My wife is scheduled to have a c-section for our third daughter January 31. Am I excited? Good question. Last week my wife told me the baby moved into the head down ready for delivery position, so she could essentially be born at any time and within a few hours of hearing that I had a sty develop in my eye, which I get when my stress levels get too high. Coincidence? Doubtful. Fun fact, two years ago I did a wedding for a bride named Daisy who told me she was unplanned, so she was literally an “oops-a-daisy” (a title her family somehow missed). For the record, our baby is not an oops. She’s more proof I’m whipped. This was a “husband was happy with two, but the wife wanted a third” situation – hence my whipped-ness: “Yes, Dear (and panicking inside).” On the plus side, at least I can take comfort knowing the third is always the best. Yes, I’m the third in my family, so no bias there (said while wiping the dripping sarcasm from my mouth).
Some people might consider what I just wrote as rude, but I’d say it’s honest with a goal to be amusing. That’s the problem with communication; it is highly affected by the interpretation and perspective of the listener, which is challenging because people suck… I mean they can suck… I mean they can be less than ideal (aka the nice way of saying “People suck”).
About a month ago I was at a large work Christmas party through my mother-in-law. At one point, we were in a gym waiting to see an acrobat show (I wasn’t exaggerating when I wrote “large work Christmas party”). When my daughters were settled on the floor waiting for the show enjoying snacks and hot chocolate, I said to my wife and mother-in-law also enjoying snacks and hot chocolate, “I’m going to get some hot chocolate.” My mother-in-law’s response was to point to a booth and say, “It’s over there.” Now we were in a gym with a stage at one end and two 12 foot tall tents with giant signs saying, “Free Hot Chocolate” at the other. The only other thing in that room were people who were all less than 12 feet tall – makes it kind of obvious where the hot chocolate is. We even entered walking past both booths – makes it even more obvious. And only a few minutes prior I helped my girls’ get their hot chocolates from one of the 12 foot booths with giant signs saying “Free Hot Chocolate” – is there a step beyond obvious? There was no way I wouldn’t know where to find the hot chocolate – my memory isn’t that bad. When my mother-in-law said, “It’s over there,” my response was to laugh while saying, “You mean where there’s a giant sign that says hot chocolate?” I thought my lighthearted sarcasm was pretty obvious, but my wife quickly snapped, “That was rude,” but was it? I was trying to be funny and make light of a simple moment: My mother-in-law was trying to be helpful. Or maybe she was just saying the first thing to come to her mind because, really, what do you say to someone like me saying they’re going to get hot chocolate? “Don’t wet your pants!” Arguably that’d be a pretty funny saying to use whenever someone says something to you: (cashier) “Have a nice day,” (me) “Don’t wet your pants.” Or (friend) “I booked my vacation,” (me) “Don’t wet your pants.” It’s good advice no one really wants to hear.
What’s interesting is my wife accusing me of being rude felt to me like she was being rude. It’s interesting how we often become (or are doing) what we accuse others of doing like being rude, controlling, and manipulating. Of course, I’m glad my wife said something instead of holding onto it: “My husband is so rude… I’ll use that in five years when we’re having a fight.” Because she said something, I was able to apologize and reaffirm what I had intended: “Sorry, I was trying to be funny, but I guess it came out wrong.” And no, I didn’t point out to my wife that I thought she had been rude because… well, it’s not worth it: (wife) “You’re being rude,” (me) “No, you are,” (wife) “No, you are,” (me) “No, you are… and now all the people around us staring are being rude.” Healthy people need to pick their battles, especially when you’re in public. It also helps I’m not a woman, so I won’t bring this up in the future – was that rude? Like a typical guy, I won’t bring it up because I’ll forget about it… or I use it for teaching a lesson like this… so I guess I’m like half girl half guy?
The other week I was at Home Depot, and as I entered the checkout line the guy in front of me was picking up his stuff to leave while apologizing to the cashier. After he left, I asked her what had happened, and she said she hates when people ask her why she looks so bored. I guess he tried making a joke about it and she snapped at him. In this situation, she thought he was being rude, but who’s really the one being rude: the guy who tried breaking the ice with an observation or her response to him? I gave her some pleasantries afraid of being attacked myself (she clearly wasn’t afraid to snap at customers), but I was thinking, “Um, maybe he’s not the problem. Maybe you need to stop having resting bored face and try smiling. And maybe while working on that you can try being less of a jerk to customers you’re giving a receipt to that allows them to do a survey commenting on the service.” Sometimes we need to correct rude behavior, but sometimes it’s not our place – that’s her boss’s problem to address.
At the heart of rude behavior is this sense of judgement and disgust: “You’re less than me.” It can also be the reverse: “I think you think you’re better than me, so I’m looking down on you for looking down on me.” That’s a weird moment, but it happens surprisingly often. What I’ve recently realized is that what is perceived as rude behavior can be less judgement and disgust and more something else. Here are some examples of what I mean:
- A sign the social filter is down: Lower social filters can be from hunger, tiredness, or simply because filters tend to be lower at home.
- Distracted: People can be accused of being rude because they’re distracted thinking of something else or doing something while the other person is trying to talk to them. Not paying attention to someone can be rude or it can be a sign the talker isn’t interesting or trying to talk at a bad time.
- In a rush: When people are in a rush, their focus is elsewhere
- Scared: Sometimes when people are “shy” or defending themselves, they end up looking rude when it’s more fear coming out.
- Warning to back off: Likely connected to fear, rude behavior can be a warning that the person is about to explode and they need you to back off in order to calm themselves down.
- Meanness: Sometimes people are rude as an attempt to knock someone else down.
- Socially oblivious: People (aka me) can be accused of being rude when that’s the farthest thing from their goal – they’re trying to connect with humor or some type of sharing. When someone is oblivious, it’s easy for the other person to end up being rude as they judge the oblivious person.
This week may we all consider if we’re coming across rude and/or misreading someone’s behavior.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)