Fun Fact: This is my 600th post
Life was made to be simple: Work to eat and drink, eat and drink, connect with others, and rest – that’s basically it. Life is so simple there are only three primary colours, seven basic facial expressions, and even four types of chromosomes (metacentric, submetacentric, acrocentric, and telocentric). Where did I learn that last impressive fact? The Magic School Bus Rides Again. Nothing like learning smart sounding things from a kid’s show. Similarly, communication can be broken down into a simple format. No, I didn’t learn this from a kid’s show. I figured that out through thousands of hours of talking with people as a therapist. Life experience is often the best teacher. So what is this simple format? Communication can be broken down into five basic categories, which are rooted in the four anger styles (i.e. aggressive, passive aggressive, passive, and assertive). I apologize for starting this lesson off sounding like math class: “So are there nine communication styles I’m supposed to be aware of now?” Nope, just five:
- Desperate Attacker
- Desperate Defender
- Hider
- Cold & Condescending
- Healthy Communicator
When I discuss this topic with people in therapy sessions they’ll want to jump to the Healthy Communicators category, but in order to better understand what healthy looks like, it’s best to start by seeing what unhealthy looks like. This is particularly helpful when most of us regularly see the unhealthy categories and not realize how unhealthy they are. When all you see is unhealthy, you start to think that’s normal. Thus, in this lesson we’re going to start by pointing out how people typically suck… no offence to anyone who finds they’re in one of these categories (which is everyone). What’s fun about the unhealthy styles is there will be at least one you’ll know well and a good chance you’ll recognize times you’ve been in all four. Not only does being healthy take some learning, it’s a lot of work to break lifelong habits, which is why even though I can teach this, I still end up in the unhealthy categories a lot of the time. The bonus is I can at least recognize where I went wrong and can apologize and strive for better next time.
So what do these categories look like?
- Desperate Attacker (The aggressive approach): These people follow the idea that the best defense is a good offense. They’re like injured dogs. Even the nicest dogs when they’re injured and/or scared will get aggressive. If someone gets too close, the dog will growl, snap, and even bite. Similarly, people will get louder, start to use insults and threats, and if they’re pushed too far they’ll get violent. What’s important to remember is a Desperate Attacker doesn’t want to be this person; they’re just scared and dealing with hurt. These people tend to be very in the moment and have a hard time thinking beyond what’s happening right now even though their actions might lead to really bad repercussions.
- Desperate Defender (A passive approach): These people follow the idea that the best defense is a good defense. They’re like desperate salesmen. They try too hard, apologize too quickly, and can be annoying. How do I know that? This is my main category – it’s fun. If people in this category say something dumb, we try to dig ourselves out of the hole, which makes it worse. A popular move for this category is to walk on eggshells. This is like being in a constant state of fear: “Are you okay? Can I do anything for you? Please just be happy. I’m scared of conflict/disappointing people/getting in trouble. Please just be okay.” The worst part about this category is defenders are always defending what they did, which is really annoying to the other person: “Of course you have an excuse.” When people defend themselves, it makes the other person feel like they’re being told they’re wrong for thinking that way. This naturally causes the original speaker to, in-turn, defend their own position, so now you have two parties defending their side, which is no different than countries at war: (country 1) “You’re bad! (Kills people)” (country 2) “No, you are! (Kills people).” (country 1) “No, you are! (Kills more people).” What’s important to know is eventually a Desperate Defender can snap and become a Desperate Attacker whether at others or themselves.
- Hider (A passive approach): Hiders hide (shocking I know). They’ll do whatever they can to avoid people, feelings, conflict, and situations. They bury their head in the sand, which is dangerous because if you ever bury your head, you’re going to get kicked in the butt. Hiders are procrastinators who bottle up their feelings, which means they need some type of addiction to help them keep it stuffed down whether by drinking, smoking, shopping, screen time, being busy, cheating, or whatever other unhealthy tool helps them avoid what they need to face. This naturally leads to them to being at risk of lying because the truth can cause conflict. The important thing to recognize with Hiders is their behavior is caused by fear, especially their silence. They don’t want to make you feel brushed off. They’re just too scared to face something. This type of silence can be classified as stonewalling, but it’s emotionally shutting down out of fear and not meant to be mean even though it’s often interpreted that way. Like Desperate Defenders, Hiders can snap and have a very Desperate Attacker moment.
- Cold & Condescending (The passive aggressive approach): These people are awesome… in their own brains: “I’m not yelling, so I’m better than you.” You can recognize these people by their eye rolls and sighs of disgust: “Of course you’d say that,” or “I knew you’d yell because you’re crazy.” You know what makes people crazy? Cold & Condescending treatment. When someone treats you with contempt, constant criticism, and giving you the silent treatment, which is shutting you out emotionally out of punishment (this is the meaner version of stonewalling because it’s about power and not fear), it can crush the soul of even the most confident person over time. Ever wonder how nice guys can end up with a broken hand because they punched a wall? They’re most likely in a relationship with someone who crushes their soul and they snapped. The worst part of this category is the Cold & Condescending person will drive people to do things they’d normally never do and then the Cold & Condescending person will use it against the person in the future. Cold & Condescending behavior can sometimes be as simple as getting in the last word, giving a jab comment, or using passive aggressive joking (i.e. jokes with a hidden message in them). People who are in the other categories can do these simpler things, so it’s good to recognize whether the behavior is a one off or a sign they’re actually in this category.
Please Note: Anyone who’s narcissist is in this category, but not everyone in this category is a narcissist.
The other tricky thing about Cold & Condescending people is sometimes they think they’re better than you and other times it feels like they think they’re better than you, but it’s more of a guarded behavior. The big difference is if they snap, (passive aggressive people will eventually explode just like a passive person), the Cold & Condescending person who thinks they’re superior will be like “Know your place!” whereas the scared and guarded person uses Cold & Condescending behaviors as a way to gain control over people to reduce their anxiety and/or to drag others down to their level. Either way, it’s about power and control (and it sucks).
Bonus Thought: In stereotypical Canadian relationships, husbands end up Hiders and Desperate Defenders while wives typically end up Desperate Attackers (e.g. they end up nagging because they’re desperate to feel heard and helped) and Cold & Condescending. This isn’t meant to be a criticism against women; it’s simply the pattern I see. It also makes sense women end up here when they’re typically better with words and have higher standards for things like social etiquette, cleanliness, and fashion rules. They’re expectations are above the normal guy. On top this, they often end up with resentment from feeling neglected and forced to do more of the family planning, which can make them feel like a single parent instead of being with a partner.
Healthy Communicators (Assertive): Yes, we’re finally in the Healthy Communicators category… and I’m going to leave it without any explanation. Why? Because that’s what this book (and my weekly blog) is about.
This week may you consider when you go into the different unhealthy categories.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)