‘Should I break up?’ is not normally a fun question to ask, but it’s something that everyone who’s dated has asked or will ask at some point. The only exception are people who enjoy relationship rough patches: (messed up person) “I’ve never wondered if we should break up because we’re soul mates, and soul mates always stick together no matter how many times you tell your partner to keep the toaster away from your bath water.” Sometimes the question ‘should we break up?’ comes up when things are okay-ish; you know, it’s not that bad, but it’s not that great either. I remember dating someone and it was tolerable, but it was far from healthy; it just wasn’t horrific enough to really scare me; it was just kind of horrific. Instead of dealing with this situation properly I kept finding an excuse to put up with it: (me) “I just need to finish school,” “I just need to get a better job,” or “I just need to get a new identity.” There was always something that pushed me to endure just a little longer. I was essentially procrastinating the inevitable. It was partly because I was afraid of change, but more importantly, I didn’t want to be alone. I couldn’t convince a girl to date me until I was 21, so breaking up could mean another twenty years of being alone. What do I do, suffer with someone or suffer alone? This same idea can be applied to changing jobs: ‘Should I stay or should I go now?’ to steal a line from the Clash that has nothing to do with a job.
As a therapist, this idea of staying or leaving is something I frequently get asked and I never really knew what to say… until now. One day when I was asked, this answer just came out of my mouth that made so much sense. In my head I was thinking this sounds awesomely smart, and I started cheering for myself, but of course I played it cool like I say this all the time. The truth is, as I said it, I was thinking why haven’t I used this before? It’s so simple: “You have 3 options: you can go all in, stay in the same spot, or get out and run.”
- Go All In: To go all in, you have to seriously go all in. This means for one month (minimum) you will be the best version of yourself as you can be. No matter what that person does or says, you will act in kindness and gentleness. You will offer as much appreciation as appropriate and continually do nice things for your partner like simple chores and behaviors he or she has asked you to do for years plus buy little gifts (e.g. flowers, favourite chocolate bar). If you end up engaging in a fight, the month starts over because you need to go one full month without any bad days. You need to prove to your partner that you are completely safe because as he or she feels safe with you, he or she will start to be safer for you. We need to change us if we want the other person to change for us. As I like to say, if you want your partner to love you, you need to love him or her first. If your partner doesn’t change in that month, you can try another month to see if he or she needs more time, or you should consider using the third option on this list because that person has some serious issues… or maybe even your nicest side sucks, but I’m going with the former rather than the latter for you because you must be a good person to read my post.
- Stay the Same: The most common response to a rough patch in a relationship is to do nothing like I did. I just hoped it’d get better. Unfortunately, hoping something will change is like hoping someone who’s never done magic will magically be able to cut you in half and put you together again. Hope is a wonderful and valuable thing, but we need to be careful not to misplace it. Hoping your partner will magically change is unfair. Telling your partner to go to therapy because he or she is crazy is insulting. If you’re fighting, you’re half the problem. Doing nothing will continue this pattern until one day when one or both of you explode and the relationship ends in a horrible mess. Exploding can be cheating or having the fight that ends all fights where you do something you can’t believe you did. Ignoring a problem is essentially saying, “Let’s just break up later when we’re so full of resentment and anger so it’s easier.”
- Get Out & Run: This is often the best answer, but people (including me) often don’t have the courage to do it. Essentially, if you don’t have it in you to go all in, that’s a sign you should be getting out and running. If you can’t go all in for a month, that essentially means you’re done with the relationship whether you’re too worn out to care or you are to angry to. If you can’t go all in and won’t ‘get out and run’, the default is the ‘stay the same’ category where you’re just going to endure it until one of you explodes.
Neither ending a relationship nor taking the necessary steps to fix it is easy. Both are hard to do, which is why most people end up defaulting to ‘stay the same’ until it all comes crashing down in a storm of hurt. Years ago I chose to just tolerate the relationship, but that never ends well. We need to seek change when things aren’t healthy.
This week if you’re in a good relationship may you thank your partner for being so great, or if you’re in a poopy one, may you have the courage to do something about it.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people