I once knew a woman who told her son, “You can be right or you can be kind.” Her son was very argumentative because he always chose wanting to be right. At her funeral, her son shared with the audience that looking back maybe he should’ve chose being kind like his mom did. It’s amazing how easy it is to get caught up with needing to be right, and not realizing it until it’s a little late.
Years ago I had an interesting moment when I was a youth pastor. It was so long ago cell phones didn’t have mobile internet abilities (aka simpler times). I was driving a group of young people, and a Katy Perry song came on. I wasn’t a fan… at least of her music. In another way she was wow-zers. Hearing the song I made a comment about Katy Perry and this one young girl in my car very confidently corrected me: “That’s Brittany Spears.” She was a teenage girl and very good at being one (aka she was very snarky). I didn’t know her very well, but I knew her well enough to know she was mentally a little slow. When someone has very strong attitude to correct you, however, it’s amazing how quickly you can forget who you’re talking to. It’s also amazing how quickly you can forget your goal of being a good person. Fortunately, I was in my “I’m trying to be extra friendly because I’m being paid to be nice” mode and swallowed what I really wanted to say. I ended up squeaking out, “Are you sure?” Continuing her very special tone, she replied, “Yeah, it’s pretty obvious.” And with all of my strength, I smiled and choked out, “Okay, maybe I was wrong,” to which she added, “Yeah, you were definitely wrong.” If you’re thinking this was not a great moment for me, you’d be correct. To top it off, this was the start of a weekend retreat my new church was forcing me to go on, so I didn’t even want to be there in the first place – it was super awesome. In that moment I fortunately chose being kind instead of being right, but it made me want to scream: “How are you so rude, especially when you’re wrong?” Realistically, all I had to do was ask anyone else in the car: “Who’s the singer?” and I would’ve been proven right because… I was. Back then I knew my sexy girl singers… I mean I knew the very respectable and talented female singers who were famous solely for their singing abilities.
This desire to want to fight with someone who disagrees with us can be broken down to a simple question: “Do I need to prove I’m right or am I afraid of looking dumb?” Last month my wife and I were visiting with some friends and by chance a particular topic came up as a side thought. Little did I realize my very smart friend who typically agrees with me or is open to learning had a very strong, opposite opinion in this area. And when I claim this person had a very strong opposite opinion, I mean it was a very, very, very no wavering stance on this opinion. This threw me off because everyone else I know agrees with me on this topic. I don’t know if it was because I was so surprised or because I was tired, but I fell into the trap of defending my stance – the death trap to anyone with a different opinion. Trying to defend your stance to someone with a very opposite opinion never goes anywhere good even if you have a great argument. In fact, having a great argument will likely be worse than having a dumb one: (person after offering a great argument) “… Do you see why I believe this now?” (person with opposite opinion) “Are you saying I’m stupid?” (first person) “No, why would you think that?” (person with opposite opinion) “So now you’re saying I’m stupid?” (first person) “What are you talking about?” (person with opposite opinion) “So now you’re saying I’m too stupid to know how to talk?” See how arguments can quickly get out of hand?… No, I’m not asking because I don’t think you’re smart enough to get it. It’s because I want to make sure I spoke properly (good recovery).
The problem with defending ourselves is there’s an underlying message of “I’m smarter than you.” I was recently talking to an older dad who claimed he wanted his kids to respect him (aka a very normal dad). The problem was when he talked to people it came across as “I’m smarter than you,” which he wasn’t going for. He wanted to be respected, but what he was saying sounded like “If you did the proper research maybe you’d understand,” which is heard as “You’re dumb now, and I’m smart.” Pointing this out was very confusing to him. His goal was to make the listener respect him, which falls under the “I’m trying to prove I’m right” side of my earlier question: “Do you need to prove you’re right or are you afraid of looking dumb?” The ultimate problem is when we try to prove we’re right (or make people respect us), we’re only going to make them angrier at us. The only way to get people to listen to us is if we first show we’re listening to them. Similarly, if we want others to respect us we first need to offer them respect.
Back when I was in the car with the rude teenage girl, I don’t think she wanted to appear rude. She was likely tired of feeling dumb and liked thinking she was able to correct me… and then ended up looking dumb and rude because of how she did it. If she chose to be kind instead of proving she was right, she could’ve simply said, “Is that Katy Perry? I thought it was Brittany Spears.” By being kind in her approach, it would’ve been easier for me to swallow her correction (or for her not look so dumb when her correction shown wrong). After all, if she was talking to someone else who didn’t feel pressure to be extra kind to young people because they didn’t want to get fired from their new youth pastor position, she could’ve been ripped apart.
In the other situation when I was talking to my friend with the very strong opposite opinion, I didn’t handle it well. I fell into the trap of trying to prove I was right: “I’m clearly right! Why are you questioning me?” This doesn’t help the situation… obviously… at least to a brain not caught up in the moment. When you try to prove yourself right, does the other person ever say, “Thank you for proving me wrong,” or do they double down on their original stance? And if they double down, are you going to suddenly say “Thank you for proving me wrong,” or double down on your original stance? Next, you both triple down and quadruple down until random bunny trails are thrown in making the argument this giant mess where nothing makes sense and no one knows what the argument is about anymore.
So how do we be kind in moments where someone has a different opinion? Great question (and role modeling). The best thing we can do is ask questions to better understand the other person. That’s how you choose to be kind instead of being right. Besides helping the other person feel heard and understood, which means we helped them feel cared about, our goal with people with different opinions is to plant seeds. If I ever say to someone, “You need Jesus,” they’re never going to reply, “Really? I never thought of that. Thank you for giving me salvation.” No, they’re going to kick into the mode of “Do I need to prove I’m right or am I afraid of looking dumb?” and once that kicks in, we’re both screwed. If, however, I first help them feel heard and understood, I can try planting a seed with a good question: “Do you think Jesus was the greatest con man that ever existed or do you think there might be some truth about His claim that He’s the Son of God?” If their reply is “I think He was a really good man,” then you can point out, “So you think he was the greatest con man?” If they say he was a really good prophet, you can point out, “So you think he was the greatest con man?” Okay, maybe this is getting a bit direct, but if the other person first feels heard and understood, they’ll still likely be okay with the frankness because when people feel safer, you can get away with a little more.
Ultimately, the best way to be nice to ourselves and others is to learn how to ask good questions to find out why someone believes what they believe. With my friend I eventually regrouped and started using my own advice. Asking this person questions, helped make the situation a little better, but the damage was already done. I was able to better understand why they were so adamant about their position, but it was too little too late. By getting sucked into the world of proving I was right and/or not looking dumb I eroded the sense of safety we normally feel, and the night ended up having an undertone of awkward.
On the plus side, hopefully this lesson can spare you of falling into a similar trap.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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