Nice-oholic Pt 23: Why Do Women Need Compliments?

In a previous lesson we looked at potential reasons why married men don’t compliment their wives (written as a husband guilty for this).  The question remains, however, why do married women need compliments? I don’t.  Most married men I meet don’t.  From my experience, married women care more about being complimented by their spouse than married men.  When you’re dating, sure, both sides want the affirmation that compliments give because you’re building the relationship and you want to make sure you’re doing the right things and making the other person happy (i.e. you’re on the right path to avoid being dumped).  Like appreciation, compliments are also great for teaching the other person what you like.  When the relationship is established, however, compliments logically shouldn’t be as necessary.  If the relationship is fully united by marriage, what more needs to be earned or proven? Marriage is agreeing that this relationship is worth it and things are in proper order.  If they’re not, why are you getting married? Of course, as I write that I can feel the potential anger in women: “That’s so unromantic!” Yup.  There’s no disagreement here.  What I just wrote is very logical and lacks any hint of romance: (wife) “Now others can know what I have to deal with.”  In this post we’re going to get into the main reasons why women want compliments, but first let’s consider a problem for men who are better than me, but end up in the same position: “I compliment my wife, but she still doesn’t think I do.  Why is that?”

1. The guy is bad at communicating the compliment in a way that sounds like a compliment: (wife) “You thought that was a compliment?”
2. The guy has a bad time communicating the compliment, which leads to his wife not hearing it in a way that it sinks in.
3. The guy is so naturally complimentary the woman doesn’t notice it.
4. The woman dismisses the compliments. This could be because it doesn’t “feel” like a compliment (like an apology doesn’t “feel” like an apology), it’s not a “good enough” compliment, she thinks the compliment is only because he wants sex, or she doesn’t believe it’s real.  I once had a mom of a teenager say, “I tell my son he’s handsome all the time, but he still doesn’t believe it.”  I looked at the son and quipped, “I’m guessing you get angry every time she says you’re handsome,” and to his mom’s shock he replied, “It’s the worst!”  When you don’t believe a compliment, it’s no longer a compliment; it feels more like an insult.

These four reasons bring up an interesting point: What makes it a “real” compliment? I recently gave my wife a compliment (I’m the man).  If you asked her about it she probably wouldn’t have any idea I did.  Would I care? Nope.  It was a natural moment and I simply aimed at affirming her abilities in that moment as a mom.  I wasn’t trying to somehow change her life with it; I just wanted to share truth that would make her feel affirmed in the moment: “You did that really well.”  I remember being a volunteer in a youth group and the youth pastor was obsessed with compliment circles where you sit in a circle and go around to each person saying compliments to them.  Maybe the first time we did this it had an impact, but it quickly became a farce as there were only so many compliments to go around: “You’re nice… you’re funny… you’re patient putting up with this stupid exercise.”  Even in my inexperienced youth I realized this was the youth pastor wanting to hear people compliment him.  He even gave more time for people to offer him compliments thereby giving him the most – it was gross.  Who knew a man in his forties working with teenagers for very little pay would be unhealthy?  When I was a youth pastor (in my twenties) I took the concept, but switched it to sharing a special moment you had with that person at the end of a weekend retreat, and I’d only have one or two people share something.  I would even skip doing myself unless someone pointed it out.  The exercise was beneficial at helping kids recognize how others were connecting with them.  Meanwhile, the only thing the compliment circle did was teach me how ego is dangerous (that youth pastor was sad).

So what makes a real compliment?

1. The person giving it hits the right note: A compliment from someone you admire is generally the best because their opinion holds more weight.  As far as compliments from strangers or those who are close to you can vary.  For instance, I’d rather a compliment from a stranger who has no reason to give me one, but I know others prefer it being from someone close to them (i.e. most women) because they’re more guarded and don’t trust strangers.
2. The compliment itself hits the right note: Sometimes it doesn’t matter who gives me the compliment because it’s just that good a compliment.  To me a great compliment is one that gives me something that I hadn’t thought about before and it opened my eyes.  Meanwhile, things I already knew are easily brushed off.  Other times, we need the compliment because we’re concerned about how we come across like with performers.  Compliments after a show are always helpful, and something I recommend if you liked it no matter how popular is.  After all, the more fans you gain, the more critics who follow.
3. It’s the right timing: Sometimes when we’re going through a rough period we can benefit from hearing something positive about us.    

So why do women typically think they need more compliments from their husbands?

1. They want to feel some emotional rush: Some women are drawn to feeling something heartwarming, and they think compliments will help this.  From my experience, however, anyone wanting this experience is going to be greatly disappointed because there isn’t a compliment good enough to give them what they’re looking for.  The anticipation takes away from the end result.
2. They want to be angry at something: I know if I’m having a bad day, I look for something to be angry at.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that some days I’m just having a grumpy day and there isn’t a real reason for it.  .. need a reason for their emotion even though sometimes we’re just in a bad mood for no logical reason.  This can make the partner an easy target: “YOU don’t do something right.”  For some people it’s easier to be angry at someone else.
3. They want appreciation: Sometimes people think they want a compliment, but what they really want is a thank you.  Appreciation is very different than a compliment.  Appreciation is giving value to something someone does while a compliment is telling them what they did is done really well.  When it comes to stuff around the house, having what we do be acknowledged is often more valuable than being told we’re good at something.  For instance, vacuuming I’m good with just a thank you and not a compliment: “I’ve been working at being the best vacuumer my entire life.  Your compliment about my vacuuming skills brings me so much joy!”
4. To offset the meanness or perceived meanness of her partner: (The point my wife gave) If you think you’re constantly being criticized/critiqued, you will want compliments to balance out the negativity (or perceived negativity).
5. To offset her meanness to others: Some women have a mean streak (like my four year daughter).  There’s a reason there’s “mean girls” as a title and why I’ve heard women say, “I can’t be friends with other women because they’re too mean.”  If you’re mean to others, you’re going to be scared they’re going to be mean back to you, which leads to wanting compliments to feel safer.
6. To offset her meanness to herself: Women, in general, can be incredible at being mean to themselves.  The meaner someone is to themselves, the more they’ll likely crave compliments to offset the meanness they do to themselves.  Throw in how women tend to be excellent at finding reasons to feel guilty and compliments become very appealing.  Of course, if you’re mean to yourself, you’ll be quicker to brush off compliments and you might even feel awkward receiving them.
7. She lacks loyalty: Women are more likely to divorce their spouse because they’re not “happy”.  When you base love on how you feel or how the relationship feels, you’re going to need reassurance that the partner isn’t going to leave you.  When you feel safe in a relationship, you won’t need the compliments as much, but if you see love as fickle, you’ll never feel very secure.

This week may you consider when and why you’d like a compliment.

Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)