One of the best lessons I’ve ever learned is in the book The Spirituality of Imperfection. The lesson is given by a Rabbi who tells his disciples that everyone needs to have two pockets: one for gold and one for dirt. On the one hand, we are as precious as gold, and on the other, we’re as base as dirt. I’ve come to apply this teaching to couples as well. I always recommend every partnership find another couple who exemplifies what a healthy and happy relationship looks like; something they can look up to and strive to be more like. At the same time, I also recommend they know a psycho couple in order to be reminded of how lucky they each are to have one another. We’re often taught that comparing is dangerous, but if it’s done right it can be a wonderful way to stay balanced: I’m not perfect and I’m not scum, and you’re not perfect and you’re not scum. Having both ideas helps prevent us from being overly prideful while also helping us be more appreciative of what we have. Ultimately, there will always be someone better and worse than us, and someone better off and worse off than us.
In light of using comparisons to feel better, the following situation made me feel better about myself as I hope it will also help you. Please know I’m writing this in appreciation and not out of judgement (last week’s article was about judgement so I wanted to clarify; I try to practice what I preach).
This weekend I was working at a relationship event promoting my book at a booth and doing seminars. My booth was across from the bathrooms. I saw a lot of patient men… and some very impatient men. This one couple stood out because they were a couple and not just a man outside the bathroom waiting for his partner. Outside of a public bathroom is not the place I would normally choose to hang out as a couple. Outside of a bathroom is also not the place I would choose to make out, especially when the bathroom has been heavily used and a smell was being offered passersby that often curled lips and crinkled noses. To this couple, however, this scent was apparently incense that sparked the steaming of hormones because they were going at it, and by “it” I don’t mean anything bathroom related. They were making out and they weren’t subtle about it. I’ve never liked seeing people make out, but outside of a bathroom seemed like a particularly bad place to do it. I’ve never thought: “I just excreted bodily waste; I think it’s time to share saliva, and I should stay close to remind myself of my accomplishment,” or “Other people are leaving lighter from here; let’s celebrate by tongue wrestling.” The couple who were involved were in their early twenties and not particularly attractive. Picture a younger, chubbier Dr. Phil and a younger, shorter Rosie O’Donnell in teenage inappropriate public ecstasy. I don’t want to seem rude, but this was poor viewing. Also, please know I’m not upset they were unattractive and kissing; I was upset the unattractive way they were kissing. Their style was… unprofessional to put it mildly. Let me describe it in overly descriptive language for you. He was a good two heads taller than her so her head was tilted straight up and he was lurching down on top of her face with his. He then had one hand on the top of her head and one hand under her chin in a full grip like a guy trying to rip a basketball out of an opponent’s hands. Already he’s starting at a handy cap (yes, that’s supposed to be a pun: “handy cap” is a hat made of hands), but what truly made this the worst kiss I’ve ever seen was the motion of the kiss. With their mouths lip locked, his head was going up and down like a plumber using a plunger in a toilet. Up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down… I think the toilet’s good now. It was so much like a plunger that there was even extra force on the downward motion. It could also be compared to when a person has a giant squid over his face like in the cartoons and he’s trying to pull it off. The way he kept thrusting his mouth I kept thinking are you trying to crack her teeth? That’d be a good way to do it and that goal would make the motion make sense; otherwise, it’s just bizarre. Plus, he looked like he was going to wreck his neck the way he was thrusting his neck like an angry chicken pecking the ground for grain glued down. My one thought was maybe one of them doesn’t have teeth and the gums were acting like trampolines to push him back up, so it’s like a fun game going up and down. I also wondered if she was choking and he was using his tongue to fish out the food lodged in her esophagus. Or perhaps he was cleaning the plaque off her teeth with his tongue. Maybe he had a tongue piercing that’s also a metal scalar like a hygienist uses and he needed the thrusting to get off the particularly sticky plaque. It ultimately resembled a horror movie scene where the alien has just attached his mouth to hers in order to inject his alien tongue deep into her body to suck out her innards. Whatever the analogy, this kiss was in the running for the worst kiss ever.
I couldn’t help but watch this monstrosity to try to understand what they were doing and if they were actually enjoying it… I think they did. My one reoccurring thought was get a mirror or a coach; watch a romantic comedy or any teenage TV show like Saved by the Bell and get a few tips on how to look good kissing. This was not how to do it. It was awful… and yet amazing at the same time. Watching him treat her like an oral toilet reminded me that I’m not so bad at kissing after all and I know how to pick a better place to kiss than outside of a bathroom. Thank you strangers for making me feel better about my own technique. No matter how bad I may be, I could definitely be worse.
May this week lead you to seeing the benefits of having a balance. You and your partner are both as precious as gold and base as dirt.
Rev Chad David, EmotionalSex.ca, emotional tune up