Many of my favourite moments last year came while doing wedding ceremonies. Since I do personal ceremonies, I was been able to come up with some really fun lines that generated a lot of laughs. Below are some of my favourite lines (names have been changed). I hope you enjoy them as much as I did presenting them.
Rev. Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people
During our one visit Carl said that this has been a bit of a down year because… he broke his neck. Yeah, that makes for a bit of a down year. It turns out that Carl is so much man that he didn’t know he had 2 broken vertebrate for two weeks, which kind of makes him a little like superman. Oddly enough, his accident came because he had an incident riding his motorcycle where he ended up flying through the air and landed on his head, so he’s not totally superman. Superman is better at landing… and not hurting himself.
(groom’s last name is Brown): Today Jen can’t help but smile and I’m sure a major reason for that is she keeps singing the song to herself (said like lyrics from the Beach Boys’ “I Get Around”) “Brown, Brown, Brown, Brown, I get a Brown.”
When I asked what Paul likes to do he said basketball and saving money for retirement… that’s the strangest combination I’ve ever heard. Cher is a nurse… nice. Steady job and a woman in scrubs… sexy; scrubs are so flattering they’re one step ahead of Walmart vests. Even better, when Paul’s old, Cher will be a pro at bathing old people and changing old man diapers. Marrying a nurse is what I call investing in your future.
Jack and Bree are a very impressive couple because of all they have done in the past few years like raising two kids, establishing a home, and getting Bree through nursing school while Jack produced music. When I asked Bree have you slept since your school ended last month she said “That’s what the honeymoon is for.” Is it? When I looked at Jack he just nodded and said “yeah… sleep.”
When talking about families, Bree said Jack’s family is very different than hers. For instance, to quote her she said “Jack’s brother will be his maid of honor.” That is different. She then apologized and said she was tired… or maybe she just let out a family secret.
The fun thing I learned is that the couple met in high school. Mel was in grade 12 when she met the man of her dreams who was in grade… 9. A younger man… well played Mark. As far as Mark would be concerned, best grade nine initiation ever. The best part of the story is that no one thought this relationship would last… this is a pretty good in your face moment isn’t it? When I asked what first attracted her to this grade nine boy, grade nine boys of course are known for their maturity and sophistication, Mel said, “He wasn’t like other people, we were friends, he was stable… oh, and he was better looking back then.” That’s so nice.
When we looked at why Brett likes Jess, Jess said “It’s because I’m the girliest girl.” Brett then said I’m marrying her because ‘she has no male attributes’… well, that can help. When they first met they claim it was love at first site. In the words of Jess, “I wanted to jump his bones…” Well done, Brett.
Paul was very proud to say that nothing would make him leave her. Really trying to test his commitment I asked, “What if she became a man?” And he said, “I’d ride it out.” I’m assuming he meant that metaphorically.
When I asked Tim for 3 reasons Jen originally liked him he said: 1. I like talking, 2. I make her laugh, and 3. I’m handsome which made Jen laugh so I’m not sure if that proves his 2nd reason or the 3rd.
When I asked about dating, Lori was quick to say she was done dating cops, so she went for… a corrections officer… ooh diversity. For the first date he took her for a walk in the woods… you know, the place you want to go with a strange guy. Lori was quick to point out that she was careful. She brought a fork, and calmly explained, “You can do a lot of damage with a fork…” Um I don’t know if that’s awesome or terrifying.
A fun fact about Neti is she hates not being noticed yet she didn’t start talking to Wayne sooner because she didn’t notice him. Apparently he had said hi numerous times and she didn’t notice him. He even sat beside her on the bus a few times and nothing. Of course the one possibility is Wayne is actually a ninja, so she couldn’t see him, but either way this all changed one fateful day when he was walking his dogs and she said (creepy) “I like your dogs.” I was going for sexy but I think that was more creepy. After a short conversation things heated up and he asked for her number and boom badda bing she said… no. But she would meet to walk the dogs with him later. This of course proves the best way to win a girl is not by being cool or sexy; it’s having a cute dog.
I also learned a few other things like you two met on St Patrick’s Day at a party, which is arguably the most important day of your lives… yet, you don’t really remember it. When I asked who made the first move the answer was blank stares. When I asked what happened, I was answered with blank stares. When I asked how you ended up together, I was answered with… “We weren’t ourselves.” That’s amazing dating advice. How do I meet someone? Whatever you do, don’t be yourself, and you’ll be fine.
When I asked Sam why Carly would want to marry him Sam said “I’m considerate,” and then looked at her; she smiled and nodded. He then said, “I’m fun,” and then looked at her; she smiled and nodded. He then said, “I’m caring,” and then looked at her; she smiled and nodded. I couldn’t help but wonder has Sam been married before? He’s better than me at being and obedient husband and he’s not even married yet.
You both claim that Nick’s brothers are nerdier than him. Considering Nick tried out for Jeopardy, I’m not sure if that’s an insult or jealousy. As far as movies go, Kelly’s favourite movie is Titanic because she has a romantic side, but her favourite actors are Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill, which is a nice way of saying she has terrible taste in movies.
The one difference between Carl and I is he’s Dutch and I only look Dutch; I’m a wannabe with my blond hair, blue eyes and preference for not spending money. The other difference between Carl and I is his last name; how manly do you need to be to have a name like Mans. Are you tough? I’m a mans. Right; that’s pretty tough. Not just one man, but lots of mans. Although, to be honest I don’t know how Dutch a name that is. To be a real Dutch name I expect a Van in front of it like VanMans, which is I guess his future nickname for when he’s driving a minivan full of pets and children – hey everybody it’s VanMan the carpool man.
I also learned a few other things like Jer is Portuguese and Tammy is German so this wedding represents two very calm and gentle cultures coming together in perfect harmony… I may have that stereotype wrong.
When we were talking Jer told me he was a contractor. Shortly after that he warned me that he’s never on time. Um, you already told me you were a contractor. That’s called redundant.