This past holiday weekend I had the privilege of being at my wife’s family cottage to join the shenanigans going on in South Hampton. (The downside of being self employed is you don’t get set holidays, so you sneak in short getaways whenever you can.) On the Saturday night I was jogging along the beach path at my usual 11pm time after everything in the cottage had settled. Early in my jog, a guy similar in age was walking toward me with a dog and before I could say anything, he said hi (like a decent person), and I responded: “Wow, that’s one of the first times someone has beat me to saying hi. Well done.” That’s strange, isn’t it? Why was that my first thought? “You’re saying hi without being prompted? Weird. People normally suck.” About an hour later on my return home (I stopped to enjoy the stars at a rest spot; I’m not that dedicated to jogging), I was approaching the point on the beach path where it’s very dark and there’s a bend (a less than ideal spot for a bend). Five young guys in their twenties chatting with each other were coming the other direction The one guy said to his friends, “Watch out guys; someone is coming,” and then they all moved over for me. In as cheerful a voice I could muster despite jogging I said, “Thank you,” and carried on. What was weird was my body felt shock at their actions: “Did you young guys just show me politeness? Wow, I can’t believe it.” This is not the response I should have to basic human decency. This time last year that wouldn’t have been my response, but the last couple months I’ve been hit by a barrage of disappointing human behavior, and I’ve lost trust in humanity. The best example was the night before. I got to the cottage in the late evening and surprised my daughters, which was a great moment. There were big hugs and then the kids were wired and couldn’t sleep… so not the best response in my wife’s eyes. At almost 1am in this typically very quiet area, music was thumping from a nearby cottage. Even with the windows closed, the house had a little vibrating happening like a car was driving by with a loud stereo thumping. I put a pause on getting into bed, and instead, I got dressed in order to go to the party house to ask them to turn down the music. My wife asked if I’d rather her call bylaw, but besides not knowing how long that would take, the first step should be to talk to people directly. People are decent and they’d understand… wouldn’t they? The cottage making the noise was on the other side of another cottage and several clumps of trees, so the sound was even louder when I got closer. What was strange was this noisy group was surrounded by a bunch of cozy cottages. I don’t know how I could have been the first person to address this, but… maybe they knew something about these people. I once had bylaw called on me by a neighbor when I cut my grass in the spring just after it got dark at 930pm with an electric mower that’s super quiet. I was cutting beside my newborn baby’s bedroom window and she was fine, so in my head this party was insane. Approaching the group I was expecting to see some teenagers being loud because anyone else would know how rude it was to be loud at 1am in a family cottage area… wouldn’t they?. Nope, it looked like a family party of 15 grownups between the ages of mid 30s to mid 60s. The group was on a property just off the road, which was lit up with a large bonfire. When I walked up close enough to be seen, I did the normal, “Excuse me, would you please turn down your music? My family’s trying to sleep.” The first response was from a woman who said, “I’m sorry; I can’t hear you. The music is too loud.” That was funny, but then the rest of the responses were not so joking and definitely not expected. One guy asked, “What’s your problem?” That was a stupid question because I already clearly stated the problem – turn down the music. One woman told me to close my windows, to which I replied, “I have.” Then I heard this collection of brilliance: (the first guy) “Maybe you shouldn’t rent a cottage on a holiday weekend.” Was that supposed to be an insult, calling me a renter? What kind of a jerk says that? I’m not a renter (not that there’s anything wrong with that), I’m a moocher who’s mooching off his in-laws. Possibly the same guy added, “Maybe you shouldn’t let your dog bark so much.” Most of the comments being thrown at me didn’t get responses because I was too confused, but for this one I replied, “I don’t have a dog.” Possibly the same guy then added, “I work hard in the day; I can do what I want at night.” I didn’t respond to this because it was too stupid: “I work hard in the day; I can be an inconsiderate jerk at night!” No, that’s not how it works: (guy) “Yes, officer I shot that man, but I worked hard this morning, so it’s okay.”
