I recently had a friend tell me that she went out with a guy a few months ago, but she wasn’t interested enough for a second date. Despite her disinterest, he continued asking her out and whether it was more his persistence or her just feeling particularly lonely, she gave it another try. On the second date he was very excited to be with her and talked about all the things he wanted to do with her like day trips to Toronto and a vacation in Europe. She wasn’t particularly into him, but she was glad to have someone interested in her… or so she thought, duhn, duhn, duhnnnn. A couple days later he messaged her to apologize and bail. The plus side is he didn’t ghost her, but despite his enthusiasm on the second date he was done. She was floored. Based on last week’s post on types of words people like, he was probably someone who enjoyed sharing “dreaming/imagining words,” which explains his talking about trips, but this doesn’t explain why he would suddenly bail. Maybe he was all about the chase and when she showed a little interest he lost his. Maybe she said something that he later thought about and it really bugged him. Maybe after seeing her the second time he realized she wasn’t as good a catch as he first thought. When she told me her story my first question was: “So who is the other girl?” She was surprised by this response, but then she told me that he had mentioned an ex he still hoped to get back with, but she figured this was just a line. Like most women, she assumed it was her; she must have done something wrong or not been good enough in some way. She must be the reason he lost interest. I then told her that the odds are she’s a better catch than the other girl (she’s a very good person… hence she’s a friend). The real problem was this guy’s loyalty was making him dumb. He was being overly loyal to someone who dumped him and wasn’t likely getting back with him. It’s kind of sad. In this case, this new potential relationship ended because of his issues and not hers. It’s not that she wasn’t good enough. Instead, it was his unhealthy attachment. How do I know this? Because I did the same thing… well, not exactly the same thing because I was never that dumb. Years ago, however, I chose to date a very attractive girl over a really hot one. Yeah, being really hot didn’t matter in that case, and I’m as superficial as any guy. I didn’t date a lot of girls, but the ones I did date were all 8s or 9s. How did I get girls this hot? I never said they were smart… they were, but that seemed like the right joke to write there.
When I was twenty one there was a girl I had gone to church with for many years, but never really talked to because she was three years younger and at this time I was (said as snobby as possible) in university. We ended up connecting, however, because she got hired at my part time job where we worked and talked for about six months until the job ended because it was one of those old movie theaters that got shutdown. We got along so well we continued hanging out and over the next six months I asked her out three times. Yes, three times. Was that because she said yes the first time and I enjoyed asking her out as a joke? Nope. She shot me down every time, and I, the brilliant young man that I was, kept trying to convince her otherwise. Of course, by that third rejection I decided I should expand my options. I ended up secretly going on a date with a different girl from my former high school that I thought was really attractive when I was there. I don’t remember how we ended up talking again, but she had become super hot since the last time I had seen her. This new girl was pretty awesome. She was a always a good student and friendly, which was helped by the fact that she didn’t reach the really hot category until the end of high school, so she had time to develop her character. For our second date we went out for breakfast the day I was flying to Europe for two weeks with a group from my former high school. It was a great breakfast together. She was amazing and she insisted on paying… wow (don’t worry I paid for the first date). After this really great time together, I dropped her off at her house and hugged her good bye. It was a great moment… and then I left to pick up the first girl who wanted to hang out while I packed. Jerk move on my part, right? I was like a player… who had no idea he was being a turd because I was so naive. The best part of this story is on the trip I fell hard for a third girl. She had a boyfriend, so nothing happened, but that doesn’t help my “player” status. I think I’m the only player who was a player and yet had never kissed a girl; I was that cool. Fun fact, after that Europe trip, I later found out the girl I liked on the trip dumped her boyfriend. Apparently, once she hung out with me her boyfriend was lame… at least that’s what I tell myself so I feel better. The truth is this girl never reached out to talk to me again, but I’m sure I was the reason.
After the Europe trip, the first girl told me that she really missed me, so we ended up seeing each other more seriously. We weren’t official, but we were more serious. I really had no game. We weren’t a “couple” until a month later, and I got my first kiss a month after that. We really took things slow (like an old person on the highway slow). This girl said that my being away for a couple weeks helped her realize she wanted to be with me, so I jumped at the chance, and stopped talking to the breakfast girl. If I was an outsider, I’d be screaming, “Are you an idiot? Go for the breakfast girl!” Fun fact, breakfast girl became a teacher (benefits, pension, and lots of money) and later became a star athlete at Ultimate Frisbee, which is the sport I’ve played since high school. I now see her every once in awhile and her team always crushes mine. On paper she was the dream woman and I ended up with someone who later dumped me for her dream woman. Ironically the woman I was dumped for was manlier than me. It’s pretty funny. You could say I got what I deserved, but in retrospect it all worked out. I had an incredible five years dating the first girl, and it ultimately led me to my wife and being who I am today and breakfast girl went on to having a great life with a guy who could easily treat her better than I did.
So why didn’t I go for the hot girl who was also a great person? Like a typical guy, I was too attached to the first girl to let her go. We had a history together and my loyal side was in overdrive. Just like with my friend; it had nothing to do with her, and it was all about me. It’s important for people to understand that most times your rejection has nothing to do with you and all about the other person. We also want to be careful with our loyalty because sometimes we really should just let go.
This week may you see that when people have an issue, it’s really their issue.
Rev Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people