If you want to avoid conflict, having an opinion can suck because it will lead to conflict. If you want to avoid conflict, NOT having an opinion can suck because it will lead to conflict – that’s a fun reality isn’t it? The problem with opinions is you’re guaranteed to have conflict no matter what path you choose, so if you’re conflict avoidant like I am… bugger. The important question, however, becomes what kind of person do you want to be: Someone who is overly opinionated and ready to fight (one extreme), someone who avoids having opinions (the other extreme), someone who hides their opinions (the same side, but a little less extreme), or someone who tries to balance being open to hearing others’ opinions while still having their own (the healthy middle). This last category is clearly the best (unless you like to fight), but even if you’re healthy, you will likely end up with the challenge of not second guessing yourself a lot (yea, another reason to over think) or you end up frustrated because some people only want to tell you their opinion without listening to yours leading to relationships feeling one sided. For instance, I’ve been double vaccinated, you know, like a sheep blindly following what he’s been told to do (yea, it’s less conflict), but there are some people who really don’t want to know my reasoning; they just want to tell me I’m wrong. One sided interactions like these that are very passion driven (anger is a sign of passion and/or defensiveness), can leave me feeling a little beaten down with a side of guilt for making someone angry. I really wish I could be more like Trump who doesn’t seem to care if people disagree with him… and there are a lot of them.
Side Note: I’ve found some religious people very against being vaccinated. This makes sense because to be Christian in this current culture (less than 20% in Canada associate to Christianity), it helps to be counter cultural to some degree. This same counter cultural thinking will lead to some Christians not wanting to be told to be vaccinated. Other Christians like me will get vaccinated because it’s just easier. Being counter-cultural is the same reason I find people with less formal education being drawn to not being vaccinated – they have a “don’t tell me what to do” mentality. And when I say “less formal education” I mean that as a fact and not an insult because some people are very smart, but they don’t do well in school because even at a young age they had this “don’t tell me what to do” mentality. This prevented them from flourishing in the education world, which is all about following rules and playing the game. On the flipside, this kind of thinking can help them be great entrepreneurs and create something new and exciting… or it can hold them back as they struggle to get along with their employers. I have a bit of a rebellious side, but in this situation, just give me the shot, so we can move on and not waste time. Time is way too precious to me, and I want to keep my life moving forward.
The other week I was reminded that having an opinion is risky. I was at the family cottage and I recommended Shutter Island with Leonardo Decaprio. I hadn’t seen it in 10 years, but I remember liking it and wanted to see it again. My wife and sister-in-law stayed up to watch it and they couldn’t have hated it more if the TV grew arms and punched them in the face. All I remembered about the movie was being blown away by the ending, and I was blown away again even though I knew what was going to happen because it’s so brilliant… unless you’re my wife and sister-in-law who repeatedly told me how it’s the worst movie they’ve ever seen and I ruined their day. I’m guessing their hatred for the movie was less about the movie itself (it’s so brilliant) and more about the inclusion of dead children, which I didn’t remember (being newer moms made them very sensitive to it). They hated it so much I’ve been officially banned from recommending movies. Hearing their anger was really difficult for me because I had no intention of upsetting them and I had genuinely liked the movie – both times. Of course, apologizing over and over didn’t help; it just made them repeat their anger. All I could do was shut up, let them vent and bond together in their anger at me (I helped their relationship; yea?), and do my best not to take it too personally. The hardest part was not second guessing whether I was stupid for liking the movie because they hated it that much – what was I missing? Am I too stupid to not see how bad it was? Having an opinion and sharing it essentially set me up for questioning my own sanity while also hurting two people I care about, which I’m sure I’ll be reminded of many times in the future (yea for women having great memories for mistakes). At the same time, I need to push my brain to be proud of myself for having an opinion and being brave enough to share it, especially when my intention was out of love and to share something I liked.
Not having an opinion is also risky. One of the strangest moments I’ve had as a therapist was early on when I found out one couple’s biggest and most common conflict was based on the guy not having an opinion – what? Sure, being a doormat hurt you, but I had never really considered how it can hurt others. What’s interesting is I’ve since found this is actually a regular problem for a lot of couples. In this situation, the guy was the stereotypical easygoing and relaxed one in the relationship. He was also very positive about everything. He wasn’t exactly like Alec Baldwin’s character in Friends who commented about the traffic lights being like dancing fairies – that’s too positive – but he was pretty close. His positivity was a problem, however, because he never made a decision; why would he? He was happy no matter what. He happily left all decisions to his wife thinking that would make her happy because she always got what she wanted, which meant he then got what he ultimately wanted – a happy wife. What happened, however, was she got tired of having to make all the decisions (a common female complaint), especially because she was also pretty easygoing and generally didn’t care. Unlike some people who love control, she wanted a partner and not a yes-man – crazy, I know. She was worn out and wanted to have something that he liked so she could do something special for him once in awhile, and more importantly, she wanted help making decisions and not having all the pressure she felt. Fortunately, the solution in this situation was pretty easy. I had them agree that one person would ask a question like “Do you want A, B, or C?” and the other person had to pick an answer even if they didn’t have a preference. This made it a team decision (or a competition for who could ask first, so the other had to make the final choice). This is a great set up for picking dinner. Instead of asking, “What do you want?” one of them would see what was available and give three options like “Do you want eggs, hamburgers, or order pizza?” Even if the other person didn’t care, they still had to make a choice. It’s like how my wife will ask me which earrings I prefer. If she’s shopping, the decision is easy – the cheapest! (I’m so romantic.) If they’re pairs she already owns, I couldn’t care less about which earrings she wears – they’re already paid for (I’m soooo romantic). Still, I need to show I care about her by giving an answer. Thus, when she holds up the two pairs of earrings and asks, “Which ones?” I always say, “The right ones.” She thinks I mean the ones in her right hand, so she’s happy for the help, and I’m happy because I think I’m hilarious since I’m thinking: “The right ones… and not the wrong ones.” (My wife is so lucky.)
In the end, being allowed to have an opinion is something we need to appreciate; it’s a privilege because not every country or family would allow us to have one. It’s a gift we need to respect, both in ourselves and in others. And if you’re conflict avoidant, it’s important to find the balance of having enough of an opinion to not cause a burden on those around you. And for me, I need to stop worrying so much about preventing conflict and realizing that I’m strong enough to handle it.
This week may you be proud of yourself for having an opinion, but not being a jerk about it.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)