After being totally confused by what was going on when all I wanted was for music to be turned down – a basic decent person thing to do when asked – the guy who works hard all day started shouting, “Get off my property!” I was a couple feet from the ditch, so I was possibly still on city land. Either way, was he screaming at me to get off his property because I asked him politely to turn down his music at 1am? Who responds like that? I then heard a woman say, “Let the guy speak,” which was nice of her, but still strange because I was done speaking. I would’ve actually left already, but because people were speaking to me my natural response wasn’t to walk away – that’s rude.. This guy then retorted, “He can keep speak when he’s off my property!” What? Was that supposed to be his gesture of kindness? (guy) “You can do whatever you want, but do it four feet away.” When I realized the music was off I turned to leave and I continued walking away despite having some more things shouted at me that included a lot of f words. My guess is this “I work hard” guy must have embarrassed a few people there because the music was never turned back on. Normally, jerks turn it down just to crank it louder after, but that didn’t happen.
While walking away I started to realize what had just happened – the strangest response ever by grownups to “Can you please turn down your music?” Their response should’ve been: “Oh sorry. I didn’t realize how loud we were,” or “I didn’t realize it was that late.” As the shock settled, my anger started to rise – a very healthy response. I then had a very unusual reaction – I prayed: “God do something terrible to those people, so they realize how mean they are. Please, please, please punish them for being so awful.” I’ve never had that kind of reaction before, but I’ll admit, it really helped me calm down. I needed to do something to feel empowered after being attacked and just taking it. This prayer was essentially a way to make me feel stronger and a great way to get out my emotion. Since I wanted bad things to happen to them and God knows my thoughts, why not be honest and say it out loud? Prayers don’t have to be nice; they’re meant to clear our hearts and help us connect to God.
What crossed my mind in all this meanness is if we hadn’t all been white people raised in Canada in a similar socio-economic position, it would’ve been easy to assume it was some type of prejudice (e.g. racism, ageism, classism, or body shaming). At least that would’ve made more sense. I wonder how often people assume it’s prejudice when it’s simply the person is acting like garbage because they’re garbage. Either way, it’s important to note that you shouldn’t continue to engage with garbage people. It would’ve been very foolish for me to continue talking to this group – garbage people produce garbage conversations. Don’t expect good to come out of dealing with them.
I should also note that to prevent conflict from growing, I typically teach people to ask a question with two options like “Are you talking to me like this because you’re drunk or because you’re upset you don’t get do what you want (like a child)?” Of course, the question I wanted to ask was, “Are you compensating for having a small brain or small manhood?” Answer is both: “I work hard in the day…” The main problem with that approach would be timing. You don’t ask a question to someone who is too tired, angry, or drunk (or too garbage) to answer properly.
Here’s the most important communication lesson to take from this story: Know your goal and stick to it. After realizing I was being attacked, I wanted to retaliate, but I had achieved my goal – the music was turned off. Saying anything back to them would’ve been foolish because it could spark the music being turned back on. Sure, it didn’t “feel” right to leave it alone, but it was the right thing to do. Feelings can blind us from truth. Sure it wasn’t “fair” for me to be treated that way, but I got what I wanted. Who knows, maybe that guy was spoken to by his family after – most wives would severely scold their husbands for being that rude. Either way, by not retaliating I proved to be the better person in that situation, so screw him (written with love).
If people in that group had any brains, they should’ve recognized how lucky they were that I wasn’t a nut job or vengeful (aka passive aggressive). Let’s consider the facts. I knew where they were staying and they didn’t know where I was – advantage me. Even if I wanted to avoid doing a light felony like TPing their cottage (if you act like a child, I can treat you like a child in return… that may not be what the Golden Rule means), I could’ve been at their place the next morning at 7am with my two kids serenading them with screaming. My kids would’ve loved doing that, and I’m pretty sure there isn’t a law against it: “We worked hard for the week; we can do what I want on the weekend.” If I didn’t want to wait until the next morning, I could’ve stayed on the road and sang “I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves”; it’s a wonderfully terrible song. Even simpler, I could’ve stood on the road and stared at the guy all night. How uncomfortable would that be for him? “Stop staring at me (I keep staring saying nothing). No seriously, stop staring (I keep staring saying nothing). I’m going to lose my mind (I keep staring saying nothing). There’s definitely no law about me standing on public property staring at someone. Sure, he likely would’ve punched me in the face eventually, but then he’d be screwed because I could charge him with assault and what’s his defence going to be: “He was looking at me for a very long time.” Sure, I wouldn’t actually do any of these things, but they are fun to think about and sometimes that’s all we need to do to feel better: (to friend) “Can you imagine if I had of…”
This week may you consider how the goal in conversation is more important than “feeling” like we were traded fairly.
Rev Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)