The Darwin Awards are my guilty pleasure. I love the stories they offer for conversation and, to be honest, they make me feel a little bit better about myself. I don’t mean this in the Jerry Springer appeal way – although it is – but they are a great reminder that no matter how dumb I may be or how bad a moment I may have, it could be worse. Here is this year’s list rewritten by me… yes, I’m a control freak.
WINNERS OF THE DARWIN AWARDS FOR 2014
Nominee #1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man used a shotgun like a club to ram a former girlfriend’s windshield… sorry, let me try again: An unidentified man used a loaded shotgun… This action caused the gun to accidentally fire, which blew a giant hole in the man’s stomach. A dead body and splattered innards over the car wasn’t the revenge he was hoping for, but he certainly left his mark.
Nominee #2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
A thirty-four year old mechanic was frustrated trying to figure out the source of a noise that was coming from under his truck. He decided to have a friend drive the truck on a highway while he hung underneath it in order to pinpoint where the troubling noise was originating. I’m hoping this wasn’t a technique he learned in car school because, well, does it get any dumber than this? The driver eventually pulled over because he heard a new and very unpleasant noise. When he looked under the truck he found his friend “wrapped in the drive shaft.” They say if you have to die you should die doing something you love… I hope he loved being stupid.
Nominee #3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
A forty-seven year old… let me say it again, a forty seven year old… accidentally shot himself to death. Waking up “to a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.” I guess this is proof that not being a morning person can be hazardous to your health.
Nominee #4: [UPI, Toronto]:
A 39 year old lawyer was demonstrating the strength and safety of the windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper to visiting law students by body checking one. To his dismay, this man proved the opposite because he crashed through the pane of glass… or I guess he proved he had superhero strength. Unfortunately, he didn’t also have the superhero ability to fly as he plunged 24 floors to his death. Although this event didn’t prove the glass was very solid, it did prove that the asphalt was.
Nominee #5: [The News of the Weird]:
After several years of appealing his murder conviction and being sentenced to death by the electric chair, Michael Anderson Godwin was able to get the charge reduced to life in prison. Unfortunately, his excitement for getting out of the government sanctioned electrocution was cut shockingly short when one day “he was sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set.” Not realizing how electricity is conducted, “he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.” Thus, proving karma is a chameleon.
Nominee #6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A 19 year old man from Dunkirk, IN was trying to check the barrel of a muzzleloader rifle. Not having a flashlight he opted to use a cigarette lighter… that wasn’t so smart. The lighter caused the gunpowder to ignite… can you see where this is going? This young man inadvertently shot himself in the face, which is never a wise choice if your goal is to stay alive.
Nominee #7: [Mississauga, Ontario]:
A 55 year old man decided to fill his bird feeder. That’s a good idea. He tried filling it while standing on a wheel chair. That’s not a good idea. He did this on the balcony of his condominium apartment… on the 23rd floor. That’s… um… a very, very not good idea. As wheels tend to do, the wheelchair wheels rolled, which led this man to fall… and fall… and fall… and land undesirably.
THE WINNER: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Shortly after midnight, Thurston Poole, 33, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, were on their way home after a frog catching trip… already I’m sure you’re thinking this is going to be good. The one guy’s name is Billy Ray and he was on a frog catching trip? Having an issue with the headlight fuse and not having a replacement, “Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded.” After about 20 miles, the bullet “overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.”
Wallis ended up with a broken clavicle and saying one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard someone say, “Thank God we weren’t on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead.” The state trooper then said what we’re all thinking: “I can’t believe that those two would admit how this accident happened.” Sometimes lying is the wise choice… this would be one of those times. Sometimes we need to protect the ones we love from being associated to our stupidity. Fortunately, Poole’s wife’s wasn’t upset by this as her response asking “how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?” Ah, true love.
Normally to win a Darwin Award you need to die, but the judges agreed, “Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.”
Thank you Darwin Awards for these stories. May 2015 keep you from making this list.
Rev. Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people