This weekend I’m staying at a hotel by myself – woo, party – because I’m at a conference and annual meeting – woo, lame party – for my ordaining body. This is the group who has ordained me; it’s not “my” body that I’m claiming ordains others: (me) “And you’re a pastor and you’re a pastor…” (random boy) “Mommy that man’s scaring me.” (random boy’s mom) “He’s scaring all of us honey.” Sorry, after sitting in meetings all day my mind goes a little weird… or I guess weirder. Anyway, I’m staying in a hotel room by myself – woo, party… oh right, I already said that… I guess this is a party because I’m incoherent and not making much sense. The fact that I’m by myself is important for this story – don’t worry this will be kept clean – because even though I’m the only one in my hotel, I can’t leave the seat up. I have to put the seat down… I’m of course referring to the toilet seat. I’m not carrying around a random chair: (me) “Woo, look at me carrying a seat. (Pause) I think this is why I have a hard time making friends.” This is not normal for a guy: I am by myself and I can’t leave the seat up; is there something wrong with me? You know, besides being coo-coo from being in meetings all day.
When I use a toilet I’m a sitter (there’s a fun fact for you that won’t ever help you in life), but not when using one that’s not my own. During these times I become a temporary stander. I’m especially a temporary stander when I’m using a hotel toilet. Hotel toilets are kind of like a prostitute: it may look clean, but you do not know how many and what people have visited… bet you will never look at a hotel toilet the same; my apologies. I should also point out that I’m only a temporary stander to #1. To stand for #2 gets a little too adventurous for me. I just use the tub… I’m kidding. I hope you’d know that I’m kidding… ew.
To stand to urine I know I need to raise the seat… I’m so smart… and even though I piddle as frequently as a dog on a walk marking his territory, I can’t bring myself to leaving the toilet seat up. I keep putting it up and down over and over every time I use it. No, I don’t have a bizarre fetish for touching toilet seats and I know no one is going to scold me for leaving it up. The hotel cleaning staff isn’t going to randomly walk in my room to check: (cleaner) “You sir are a pig. Put your seat down!” That’d be a funny thing to do as a prank though: dress and act as hotel staff, go into occupied rooms and act like the peoples’ parents: (actor) “This room is filthy. Young man, you will not be allowed to leave your room until this is cleaned up!” (person in hotel room) “Who are you?” Not only will hotel staff not care if I leave my toilet seat up, my girlfriend isn’t going to call and check on me. Even the waitress I picked up and brought back to my room won’t say anything… because she’s from my imagination and not real. I couldn’t pick up even if I wanted to; weird girls out, yes; that I can do and do really well.
Perhaps some of you are thinking Chad can’t leave the toilet seat up because he has a little OCD – nope – or I hear voices from my childhood yelling at me to put the seat down, but I’ve never been in trouble for this because I have never left the seat up (I’m a sitter so this was never an issue). I’ve even made jokes that guys should leave the seat up to prove how thoughtful they were to not pee on the seat. The truth is, however, I can’t leave the toilet seat up because it doesn’t look right. It’s as if the toilet’s yawning: “Close your mouth or cover it; that’s rude!” Other times I look at it and it reminds me of a hippo with his giant mouth open to eat something… a giant toothless hippo. Leaving the toilet seat up is like a girl who lifts her skirt. A quick flash is fun, but leaving it up for a long time is trashy: (girl) “I’m just airing out my situation.” (guy) “Why are you telling me this?” Ultimately, leaving the toilet seat up is like not making your bed. It’s wrong. Not in the “the world is going to end” kind of way if you break this rule, but in the “that really doesn’t look right” kind of way. If you don’t make your bed I’m not judging you… I haven’t met you. If I do, I will; make your bed.
Rules are important, but rules are not meant to be our gods. Rules are supposed to be made to protect and serve, not harm and damage. If the latter is occurring we need to be re-evaluating these rules. God gives us rules – a lot of rules – and depending on culture and religion they tend to vary. Unfortunately, many Christians forget that rules are meant to help us not reign over us. God gives both Jewish and Christians a lot of rules – definitely more for the Jews; sorry you can’t eat bacon – but Jesus teaches the greatest Jewish/Christian commandments are to love: love God, others and yourself (Deu 6:5. & Lev 19:18, Mat 22:37-39) Ultimately, all of the other rules that He gives are meant to support our ability to love. The great thing about this is if we learn to fully love God, others and ourselves, we’ll enjoy life more. For instance, God’s commands for people to be thankful and kind lead to greater happiness. Ultimately, we should be thankful for the rules God has given us and to try to follow them. I should note that some rules are not as clear as people claim. For instance, there isn’t a clear rule against abortion in the Bible even though some Christians fight for this like it God’s greatest command – sorry it is to love. Knowing this leads to two important conclusions: we shouldn’t beat others with rules (that is not very loving) and we should be continually re-evaluating whether the rules need to be adapted or kept the same. The big problem for many Christians is we often obsess about the rules because of fear. All rules are meant to help and not hinder. Thus, my personal rule to leave the toilet seat up is meant to make life better. If it was hurting my personal relationships I’d have to re-evaluate the rule and why I followed it, but for now it is okay for me to prefer to use my brain and leave the toilet seat down
This week may you learn the peace that follows knowing that our lives need to be ruled by love and not by rules, and may those who have not learned this stay far away. And may you also be smart enough to leave the toilet seat down.