Have you ever heard the expression, “You don’t buy a shoe without trying it on”? I hate this saying. Yes, I agree you should try on shoes before buying them… that just makes sense… but this statement is used to explain why you “need” to have sex with someone before you get married. Um, I don’t think buying a shoe is the same as picking a partner for life. Don’t get me wrong; I wish this was the case. I wish finding a partner was as easy as going to the mall, going through a few stores to see what’s available, and then picking out your favourite ones in the colour and size you prefer: (me) “Yes, I like the sexy medium, blond one… I mean brunette.” I’d better say brunette since that’s what my wife is… or I guess you could say she’s super dirty blond, but that sounds like I’m saying something else. Finding a partner is not like buying shoes because shoes just wear out, which I hope isn’t your experience in a relationship (wife) “He used to look so good, but as soon as I bought him he fell apart, and now he’s a lazy loafer.” Finding a partner is more like buying track pants. The joy of track pants is one size fits many people because they can stretch or be worn baggy. Plus, you have a pretty good guess by looking at them if they’ll fit. They’re not like jeans where you need to try them on because every style and pair of jeans fits differently. Track pants are easy: (guy buying track pants) “I’m a medium, but there’s only this large one left… ehn, it’ll work.” Picking a partner is like picking track pants because one person can fit many different people. Like track pants, people adjust to you. The truth is this whole “you should try the person on first” idea is dumb because people are rarely great their first time; they need to adapt and grow. This was the case for me with my first kiss. My first kiss was terrible. Sure, I’d watched people do it on TV and as a teen I stared awkwardly at the kids making out in the hallways at school (me) “Um, I think the couple over there is better at kissing than you. You need a napkin for all the slobber.” But watching doesn’t prepare you for being good at it. My first kiss involved the word “ow” by my girlfriend and me tasting blood. If I was a vampire that would’ve been a great kiss… although arguably it still wasn’t great because I tasted my own blood. In that moment I quickly learned that bashing teeth is not sexy. But after that moment my girlfriend and worked very hard at getting better at it, and we got really good. We adapted and grew. When I started dating my wife, our first kiss was much better; for one she’ didn’t say “ow” and I didn’t end up bleeding. But it wasn’t as good as what my previous girlfriend and I had achieved, but again we practiced and adapted and it got better. That’s the way it’s supposed to work. The first time should never be as good as what you can do later for each other. If it is… you really need to get some help. Regardless, when picking someone to be with in a committed relationship remember sex fades (e.g. I’m guessing you’re parents, if still married, aren’t as sexually active with each other as they once were). What you want to know is if the person you’re considering choosing to be a partner for life appreciative, respectful, and understanding? Is this person good at love? It’s a lot easier to train someone to be good in bed than it is to train him or her to be a good person.
That being said, last week I promised tips to have great sex, so here they are (also the same tips for great kissing):
- Communication: This is the ultimate key to being good. How can you or your partner get what you want if you’re not communicating it? We need to make it known what’s working or not in order to get more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
- Be a Safe Person: Be okay with being told what works and doesn’t to help make it easier for your partner to be honest. If you’re not a safe person, your partner won’t be as open as you need and will withhold helpful tips to help you be great sexually.
- Experiment: Try new things even if you have to do a little research to keep things fresh (e.g. talk to people, read a book or magazine, go to a sex store, watch an educational video, etc.)
- Exercise: Looking your best always helps your self esteem and your partner’s desire. Plus, it can give you the energy and strength to hold yourself in different positions.
- Stretch: During sex it’s not sexy to pull a muscle… you know what I mean: (guy) “Ow, my hammy.” (girl) “Mmm, I love when you’re injured.” It’s also helpful to be more flexible for sex because it’s more comfortable for you, and you can do more positions.
- Practice: Kissing and sex are both things you need to practice to get better at, so practice… with your partner.
- Work at Love: If you and your partner love each other emotionally it’s going to add to your sexual intimacy.
- Reduce your Stress: Stress kills the mood and your drive… get it under control even if it means seeing a therapist.
You ultimately don’t need to “try the person on” because a good person will want to grow and make you happy and to let you make him or her happy in return, which is what you ultimately need in a healthy, intimate relationship.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, How to love dumb people