Words are powerful. The right words can put an idea into our head that can lead to success while those like loser, ugly, useless, mistake, pig, and stupid can continue to haunt us for life. Fortunately, because of this power, we can effectively change the state of our relationships with just words. In my therapy practice I have found there are 5 main categories of words for building up relationships. Each category will resonate with us in a different way. For instance, one category will stick out as something we really want while another will be something that we can take or leave. Knowing these category preferences can make a big difference for main 5 reasons:
- Knowing what words we need to hear the most gives us the opportunity to share this with the right people like our partner so he or she can give them to us.
- Receiving what we need helps us feel more loved, which encourages us to be nicer to those around us.
- If we are aware of what we need we’ll be able to understand why other words, or lack of certain words, will hurt us so much.
- If we start to watch what words mean more to those around us, we’ll know how to more effectively encourage these people.
- Helping others feel loved will lead them to being nicer to us, which makes our lives easier
The 5 categories of words are fairly obvious when you see them, but using them properly becomes the challenge. Experiment with them and see what works for you those around you.
Praise: Praise appeals to the competitive side of people. It’s saying, “You’re number one,” “You’re the smartest,” or “World’s greatest parent.” Praise is about making someone feel like the best at something.
Compliments: Compliments are less about being the best, and simply being good, “You look nice today,” “Wow, you’re really good at that,” and “That’s really impressive.” Compliments are simply acknowledging what is done well; it doesn’t have to be the “best”; it just needs to be recognition.
Appreciation: Saying ‘thank you’ has many benefits for both the giver and receiver. Saying thank you helps the givers remember that they are fortunate, which ultimately helps them be happier. Having someone say thank you to us points out that our effort is valued. It doesn’t have to be a grand thing to deserve a thank you; it just needs to be something that helps in some way. Holding a door isn’t a big deal, but saying thank you acknowledges the person’s care. It says ‘you’re not a self absorbed jerk who only thinks about yourself, and that makes me happy.” Some people really struggle to receive praise or compliments, which makes appreciation all the more valued. This is a good starting point to get the receiver used to being given positive feedback. If you don’t like being given compliments or like them too much, that’s an area you need to work on because having a healthy appreciation of compliments is important for growing proper self esteem.
Apology: Apologizing can mean the world to some people. It’s essentially saying I did something that either hurt you or could potentially hurt you, and I now know I shouldn’t have. Apologizing helps us realize we’re not perfect and points out this fact to the other person. Unfortunately, saying sorry can become a knee-jerk reaction for people afraid of conflict, which ruins its effects.
I Love You: Saying I love you means a lot to some people. It only means trouble for me because a number of people who said they loved me were the ones wielding the sharpest knives they used to stab me in the back. Of course, this is just my experience… don’t be jealous… and for others hearing ‘I love you’ is the difference between a great day and terrible one.
May this be the start of sharing love in a stronger way.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people