In my book, 52 Lessons for a Better Relationship (a free download under the book section on my website – plug, plug, plug), the first lesson shares a tool I find very helpful for figuring out how to live your life: What are the five things you want said about you at your funeral. Do you want to be someone who’s known for traveling? Great, travel. Do you want to be someone known for being close with family? Great, you better prioritize your family. Do you want to be someone who buys a lot of cool stuff? Super great… if you invite me over to use it. One of my goals is to try a lot of cool stuff (preferably paid for by others). For instance, my brother has a big pool – score. I’m happy to use it to help him feel like he’s getting his money’s worth (I’m so nice). Also on my list is I role modeled emotional health and was a light in this often dark world. That means I need to know what it means to be emotionally healthy and put what I learn into practice while also covering myself in glow stick juice (that’s a lot easier for being a light in the world than actually being nice).
Let’s consider this question in a slightly different way: If people were to summarize you in five main points, what would they say about you? You played a lot of video games? Oooh. Drank a lot of beer? Nice. Caused drama wherever you went? Good times. It’s unfortunate that so many people don’t consider what others think of them because our culture promotes only focusing on yourself. 1 Corinthians 10:24 says, “Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.” Talk about a teaching that would make a lot of so-called modern professionals angry: “No, it’s supposed to be all about doing what makes you happy! You do you; not what’s best for the greater good.” What I like about this verse is it’s not saying, “Give until it hurts,” or “You’re less than others.” It’s about caring for others. If we all cared for others (in a healthy way), we’d all be taken care of. When we focus on ourselves, we’re being selfish. When we focus solely on others, we’re a doormat. Emotionally healthy people find the balance of caring about others and ourselves. Since we naturally worry about ourselves, trying to focus on others like the verse suggests can help us be a little more in balance.
The other week I did a funeral – not my favourite thing. I rarely do funerals because it’s hard to put the “fun” in funerals. Weddings are so much better. There’s more joy and hope… and life. And that’s why I avoid funerals. I say stupid things and people have less patience when they’re sad. That being said, weddings and funerals are the same insofar that they are both times when we should take a moment to reflect on how we’re doing. At weddings it’s to consider how we’re doing in our marriage and how well we’re working at connecting to our partner, and at funerals, it’s to consider how we’re living our lives. At this funeral, I mentioned my exercise on pursuing the five things you want said at your funeral and then I summarized this person’s life: She was a very dedicated worker who was passionate about what she did, especially as it supported her country and other people in general. She was a devoted daughter and wife, and she never wanted to be a bother to others including family. The woman whose funeral I did lived to be 101, which is pretty crazy. What’s also crazy is I was told to expect three people at the service and then six showed up. She doubled what was expected – ooooh. A lot of people think living to 101 is amazing, but she saw everyone she knew growing up die. Every boss and co-worker when she started working – dead. Even a lot of their kids would likely have passed before her. Living long means burying a lot of people. Maybe her social distance was a form of self preservation. Maybe seeing the changes around her were too much for her, so she shut herself out. Life was definitely different in the 1920s, but her life was pretty much the opposite of what I’d want. I want people to miss me. I want to have connected with so many people in a meaningful way six attendants at my funeral wouldn’t be double the expected number to show.
The one thing on her list that stood out to me is “not wanting to be a bother.” I wrote this list based on some meager details I was given, but this will make more sense when we consider another exercise: Summarize your life in one paragraph. Here’s the paragraph I wrote for this person based on what I was given:
She was born in east Hamilton in 1922, the middle child… never a good spot; the youngest is always the best. In 1941 her dad was killed in an industrial accident, which added to a very strong bond being forged with her mom. Growing up, she fervently listened to the radio to hear what was going on overseas with the build up to war and then through it. During that time she was inspired to do all she could to help and was soon working as the personal secretary for a naval officer at Hamilton’s H.M.C.S. She often worked 7 days a week and did long hours after her normal work day at home in order to continue working while being close to her mom. She, however, took a little bit of time Sunday night to play the game Sorry with her two nephews and niece. In 1951 she met the love of her life on a ship when she and her mom were on a trip to England. 10 years later her mom passed and within a short time, she was living in England and married to her love. That man waited 10 years for her. She must have been special… or England women were that crazy. Being the dedicated worker, this woman soon became a manager at a large country estate. She became a widow in the 1970s and in 2001 her younger brother, helped her return to Canada where she spent the next 20 plus years in a retirement home.
Her life sounds kind of sad. What I didn’t include in this paragraph is even worse. After returning to Canada, she didn’t tell her two nephews and niece. They randomly found out ten years after her return. They pretty much knew her only until she moved to England while her other two nephews were born after she left and they only knew her when she returned to Canada since she was in the same retirement home as their parents until they passed. Those two nephews shared the responsibility of driving her home from the hospital when she was sent there by the retirement home and they said she was very apologetic for being a bother. That was her family connection – sad.
I learned two things from doing her service. First I want to be a bother. That’s how you stay connected. Giving people space creates emotional distance, so we need to call friends and interrupt them once in awhile. We need to make plans to see people or we’ll lose that connection. The second thing I learned is that when you summarize a life, it’s more what you do with your time and with whom you spend it. Stuff really has limited value. If someone wrote, “They owned a big house,” who’d really care unless there was a chance you could inherit it? What you do with your time and your heart is what really matters.
This is how I concluded my service:
As I near the end of today’s service, I missed one important detail about this person; she was a woman of faith. She may be gone, but when she opens her eyes she will get to see her savior, Jesus. This also means you can see her again one day, which is always a bit of comfort. The best gift we can give our loved ones is the reassurance that they will see us again.
As a practical woman, I think the best Bible passage for me to read today is from Ecclesiastes: There is a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance… A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all… So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God. (Ecc 3:2-13)
This was not a riveting heartwarming ending. It was practical – like her. The one thing she did right was be a believer, but she certainly didn’t live as a believer should – we’re supposed to be a light; not a body in a retirement home hiding in order to not be a bother.
Life is meant to be seen as a balance between meaningless and a precious gift. We need to value it enough to live it well, but not so much that we become obsessed with having the “perfect” life. Life is pretty simple, and it’s best summarized in the last line of that verse. Life is about taking time to eat and drink (i.e. connecting with others and enjoying the simple things like food) and enjoying the fruits of our labor (i.e. have accomplishments we can be proud of achieving).
This week may you consider what you want said at your funeral in five points and a paragraph.
Rev. Chad David, chaddavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)