One of the best life lessons I’ve received was from a grade seven teacher… when I was 20. No, this wasn’t a Billy Madison situation; I was a volunteer. When I was in OAC (if you’re reading this, I’m assuming you’re old enough to know what that was… and got the Billy Madison reference), I was asked to join a group of five other OAC students to be part of a program where we were brought into a grade six class to do a mentorship program. I’m pretty sure the goal was to help the grade sixes, but I ended up benefiting far more than anyone else. At that time I was known at my school for my stage performing since I had a comedy team, but I was generally quiet in person, which was largely the result of strong insecurity. Being in the grade six class, my performer side came out, and I became this confident and dare I say cool guy around them, which was added to by the fact the kids thought I was this confident, cool guy – oh, youthful naivety. It’s amazing how being older makes you cool when you’re under 25 while being older when you’re older makes you… old. After the program was done, I stayed on to volunteer for two more years. I felt like a celebrity because I’d show up and the kids would be excited to see me. The best part was it helped me have my stage side become more of my normal personality. Essentially by acting confident, I became confident, and as I became more confident with the kids, I started being more confident in general. Volunteering even changed my career path from pursuing animation and hiding behind a desk to working with people. Volunteering changed my life in many ways, which is why it’s something I highly recommend to anyone struggling with depression (it gets you out of your head), struggling with self esteem (being in a helping position builds a sense of value), struggling with behavioral problems (being put in charge of others can help troubled kids become responsible), and those struggling to find direction (life experience can help you learn your strengths and what you can tolerate doing all day).
In my first official year as a volunteer I was put in a grade seven class, which is where I met the teacher who gave me my life changing lesson. The one day she asked me to meet her after class… that sounds more scandalous than it should. This was when she said the most shocking words I’d ever heard: “Chad, you need to be careful because the girls in the class are flirting with you.” I was a twenty year old guy who was yet to have a real girlfriend – like a loser – and who had spent countless hours staring in a mirror drawing his face for art school, so I knew every flaw, which made me hate my face (mirrors are the best at making you insecure, so women who put on makeup are at risk of hating their faces because of looking in the mirror so much). I was also still recovering from being a chubby kid until grade eight, which is when I started having terrible acne until grade eleven and then just regular acne, which I still had at 20. This meant if you asked me how attractive I was on a scale of 0 to 10 with 10 being the best, I would’ve seriously said two. Of course, my mom said I was handsome, but if I was single that must be because I was ugly… wasn’t it?
When I tried explaining that must be a mistake because I was ugly, she calmly said the most important words anyone’s said to me: “Chad, you’re attractive. You better start to accept that or you’re going to get yourself in trouble.” Whoa. I’m attractive? Girls can like me? What’s stupid is for four years I had worked at two different movie theaters by this point, and I had very good luck flirting with coworkers and patrons, so part of me knew this, but it’s amazing how we can lie to ourselves and deny what goes against what we want to believe. I had created this idea that I was this ugly loser to explain why I was single, and I was trying to maintain it when it was only hurting me – obviously. Thank goodness this teacher was kind enough to give me this crucial advice, and I was smart enough to listen.
Looking back, the truth is I was single because I was afraid of commitment and not being able to flirt – a strange recent revelation. It wasn’t so much about me being a loser or ugly. After all, ugly losers can date ugly losers. It’s not just good looking people who date. My being single was a convenient lie I could use to beat myself up with and a residual effect from being a chubby/zit faced kid.
This lesson points out a couple important lessons. First, we need to be careful the lies we believe. Second, girls are drawn to confidence. Part of the reason I had the grade seven girls and coworkers liking me was because I was confident when I was there. Third, we need good people to be straight with us when we’re making a mistake. Fourth, we need to surround ourselves with good people who feel safe telling us what we need to hear. Finally, and the most important, we need to recognize our power. We need to understand that certain things give us a natural power like age because we can end up in bad situations. For instance, beyond my situation, not knowing our power can cause us to be extra defensive with someone we see as having the power when they’re being extra defensive because they see us as the one with the power. This leads to two people fighting far harder than they need because they feel weaker than they should. As a therapist, I see this all the time, especially with women who don’t see the power they have over their husband or men in general.
Here are some basic power options:
- Calmness: Sometimes the person who speaks the least wields the most power because when they speak people listen. Similarly, people who rarely yell get more attention when they do.
- Age: If you’re young, there’s power in someone being a little older while when you’re older, younger people who seem to be more with it can appear to have the power. In my situation, I needed to remember that girls are drawn to older guys because guys their own age can seem “immature” when the reality is girls can be blind to an older guy’s immaturity simply because he’s older; they assume he must be mature because of his age – nope; there’s a reason girls their age aren’t going for them.
- Position: Parents need to recognize their power position and use it appropriately neither being too harsh nor too weak. Similarly, kids need to realize the power they have over their parents who ultimately want to see them happy.
- Home Owners: If you own the house (aka parents), you have the right and the need to make boundaries to keep everything running smoother and happier.
- Numbers: When there is two against one, the individual can get even angrier because it feels like they’re getting ganged up on, which can even happen with two parents against one child:
- Job: Our job titles can give us power and can cause us to be intimidating or attractive. As a therapist this means not dating a client – gross. It’s also a reason why high school teachers can’t date students – even grosser. Celebrities get in trouble because they struggle with being sucked up to all day at work and then going home to being treated like a normal person and being confused.
- Gender: Women need to realize their power over men and stop lying to themselves that somehow they need to prove themselves as a gender. In the first story of humanity, why did Adam eat the fruit? Eve told him to. He did it because she had the power.
Cheap Forms of Power (these are cheap forms of power; if you use, it makes you cheap)
- Freak Out Power: Freaking out can get you what you want, but it makes you a spoiled brat who is nothing more than a bully who takes advantage of weak people afraid to say no.
- Sexual: Women tend to understand this power (getting out of traffic tickets), but they sometimes choose to be blind to it to punish themselves.
- Money &/or Fame: This is the equivalent of sexual power, but more likely used by men (e.g. Harvey Weinstein) since looks have less sway unless you’re ridiculously sexy and the girl has no self worth.
This week may you consider the importance of remembering your power and using it for good instead of selfishness.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)