One of the biggest problems we have with communication in marriage is not accepting the fact that men and women are different – and boy, are we different. I know some people like to claim that we’re all the same, but that’s impossible when you consider one has XX chromosomes and the other XY, which explains why women often ask, “Y are you so dumb? Oh, right. You’re minus an X.” As a therapist, one of the most common differences I’ve noticed between men and women is that one gender tends to be mean and the other is oblivious. Occasionally the roles are reversed, but it’s pretty steady. Any guesses how this is distributed, mean versus oblivious? Here’s a scenario my wife still reminds me of that happened 15 years ago – women also tend to have better long term memories… at least for mistakes the guy makes. We were at a wedding and the bridesmaids were walking down the aisle trying not to look awkward despite all the strangers looking at them. While the one was attempting to strut despite her lack of experience in heals, I leaned over to my wife (my girlfriend at the time) and snickered, “That one really let herself go,” and then waited for her to laugh at my uncouth observation. If you’re a guy, you’ll probably understand this kind of joke. It’s up there with “Smell this… it’s disgusting.” It’s funny because it’s wrong. If you’re a woman, you’re probably thinking, “Chad’s a jerk,” and you’d have the same response as my wife. After I shared my comment, I watched for my wife’s face to have that “I can’t believe you just said that; you’re so naughty” laugh moment, but it never came. Instead, my wife looked at me like “Are you serious?” She then whispered, “She’s pregnant.” Now, that moment would be extra funny if I was like “Yeah, that’s the joke,” but here’s the thing – I had no idea. I just saw this woman with a dress that must have been crammed on after covering her in butter like getting a ring on or off that’s too small. The zipper was screaming, “How long do we have to hold this thing together? We need reinforcements!” In my defense, I wasn’t judging this young woman. I just wanted to make my wife laugh… and failed miserably. My wife was appalled (and not just because the people around us could hear me – oops). She couldn’t understand how I could be so oblivious.
Now let’s consider a different situation. It was the third year of dating my wife, which was back when she lived at home with her mom and sister – that was a lot of estrogen. If you didn’t know, girls typically don’t share home space well. This is partly because women are nesters and, therefore, want to be able to make their home the way they want it. Sisters become competition and it gets even worse if one or both borrows clothing – then it gets real nasty. If you met either sister in public then or now you would think they are the friendliest and happiest people, but at home… whoa. At home it was a very different situation. I should point out that as soon as my wife’s sister moved out of the house, their dynamic improved and now they’re very close. It’s funny how distance and being able to have their own nest can make it easier for girls to be close.
I should also point out that I came from a home that if someone yelled once a year, it was shocking. At my wife’s house, if someone yelled only once a day, it was shocking. When we first started dating, we were both thrown off. My wife didn’t think my family loved each other (yelling was something you did with people you loved) while I thought they were nuts. One of us was right. But who’s more nuts, the person who’s nuts or the other person who willingly dates, marries, and has kids with someone he knows is nuts? I think I win; yea?
In this situation between my wife and her sister, my wife locked herself in her bedroom while her sister screamed through the closed door at her. I don’t remember what exactly was said, but I think it was something like: (sister) “I love you so much!” (wife) “No, I love you more!” (sister) “No, I love you more because you’re so amazing. The proof is how amazing your boyfriend is!” (wife) “You’re right. I must be super amazing to have a guy like him!” While this vocal workout was going on, the sister’s boyfriend and I ended up sitting in the living room waiting for things to calm down. We were smart enough to know not to get between two sisters expressing their love for each other. If you could see the two very opposite scenes, it was pretty funny, but what was really funny was the actual conversation us two guys had: (me) “So how was your week? (Girls screaming in the background.)” (boyfriend) “It was pretty good. (More screaming.)” (me) “Uh, Mike? I can see your testicle.” (boyfriend) “Huhn, you’re right.” That was a very strange moment for us. The boyfriend was wearing shorts with a giant hole in them (he was cheaper than I’ve ever been) and that hole had made arrangements to be in line with the opening of his boxers – delightful.
