In the last lesson we looked how being too nice to ourselves is connected to selfishness and vanity, which brings us to an important point: Being a nice-oholic doesn’t mean you’re a good person. It means you have an addiction that needs to be addressed. No matter what kind of nice-oholic you are, it’s unhealthy, but some are worse than others. For instance, people pleasing can burn out the pleaser, but at least it’s helping others and in some ways it can help the pleaser as they can feel value. If they go too far in their giving they’ll hurt themselves, which is like overdoing it in a workout – it’s better than doing nothing, but the body is trying to warn the person to slow down. As I taught in a lesson in my book 52 Lessons to be a Better Person: The perfect gift for someone else, we need to give what’s appropriate and not until it hurts. Being too nice to ourselves is very different because in the end no one benefits. We don’t even benefit ourselves. Instead, we actually hurt ourselves because selfishness leaves us hurt and alone while love brings healing and value. And that’s what being nice is supposed to do – bring healing and value. Being nice is ultimately a simpler version of love (i.e. “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” (1 Cor 13:4-8)). Being nice is treating others as we would want to be treated (Mat 7:12 para); it’s a form of communication by role modeling what we want.
Trying to be nice in a healthy way is hard. Even during this time of writing on nice-oholism I find myself struggling to decide what it practically looks like in my own life. Sure, it’s one thing to say, “Do what you want done for you,” but it’s so much easier to just react in defensiveness or shut down. Even if we have time to think about it, where’s the line between selfish and making sure we get what we need to be at our best to help others? Years ago I met someone who wanted to retire early and they had been very good at saving more than enough to retire (there was more money than I’ll ever see), but their partner wouldn’t let them for fear of stopping the steady growth in their savings. Is it selfish for this person to retire early against their partner’s wishes or is continuing to work being a pushover? The answer is opinion based. We all have needs that we should be trying to fill because otherwise we start wearing down and we are at risk of being short with others or even burn out. This is why sometimes we need to say no. At the same time, we also need to be saying yes. For instance, almost everyone I meet who claim to have depression (burn out and depression are different) and/or anxiety issues need to start caring more about others in a healthier way. They’re actually stuck on themselves and what others think of them, and the only answer is to be more involved in helping others out of love in order to be empowered and to break their self focus.
This leads to another question: when am I being nice with boundaries versus a pushover or mean/neglectful of others? I would say that internally I often end up being too nice to others because I have a way of pushing down any hurt and replacing it with self blame. At the same time, my wife would argue that my outer response is often overly direct (aka slightly mean). Being firm while someone else (aka my wife) is feeling a lot of emotion can leave me looking cold when I’m going for self controlled. Being nice in a healthy way is really hard, especially because it is mostly determined by the perspective of the people involved. Whether I’m being nice or overly direct is ultimately determined by the person who is already upset with me and not feeling safe. That doesn’t sound like a person in the right headspace to be a good judge of character. Being nice is hard. That’s why I maintain that anyone who is quick to claim they’re good at being nice in a healthy way is likely blind to how others see them or how things work.
To better understand what it means to be nice, it would behoove us to consider the question: What are the different kinds of nice-oholics? Let’s break it down:
- Too nice to ourselves: This means not pushing ourselves to have proper self control, which includes addictive behaviors and hurting others with our emotions whether by attacking in anger or neglecting our responsibilities to help someone else feel cared about.
- Too nice to others: This is enabling behavior, which means we let others get away with not fulfilling their responsibilities or we don’t hold them accountable for their actions.
- Too nice to everyone: This looks like not having or following rules and/or having healthy repercussions. This is often the result of avoiding conflict even when it’s necessary to be healthy.
This last category is something I haven’t given a lot of thought to, so let’s consider what it looks like with a story. Last spring both my girls had head lice before we realized it (and I thought they didn’t like sharing). When my wife told me I was like “Whatever. It’s not that big a deal. Let’s buy some fancy shampoo and carry on.” Fun fact, the lice “killing” shampoo sold in normal drug stores is like massage oils to the lice. When we rubbed it in the girls’ hair, I’m pretty sure the lice were trying to get under our fingers for a nice rub down. Why? Because the shampoo did nothing. It actually seemed to encourage more eggs to be laid like it put them in the mood. The best part about the shampoo instructions is after using it, several times a day you’re supposed to go through and pick out any lice or eggs you find and then seven days later do the shampoo thing again. If you’re handpicking the lice and eggs, what’s the shampoo doing besides book marking the lice checking? My wife was a machine. She put a small flashlight in her mouth and she meticulously scoured the girls’ heads with a special comb three times a day. After four days of this and everyday washing their bedding, she didn’t find a difference, so we did another round of shampoo. The box said to wait seven days, but we did it on day four and then day seven, which meant we followed the instructions with a bonus round in the middle. Even with that my wife was still finding a bug or two when she checked after the seven days. When I called the manufacturer they told me that it didn’t work because we did a third treatment. What? Using it an extra time made it not work? That’s like saying if a hunter shoots a deer three times it’ll come back to life. Nope, I’m pretty sure it’s as dead as can be unlike the lice that seemed to be happy and healthy until my wife picked them out of their spa treatment. My wife continued to check two to three times a day at 10 to 20 minutes a head for three weeks until she thought the girls were safe. A month later the girls had lice again… or it was never gone. How can you know? My oldest daughter was the only one in school, and when we talked to her teacher she told us we were the only one having a problem. Um, that’s not how lice works. They don’t magically appear – only rabbits do when you have the right top hat. For her to get it and then get it again a month later, she wasn’t the only one in the class with it, and the teacher did nothing to help (but she was a younger teacher and she was being consistent with her lack of effort). The second time, my wife gave up and we paid a chunk of money to have it done professionally (https://www.licesquad.com/) and we also bought some shampoo that would actually work without needing all the manual labor (i.e. it worked). It was a brutal time for our family, especially since we were like someone who coughed during the COVID lockdowns; no one wanted to be near us (understandably).
This year, my oldest started a new school where we thought we’d be safe. Even still, my wife made sure the girls’ hair was pulled back and sprayed with tea tree oil, which is supposed to be lice deterrent. Within the first month my wife found a bug – more fun. When our daughter was checked by the professional lice handlers, she was fortunately cleared without needing the shampoo treatment. They claimed my wife must have hit the jackpot catching the new arrival before it had laid eggs… but that meant someone in her new class had it. We talked to the new teacher (who has been incredible), and she’s been on top of it sending emails to the parents and even forwarding the information we sent her on the lice remover people. Even still, guess what my wife found on our daughter a week later? Two more lice. She almost lost it. My wife’s still traumatized by the spring’s experience. We’ve also spent over a thousand dollars on lice removal this year – that’s delightful. The teacher has the kids wear hats in class and to keep them at as far from each other as she can and regularly emails the parents encouraging them to check their kids after school. Unfortunately, she has limited power. Why? Because all of the rules that were once in place to protect kids from spreading lice have been erased by the government and school board because they don’t want to “shame” the children with lice – that’s being too nice to everyone. The leadership doesn’t want the conflict of upsetting anyone, but then makes it worse for everyone. That’s what being too nice to everyone, both you and others, looks like. It’s a disaster. This could all be avoided if leadership accepted that being in leadership means sometimes upsetting a few people.
This week may you consider when you’re being too nice.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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