Most people are surprised to hear that I am naturally a shy person because I often come across as an extrovert, especially since I love public speaking. This impression is especially prevalent when I’m in a leadership position since I tend to have more courage to speak up. When I’m with peers, however, my natural tendency is to hide and when I’m with someone of authority I freeze. This really doesn’t bode well when I have to talk to police: (Cop) “You must be guilty for something because you’re way too nervous to be innocent.” I especially hate crossing the border or airport security: (Guard) “Sir, I’m going to have to search you; no one innocent sweats that much.” Fortunately, when I was a teenager my youth pastor told me that I need to learn how to keep conversations going; that I can’t simply expect others to do all the talking and asking of questions. This started a journey of trying to figure out what it means to have good communication skills, which has led me to a spot where I can actually enjoy starting conversations with cashiers and random people. For instance, the other day I was at a gas station and I said to a gentleman filling his car: “Looks like you’re doing well,” which led to a short conversation about his career and how he now drives a BMW. Knowing how to start conversations is not only helpful for making new friends, it’s invaluable for reconnecting with old ones. Seeing an old friend can be great… until you realize you have nothing to say: “Hey, it’s been a long time. Good to see you… okay, see ya.” The following is an acronym I created as a tool to have something to generate conversation. I’ve been working on it for many years and changed it a number of times, but, presently, this is what I use: JAO-CHAO (‘jay-o-chay-o’)
- J: Joke
- A: Appreciate
- O: Observation
- C: Compliment
- H: Help
- A: Apologize
- O: Open ended questions
Joke: When I say joke I don’t mean: “Knock, knock…” or “Your mama is so fat…” What I mean is simple, jokey comments about something in your environment. For instance, I love to poke fun at a rude customer to the cashier after he or she is gone, “Someone needs her diaper changed.” It’s not ha-ha, but it’s a jest aimed at breaking the ice or any negativity in the air. Cashiers really appreciate it after a bad customer and you can see them be happier after.
Appreciate: Saying thank you to someone for what they’re doing, even if it’s their job, is a great way to start a conversation or to simply make their day.
Observation: This follows the concept of the joke where you point something out, but there’s no humor involved. People naturally go to weather: “Sure is cold today,” but I suggest going for something different or be really specific about something general like the weather: “That rain reminds me of…” “Glad I’m not wearing a dress like that person; it’s freezing out.” Company labels on shirts can also be something to ask about: “Do you work there?” Hospital chaplains use this a lot, “It must be hard to be here.” Notice how it’s a statement rather than a question? They do this because patients are often overwhelmed with questions by nurses and doctors, so they imply a question through a statement.
Compliment: Compliments are great if you don’t go too personal. Avoid things like: “Your cleavage is like a pool I want to jump in.” Complimenting eyes or hair can work sometimes, but it’s better to be less specific, “You have a great smile,” or, “You have great fashion sense.” If you go specific, it’s best to not go into body parts, and to stick to clothing like: “That’s a great shirt,” or, “You’re walking on that ice very well.” (Can you tell it’s snowing out while I’m writing this?)
Help: Helping is a great tool. If you see someone struggling give them a hand. If someone drops something, pick it up for him or her. I once saw a lady’s grocery cart blow over, and when I helped her she was very comfortable talking to me after. This helps point out to create conversation the goal is to be safe.
Apologize: Apologizing is a safe way to start a conversation, especially if you want to meet a guy or girl. A perfectly timed bump into each other or going to grab an item on the shelf at the same time is a very Hollywood intro, and a smooth conversation starting point. Just make sure it’s not obvious… unless the plan is to go obvious so you can make fun of yourself after: “How was that for breaking the ice? Was I too obvious?” Note, making fun of yourself is light and not heavy like: “I bumped into you because I’m so incompetent I can’t control my limbs.”
Open Ended Questions: Open ended questions are questions that can’t be answered with one word like yes, no, or fine. It’s about opening the door to explanations: “What’s your favourite…” “What do you suggest for…” “What’s the best thing that happened today?” The second could have been said as: “Any suggestions for…” but that can lead to a one word response, “No.” The third question is usually stated as “Anything good happen today?” but again that leads to the person usually saying a one word response, “No.” Asking for something will more likely push the person to think of something to say.
Using JAO-CHAO won’t solve all of your conversation problems, but it can be very helpful. It’s time people stopped hiding behind the excuse of ‘I’m shy,’ because at some point being shy is a nice way of saying ‘I’m rude.’
This week may you strike the courage to talk to someone in a way that lifts his or her spirits and makes a difference in his or her day.
Rev. Chad David, Emotional Sex, emotional tune up