When it comes to hurting your partner, I find there are four main reasons for women doing it. The first is women tend to be really mean to themselves and this spills over to the person who is their extension – it’s very romantic. The second is more about payback and punishment: “You hurt me, so I’m going to hurt you back. That’ll teach you.” The third reason is some women hurt their partner because they want you to know your place. They have the control and you need to back off. The fourth and probably more common reason is about being understood: “I’m hurt and if you don’t show me the care I need, you must not understand how hurt I am. This means I need to hurt you to make you be on the same level as I am because then you’ll properly understand.” At least that’s the positive spin I like to give. It’s not being hurtful to be cruel. Bully driven guys who are trying to be cool to their buddies or want to shut down the competition are more likely to be cruel. All that being said, certain women like my mom would never hurt anyone (except to protect her kids). The only person these people will hurt is themselves as they take the blame for everything while giving others a free pass. The majority of men I know and meet, however, didn’t marry women like my mom – they’re pretty rare.
From my experience, many teenage boys have a tendency to be like girls when it comes to meanness as they try to knock down other guys who are the competition. Married men, however, tend to be different. We’re not in competition anymore. Now we’re in survival mode. Thus, we tend to go another way: “Can we just have fun and relax?” The common husband phrases are “That upset you? Why? I was joking,” or “Why is my being honest make you so angry? You asked my opinion, and I gave you an honest answer.” Men tend to be oblivious. One of the reasons we’re oblivious is because we’re not the one making the social rules – women do. If I happen to follow social rules it’s likely because I was originally trained by my mom and sister who then passed the baton to my wife. I just want people around me to be happy, so I’ll follow some rules if that helps, but sometimes the rules don’t make any sense or I’m too lazy to care. I’m not trying to be mean – why would I? What’s the logical reason to be mean? Meanness is more of an emotional response.
In marriage, I find guys less wanting to hurt their partner and more “I’m hurt, so I’m going to stuff it down and/or hide from you.” I know when my wife has a bad moment, I immediately shutdown and it’ll last until I feel safe enough. It’s this mix of “I’m scared you’ll hurt me more” and “I don’t want you to criticize me for how I feel.” For instance, the other day I had a spare moment, so I moved a plant in the back garden. My wife is a little more casual about our gardens, but I was really happy with how it made the garden look from the kitchen window, especially when it was her favourite plant. When I showed it to her, her response was “I don’t really care right now.” Her “right now” comment is a good reminder that timing is huge in communication, but I would argue my timing was fine; her response just sucked. She should’ve simply replied, “That looks great.” It’s less words. Plus, it’s nicer. That’s how my mom would’ve responded. (Can I say that? I don’t know; I’m oblivious.) It often seems women burn themselves out trying to make everyone happy, which means there isn’t anything left at home for the husband. The husband, on the other hand, is expected to accept what is given him because after all, “Happy wife, happy life,” and “Happy husband… who cares? Is the woman happy?”
Can you imagine if I had responded to my wife the way she did to me and then she told her friends? I’d sound like the biggest jerk in the world. There’s a double standard in communication, however, that says husbands need to suck it up. If you’re a woman and it feels like it’s the reverse, you got screwed. Women are supposed to rule the roost; they nest and get the husband to help. If the husband doesn’t help make the nest better then again, she got screwed. This idea also connects to why women often get stuck thanking and praising their husband’s more than the husbands do in return. A lot of women get upset because they do more around the house, yet when their husband does something good, he wants to be affirmed. This is because women hold more power in the home (or they typically do). This is, again, a double standard that is the result of a double standard. Which came first? I have no idea, but we both have our double standards to deal with, so it all works out in the end.
One of the struggles for women is they want to make things better and it can feel like they’re not alone in their emotion as guys tend to be more easygoing to lazy. It’s hard for them not to get fed up and use digs and complaints. I get it; guys are annoying. There’s a reason I didn’t marry one.
The main reason recognizing this specific difference that one gender tends to be mean and the other is oblivious is it should reduce the hurt. Women need to remember that the guy is oblivious and not trying to be mean. Any hurt is the result of their interpretation. Sure, the guy can try to be more sensitive, but if his goal isn’t to be hurtful, why do you need to feel so much hurt? It was an accident. It’s like the difference between someone purposely plowing into your car versus someone who made a mistake. The intention should matter in how it’s interpreted. You can still be upset, but it shouldn’t be nearly as bad. At the same time, if someone is trying to be mean, we shouldn’t take it personally – it’s what they do like a cat slinking away when you try to pet them. A mean person is trying to communicate something even if it’s they suck.
This week may you see how men and women being different can make us all better.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)