When I was really young, I thought the pinnacle of being a good son was buying your mom a house like Elvis did. What I didn’t know was that idea was dumb (no offence to me). Maybe if I was from an immigrant family who moved to a new country with nothing then that would be a nice idea because it would be a practical way to say thank you for the sacrifices my parents made to give me a better life. But that’s not my story (mine’s boring). I grew up in a beautiful home full of wonderful memories, so why would my mom want a new house? Even poor parents might not want to move to a new house given to them by their kids because their home is their home. It could even be a little insulting since it’s essentially saying what you’ve achieved isn’t good enough. More importantly, as I’ve learned, good parents want to be a blessing. They want to be able to good things for their kids, and their nightmare is being a burden. They want their kids to be proud to be their kids just like kids want their parents to be proud of them (at least good people want this).
Looking back, I think my goal of being able to do something like buying a house for my mom was my way of showing how much I loved her. Knowing that, my idea wasn’t so dumb (yea, younger me), it was misguided (so still dumb, just not that dumb). If I want my mom to know how much she means to me, I simply need to tell her even if it’s in a Mother’s Day card (that’s a lot cheaper than a house). Even better, I should have a relationship with her where we regularly talk, so she can feel part of my life. Creating new memories with your parents is the best way to say you appreciate all they did… that and being a good person. Being a good person who is happy is definitely a good way to help your parents feel like they did their job well.
What’s interesting is at some point I stopped feeling the need to show how much I appreciated and loved my mom and my focus became wanting to make my dad proud of me. Oddly enough, even though he was a very hard worker and sacrificed a lot for his kids, I never worried about making him feel appreciated (oops). What I wanted was to impress him. I wanted him to say, “Yes, you are a man now.” I knew my mom loved me and part of me assumed my dad loved me as well, but there was something in me that needed to impress him with something big. That’s the power of a dad; they can help us feel like we’ve made it; that we’re good enough.
Dad’s have more power than we often realize. For instance, a lot of women develop their sense of beauty and worth from their dads. There are clearly a lot of dads who haven’t done this well. In fact, my wife was never told she was beautiful by her dad (ouch… although that meant she settled for me, so maybe I should thank him for not boosting her self-worth). For guys, on the other hand, a dad can help a son feel like he’s a man. Again, a lot of guys end up never feeling like they’ve made it because they never had their dad’s approval, which is largely because their dad’s didn’t have their dad’s approval and so on. In a world when a lot of dad’s have neglected their role, we forget how valuable a dad can be and how important it is for us to do our jobs well. Both moms and dads are equally important; it’s just different.
In my mid 30s, I was watching a movie called Woodlawn, which is basically a Christian Remember the Titans. Not only did it surprise me by being good (a Christian movie that’s good? That’s crazy!), there was a scene before the big final game where a caring dad says to his son, “Blah, blah, I’m proud of you.” The “blah, blah,” wasn’t a direct quote (I’m sure you guessed that), but when he said the second part, I was a blubbering mess. I was watching the movie with my in-laws, so when the tears started I did my best to act normal and pretend to sneeze to wipe my nose and cheeks (I’m sneaky like a ninja). Later on my own, I re-watched that scene over and over. That’s what I wanted. I wanted to make my dad proud… which is kind of difficult when he died when I was 25, so he’s not speaking to me anytime soon (is that joke too dark?). When I was in my early 20s and he was still alive, there was a phase where I was listening to Simple Plan’s song about disappointing their dad, “I’m sorry, I can’t be perfect.” It became my anthem. The crazy thing is he never told me he was disappointed and there wasn’t a reason for him to be. Sure, there were a few times (and only a few times) he was angry at me post adolescence, but I was a solid geek and never did anything bad (dumb, yes, but not bad). The one time he was really angry at my brother and I, I now realize was more an expression of feeling forgotten and being tired. The next day he even apologized for it, which was a great act of humility. The truth is this idea that I needed to make my dad proud was all in my head – a problem for a lot of people.
Of course, I never went small when I was young. I always went big (ah, the days when I wasn’t as complacent). I might have wanted to make my dad proud, but what I really wanted was to make God proud. Yea, how do you make the creator of the universe proud? “You made everything? Well, I did a pretty drawing. That’s about equal, right?” The problem was I had the phrase, “The more God gives you, the more He expects,” bouncing in my head growing up. Since I had been given such a great life with an incredible family and friends, I figured God must have expected huge things from me (and by default, I assumed my dad did as well). What’s interesting is I’m just now realizing I never associated this idea of needing to earn the blessings to my sister or brother – just me. It’s amazing how we can put ridiculous standards on ourselves while we give others a free pass.
What’s impressive is I carried this weight of wanting to make my dad and God proud for decades until I finally realized the truth (I’m a slow learner): A good parent is always looking for reasons to be proud. I discovered this lesson when I was 35 when my older brother had the first grandchild in our family. (Yes, we all started late.) My niece was very “special.” No, the quotations weren’t a mistake. The family doctor said in his 25 years of practice he had never met a baby who cried as much (that’s something to brag about). He categorized her as “super-colic.” That’s a gold medal performance… of terribleness. She cried so much… like sooooooo much. I can’t fully describe how much she cried that first ten months, yet somehow my brother would still hold her and talk to her with so much pride in his voice. As someone who hadn’t had kids yet, I thought that was the result of sleep deprivation, but he still loved this ear destroyer. Seeing him is when I realized this idea that a child doesn’t need to “earn” a parents love. The same goes with God. We don’t have to “earn” His love; it’s naturally given. In both cases, we just need to do our best to be a good person and offer love back to them.
What’s interesting is my desire to make God and my dad proud may have had its downfalls, but at the same time it gave me an incredible drive that I needed to get to where I am today. It’s like when we’re young and establishing our adult lives, we need a balance of wanting to prove ourselves and recognizing that we’re loved. Certainly, as we get older the latter becomes more important and it would behoove most adults to see ourselves as our parents see us. There’d be a whole lot less insecurity and defensiveness (and bad partners chosen) if we realized our worth from the people who love us and see us without the negative voice that tells us we’re not good enough or that we should punish ourselves for mistakes.
All this being said, I should point out that I meet people from time to time who, if they asked: “Should my parents be proud of me?” the answer should be no because they suck. (Too blunt?) You can probably think of someone in this category. If not, get a job in retail or as a ref/umpire and you’ll meet people in this category. Some people just suck. Those are the people who need to be more concerned about making their parents proud, or if their parents suck, they should live in such a way that they can be proud of themselves (and maybe even have friends).
People in this last category are more the exception than the rule and if you’re reading this you’re a great person (I don’t mind pandering to my audience… which might be just you). All sucking up aside, that means your parents are proud of you; whether they’ve acknowledged it or not, they are proud of you. If they’re a normal parent, and you’re a normal (to great) person, they are proud of you and who you’ve become, and ultimately what they want more than anything else is for you to see yourself as they see you – wonderful.
This week may you realize that it’s our role as children to live in such a way that it makes it easier for our parents to be proud of us.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)