or to at least ask me about it.”
So what does option six and seven look like in real life? Here’s part two of the story from last week. About a month after the Christmas party situation, while driving to church with the family and a friend, my five year old shared one of her favorite jokes, which involves a banana asking, “How are you peeling?” She thinks she’s hilarious. I recently heard a terrible/amusing joke, so I added, “Here’s a joke you can tell your teacher: If you’re cold, why should you stand in the corner? Because it’s 90 degrees.” My wife’s response was: (with light attitude) “Why would you tell her that joke? She’s not going to understand it. It doesn’t make any sense why you’d say that.” Not only was this response “direct” (aka rude) it was not the nicest for our daughter since my wife basically just called her dumb. Sure, our daughter won’t get the joke, but sometimes jokes are a great way to learn something, which is the whole premise of late night talk shows. I had a very manly response (aka I had a little pity party for one), which I should’ve kept to myself: (sulky) “I’m just going to shut up then,” (very manly). Ignoring me, my wife added a joke she’s said before: “What does toast wear to bed? Jammies.” I might be biased, but my stolen joke was better. What I should point out is when I shared my joke, it was partly to amuse our friend in the car and maybe even give my wife a chuckle. I also added the line, “Here’s a joke you can tell your teacher,” because my daughter might not get the joke, but her teacher would. Since my daughter loves to make people laugh, I was helping her… or so I thought. According to my wife, I was being dumb (aka I didn’t achieve woman standards).
What was my wife’s mistake (besides being a little rude)? She should’ve just groaned at the joke. Our kids like hearing that reaction. Plus, from there she could’ve told our daughter why it got that reaction. That would’ve been ideal. The second best option would’ve been to ask me why I thought she would like it: “Was that joke for our daughter to laugh at now or more about sharing with her teacher?” or “Was that joke really for our daughter or were you going for something else?” Instead, my wife shut me down and left me feeling too unsafe to talk anymore. And in my hurt, I was a whiney pants – oops.
Later that night we were driving to my mom’s for family dinner. Something came up about someone being rude and the mood felt right (timing is important), so I went with option seven and tried double checking her intention: “This morning on our way to church when I said my joke (reminding her of the moment), were to trying to playfully tease me or was that more of a putdown for doing something dumb (two options for her to consider as her intention)?” Another option would’ve been “…were you reacting out of confusion or just being very direct with me?” The main goal is to have one option be what it felt like with another being more positive.
When I first asked my question, my wife was confused why I would even ask, which I share because it can be helpful to see that even someone who uses this all the time like me can hit a roadblock. I pointed out I wanted to understand her intention, but she was still stuck on why I’d ask her this question. Now I was confused – it’s a simple question. Unfortunately, I was caught in the moment and didn’t realize her response meant she knew she had been rude, but didn’t want to admit it (again, even I can make a mistake doing this). I was also likely stuck on this idea that I wanted her to admit she was rude to feel validated (arguably a little childish). Instead, of letting it be, I brought up the situation with her mom as described last week: “So when we were at the Christmas party with your mom and I made my comment about the hot chocolate only to have you accuse me of being rude…” (wife) “Yeah, you were really rude.” (me) “I appeared rude, but I was going for lighthearted teasing. Was that what you were going for with me today or were you trying to shut me down?” This question seemed like a good idea (it wasn’t). I should’ve stopped pushing the issue (I didn’t). It only opened the door to my wife repeating how rude I had been (that was dumb even for guy standards). Instead of leaving it alone, I repeated my question (I think I mentioned timing is important – oops). This time she spun it to be: “Why do you always think the worst of me?” What’s great about this line is she stole it from me since I’ve used it countless times when I lost my cool and unable to use my two option questions (yes, I can screw up). She then threw in, “I know you’re just going to make me look like the bad guy.” These two lines felt like passive aggressive “whoa-is-me, I’m the victim” type lines, but they could’ve simply been expressions of frustration. When people are emotional, we say things we don’t mean. It’s just the first thing to come to our heads. Fortunately, I realized it was now time for option five: “Take it,” (took me long enough). My wife clearly wasn’t in the right headspace because her defensiveness had been triggered pretty hard. I should’ve recognized the futility of the conversation a few sentences sooner, but even I can get caught up in the moment.
So how do I find resolution when we’re not talking? The truth we often miss is resolution doesn’t have to include the other person admitting or even recognizing anything. Resolution is up to us and I needed to summarize the experience for me in one sentence: My wife had been rude to me and I was hurt, especially since she didn’t see it. That’s it. My wife wouldn’t have agreed with this and would’ve had a different sentence for her own resolution, but that’s normal. It’s about the person finding a one sentence conclusion that gives them a sense of resolution. I know my wife is a good person and has a very good heart, but sometimes things like tiredness and being uncomfortable (e.g. being pregnant) can affect her (like it does to everyone). I also know I chose to marry someone who can be more direct with me, so I can’t hold that against her now just like she can’t hold the fact I don’t live up to woman standards – women rarely achieve woman standards, so I don’t have much of a chance.
This week may you feel validated knowing that even I can screw up even though I teach better communication tools and use it as a reason to keep trying to handle rudeness properly.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)