I really enjoy the show Royal Pains, but in the second season the one female character says to an engaged Indian woman who is following her culture’s belief of saving sex to marriage, “How can you marry him if you haven’t had sex? What if it’s bad?” Um, is that why you marry someone because they’re good at sex? If that were the case, we should all be spending a lot more time taking classes on sex techniques, and as a marriage therapist, my main focus should be teaching better sex moves instead of better communication and how to better handle anger. This idea in the show follows the current society’s self absorbed and self gratification at all costs mindset. What if the sex was bad? Is that a reason not to be married to a good person, with many strong compatibilities and an ability to provide a very comfortable lifestyle? It’s just sex! It’s not life required. People don’t call 911 about to die because they haven’t had good sex in awhile: (caller) “Please help! I’m about to die from not having sex.” (dispatcher) “Oh no, that’s the greatest tragedy of all. How much time do you think you have left to live? I’ll send someone over there immediately to save you… ask for him to use the defibrillator. It adds a whole new kick to the experience.” Sex isn’t something 90 year olds on their deathbed are saying with regret: (90 year old) “I had a great life with a wonderful family and satisfying career… but I really wish I had of experienced better sex.” Sorry this is a pet peeve for me because our culture has glorified sex to this obsession. Sure it’s a wonderful gift from God, but it shouldn’t be the reason we are in a relationship with someone, and especially not a reason to be unfaithful to our partner. Sex is a great tool to add to the intimacy we’ve already developed with our partner, but it’s not the greatest thing in the world; it just adds to it… the greatest thing in the world is love for those who are wondering.
That being said, how do you have great sex? Great sex simply means you are feel satisfied. It means you relieved your hormones and you feel connected to your partner in a deeper way. It doesn’t take a genius or a professionally trained expert to have great sex, which is part of the incredible nature of it. Most “professionals” aka porn stars aren’t great at sex. They’re just great at looking like they’re enjoying sex. If anything their sex lives probably suck because who wants to do at home what you do at work?
To have great sex there are two main requirements with a third bonus piece. Next week I’ll offer a few more specific details, but for this week I want to keep it simple. To have great sex you need:
- Two people wanting to please each other: This leads to a balanced and fair experience.
- Two people willing to be pleased in return: You both need to be open to being pleased because that’s pleasing to your partner.
- Bonus: Two people who are in good physical shape and healthy limberness
If you know me, you know my wife and I saved sex for marriage, so this argument in the show Royal Pains hits a sensitive spot, especially since I think saving sex for marriage was one of the best decisions I ever made. You could argue I don’t know what “great” sex is because I haven’t had enough partners to compare, but what if you’ve had 100 partners and they were all bad? You still wouldn’t now “great” sex from the technical side of things. I know I’ve had great sex because both my wife and I are happily satisfied and feel a deeper connection with each other through it. Sure we’re not technique experts, but I’d argue that many newbies enjoy sex more than those who have been doing it a long time. It’s like playing sports. The first while of playing something like hockey you’re not the best player, but you often enjoy it more than the professionals because it’s fresh and new. You’re not obsessed with all the rules and nuances of it; you’re liberated. You’re just doing what you can, learning, and enjoying it. Next week I’ll offer a few more actual tips on sex, but for this week I want it clear that great sex is something we are all capable of doing no matter how smart or dumb, coordinated or spastic we are… good thing. Sex is a gift God has given that we can all enjoy when it’s shared between two people who want to please the other and be pleased in return. If things aren’t so hot in the bed, maybe it’s time for a relationship tune up, so you’ll want to please each other again.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people