No, I am not a woman, and yes I am brazen enough to claim that this is something every woman should read. Do I understand women? Absolutely… kind of. Am I delusional? No, but you can decide by reading this… offering an opportunity to make up your own opinion rather than be controlling is something many women will appreciate. See? I have some understanding of women. As a therapist, officiant, and an observer of people in general, I have found that a lot of women in their late 30s and/or 40s hit a wall where they ask the question: Who am I and what do I want? This wall can lead to women looking for love outside of their marriage (especially if they want to feel special and/or attractive), getting divorced, changing careers, getting heavily involved in charity work, redecorating, trying to feel younger, and/or getting really involved in a new hobby. There’s a reason self help books are selling millions of copies, and it’s not the men who are buying these books… unless they’re buying them as gifts for their partners. It’s like who made Oprah huge? No, that’s not a fat joke – I’m not going to do a fat joke when I’m writing something for women; I’m not that dumb. There’s a reason universities have large groups of women in their 40s enrolled in their schools and new exercise classes and health food stores are continually starting. Women are looking for something more whereas many men can be more easily pacified with video games, sports, and being an armchair athlete.
So why do women hit this wall? Here’s my theory, which is based on two key elements: 1. Women need a project. 2. Women are very social creatures. In regards to the first point, everyone needs a purpose, but women in particular need a specific project to focus their attention on and give them a sense of value (this is discussed further in my book Emotional Sex: Making Good Relationships Great). For the second point, claiming women are more social than men shouldn’t be a big surprise – at least men below 50 because as many men get older they get chatty. Remember recess? Girls would huddle, talk and play communication based games while guys would play sports or do some activity to impress girls. Through the school years, most girls have the project of school and/or finding their dream guy whether a celebrity or someone they actually know. This will create hours of conversation for them. As these girls grow up and settle into relationships they’ll get into things like travel, getting a career, marriage, buying the first house, and having kids. These are the major life events that inspire conversations and excitement for several decades. Eventually, as women approach their late 30s and both they and all their friends have also settled in with career, marriage, house and kids, the whirlwind settles enough that they can feel… bored and stale. Add this feeling to the fact these women have run out of exciting things to think and talk about with friends, and it’s no wonder they’re left asking who am I and what do I want? My mom didn’t have this phase because being a mom was what she wanted to be more than anything, and as my siblings and I got older, she became more involved in taking care of her own mom. On top of this, as time passed, my mom ended up with a collection of older women she would visit and for whom to care. My mom didn’t experience this questioning phase in the same way because she always had a project, which was taking care of people, and now she has a grandchild and that’s the greatest project she’s ever had (being a grandma doesn’t involve waking up in the middle of the night like it does for a mom). Some women get a glimpse of the old excitement as they live vicariously through their children (this explains why some mom’s become vicious during wedding planning and nag about wanting grandkids), but women need something that gets them excited to think and talk about, and if there isn’t something they will look for it. After getting married, our house being in pretty good shape, and not ready for kids, my wife is stuck on this idea of needing to have a pet. What will happen if we get one? She’ll need something new to think and talk about. That’s the way it works for women and it’s a wonderful gift that can lead to new adventures and great discoveries. Unfortunately, it can also lead to a lot of unnecessary self doubt and hurting loved ones as they look for a sense of value. To help reduce the risk of anyone, woman and man, making a really bad life decision, here is my favourite exercise to know what you want. Simply answer this question:
At my funeral, what are the top five things I want people to say about me?
For instance, my top five are: I want people to say I cared about others, I was a great man (meaning I was a great son, husband, father, and friend), I was able to make life more enjoyable for those around me, I did some cool things, and I role modelled what it means to enjoy life. Next becomes the challenge of making decisions that help me fill these goals, which means I need to resolve conflict with family, do my best to have a happy marriage, and spend my money on things that matter. Life isn’t as complicated as we want to make it. We often just need to remember the big picture and how we want to be remembered.
This week may you start to live the life you wanted based on how you want to be remembered.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people