Saying I love you

Looking at someone directly in the eye and saying: “I love you” is a bad idea… if you don’t know the person.  It tends to scare them. Of course, if your goal is to scare them then this is a great idea.  For instance, perhaps you’re in line at the grocery store and the person in front of you has a lot of groceries and you don’t want to wait; use this: “Excuse me (get close to their face and in a very serious voice). I need to tell you something important… I love you.”  Although, I guess if your goal is to scare someone at a grocery store there’d be other ways to scare them.  For example, you could jump in their cart and say: “Don’t mind me; I’m just going to have a nap… bread is so soft.”  You could pick up one of their unpackaged vegetables or fruits, squeeze it and say in a gravelly voice like you’ve had too many cigarettes: “Yeah, that’s a good one.” To add to this, tilt your head back and scream… anything really.  At this point any word will do. “Greetings,” or “Insanity,” it all makes you look crazy.  If you’re not one for speaking, you could simply take articles out of the person’s cart and lick them.  To increase the likelihood of making the person leave, slide your tongue slowly up the food item with your eyes closed and say mmm.  Actually, to be creepy all you need is a to say mmm: “You look good… mmm,” “Have a good day… mmm,” “You have cute kids… mmm.”  If being really creepy isn’t your thing then you can simply sneak things into the person’s cart without them seeing you.  When they get to the counter they’ll realize they have a stack of magazines and chocolate bars in their cart, and while they put them back they’ll let you go in front of them to not hold up the line.  If you’re too nice for this, you can simply ask the person: “Can I go in front of you?” According to a study I read awhile ago, a surprising number of people will actually let you.  It’s such an unusual question that it’ll catch most people off guard.  They might be confused and may not like you after, but mission accomplished.  You may think I’m weird, but you know the next time you’re in a grocery store line behind someone with a full cart you’re going to be thinking: maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to lick their food.  Licking the person would be a bad idea because… well I’m sure you can think of a reason why that’d be a bad idea; there are lots of options.

Looking at someone directly in the eye and saying: “I love you” is also a bad idea if you haven’t been dating very long, especially if you don’t know if he or she feels the same.  You don’t want to say I love you and have it followed by a blank stare, or the person looks behind him or her and asks: “Are you talking to me?” like when someone waves at you and you’re not sure if it’s you or someone behind you he or she is waving at.  After you say: “I love you,” you also don’t want to hear: “Thank you.”  That’s not a good sign.  I once dated a girl… I’ll say it’s not my girlfriend so I don’t get in trouble… but this girl was too smart to say thank you or anything like that.  To spare my feelings she didn’t say anything; she just kissed me.  I was happy to be kissing her, and it wasn’t until much later that I realized: “Hey, wait a second.  She didn’t say anything back.”  I didn’t want to get angry in case I just didn’t hear her, so the next time we were together I said it again: “I love you.”  Again, she kissed me.  What? I tried it a third time and got the same response.  This continued for weeks… until she realized what I was doing.  It was brilliant while it lasted though because if we were alone and she started talking about something I didn’t care about: (her) “So at work…” that was when I’d interrupt her and say: “I love you,” so she’d kiss me.  This was awesome: (her) “My family is having a dinner…” (me) “I love you.”  This got me out of doing so much: (her) “Can you help me with…” (me) “I love you.”  I miss those days.  At first she just thought I was trying to crack her emotional wall, but she soon realized I was just a jerk… although not enough of a jerk to break up with me… or maybe she’s with me still because I’m such a great kisser – what do you know, a comment that isn’t sarcastic… it can be done.

Saying I love you is tough.  I can’t do it.  I can say I love you to a group of people, but when it comes to a specific person… ew.  Something about it freaks me out.  I’m so bad I can’t even say it to my mom, and I’d catch a grenade for her; throw my hand on a blade for her, I’d jump in front of a train… okay that’s on the verge of plagiarism and I’m not even plagiarizing something well written.

A lot of guys have a problem of saying I love you.  We can love someone, be undyingly loyal to someone, but saying the words “I love you,” are terrifying.   There’s power in words, and in these words there’s vulnerability and an opening of my heart in a deeper way.  Of course, there are those who say it too often because it’s lost its power.  It’s like saying “How are you?” when you don’t really care.  Fortunately for me, my girlfriend has agreed that I don’t have to say it until we get married… guess who’s not rushing to get married?  It’s her actually.

Ultimately, as hard as saying I love you may be, when there’s a solid commitment in the relationship we need to be saying these words because they are a reminder to the person and to us that we do love him or her.  No matter how angry we might be or annoyed we may become, we need to be reminding ourselves that yes, I do love this person and I am committed to him or her.  Thus, saying I love you to someone is like wearing a wedding ring as it reminds us of the commitment we’ve made and the need to do what we can in order to maintain it.

May this Valentines be a day of sharing love (in the emotional sense) with someone special whether you’re in a romantic relationship with him or her or not… and if you’re a dude out with a girl who is just friends with you… my sympathies.