Talking is very important, but there’s something that is sometimes even more important (I think I heard women gasping). Sometimes the best thing for us is to journal. When I suggest this to most guys their response is “Ew.” I get it, but when I say journal, I’m not saying we should be like an adolescent girl: “Dear Diary…” I make my journals a prayer and start with “Dear LORD,” but you don’t need a greeting. You can just go straight to writing: “Today sucked!” Dumping information on a page allows our brain to let it go and relax. This is the same reason why writing to-do lists before bed can be helpful for better sleep –our brains don’t have to remember anything anymore.
The first rule I should note is journaling doesn’t have to be long. We write what we need to dump on the page. I usually recommend guys aiming for three to five sentences. That’s it. On average, that’s how long I write. My journaling usually follows this basic set up:
- State my emotion (typically anger)
- Consider why I have this emotion (typically because people suck)
- Consider if there is anything I can do about it (typically limited because I can’t make people suck less, but at least I’m getting out my emotion)
The second rule of journaling is it doesn’t have to be every day, but it’s good to do before bed to clear your head. When I was a teenager, I journalled pretty much every day, but back then life was dramatic and my brain was in high development mode (now it’s more on the decline – yea, aging). Presently, I typically journal a couple times a month because life is pretty basic. If I start journaling more regularly, this is a warning that things are off and I need to address it. For instance, last November and December I was journaling almost every day because I was going through a rough spell. Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything specific I could do about it. I just needed to ride out that terrible time, and journaling helped me keep some sanity. Even better, I got to complain without sounding like a whiner to anyone.
The third rule of journaling is it doesn’t have to be nice. In my seventeen years with my wife I’ve never yelled at her or been insulting… to her face. That being said, I have many journal entries that start: “Why is she so crazy?” and I’m guessing hers would mostly start: “Why is he such a jerk?” I’ve written some pretty nasty things, but who cares? No one’s reading it – not even me. This is just an emotional dump. I never reread my journals unless I wrote something particularly insightful and I put a big star beside it. These moments, however, are super rare. Normally it’s just an emotional dump that I leave on the page. Maybe one day when I’m old and want to reflect on my life I’ll read them, but overall, all that my journals are good for is burning, which I’ve made my wife promise to do after I die.
I know a lot of women would rather their husbands share more with them directly, but I find a journal is safer. I can put anything I want down on the page and not worry about it being taken the wrong way or being used against me later. It’s also great because if I ever want to return to what my brain has needed to process, it’s available. Writing out the most private thoughts without fear of judgement is very beneficial because if we can’t get something out, it’ll grow in power over us. Even better (what women will like to hear), by writing it on paper, it can help us be more comfortable sharing it in person.
Journaling can also be great for helping women reduce how much they share (I think I hear husbands cheering) since it helps them to consolidate some of their thoughts. This is helpful because guys have limited attention spans. It’s not that we don’t care; our brains are different, and we need it more to the point.
Journaling is great for everyone when we need to process something and it’s late at night when other people are too tired to listen. Other times, I find journaling helpful because I don’t have to worry about including another person like in a proper conversation or be distracted by their comments. Sometimes that kind of conversation is helpful and other times we need to just focus on ourselves. Plus, it goes back to my earlier point that by putting it on a page, our brains can stop holding onto it. It’s like a to-do list; writing it down let’s our brains relax because it doesn’t have to remember it anymore.
The other week I could feel my head being weighted down and needing to write in my journal. I had talked to my wife about it, but it was still swirling in my head. That night my journal was a longer than usual, but it led to a very interesting revelation. I’ll give you the basics of it as an example of why I journal. First, here’s the back story. I first met Zachary Levi (Chuck, Flynn Ryder, Shazam) in 2012 when I was in New York City for a book seminar. He was doing a play and he signed autographs for fans after the show. I ended up giving him my book, Emotional Sex: Making Good Relationships Great, and he quoted it on social media, which was pretty amazing. After that, I contacted his agent and asked about helping him write a biography that he could give to fans as a free download as a way to promote himself. I was told thank you, and never heard back from the agent – shocker. Several years later Zac did a second play, and I came up with a proposal to ask if I could help him write a book on kindness. I arranged two separate trips with friends to see him a total of six times after his shows for signings for various reasons during that play (good sales people aim for the rule of six to sell something). Visits included getting a photo with friends and simply giving him different gifts like gift cards to pass out at random. At the sixth meeting, for whatever reason, I asked if he’d meet my wife and I for coffee and for some reason he agreed – what? He met us the next day at Starbucks before the show and I could barely speak. I might as well have handed him my tongue because I forgot how to use it. He was very kind and left saying, “I’ll pray about the idea.” This is arguably the smartest rejection ever because now it was God’s fault if it didn’t work out and not his. Overall, the experience was mind blowing, but I never heard back from him. In 2019 Zac was in Toronto for autographs at Fan Expo… and I obviously went to see him. When I went up to him for a photograph, he remembered me – that was pretty cool. He also remembered me with a smile and not “Oh, the crazy person” – that was a bonus. I once again offered to help him write a book and this time… was like the others. Several years later he came out with a book on love. I like to think I put the idea in his head, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how he would see it. Now fast forward to Christmas 2022. I’m doing my devotions and this idea crosses my mind: You need to go to Fan Expo and encourage Zachary Levi. I remember thinking, “That’s weird,” especially when nothing had been announced about Fan Expo and celebrities almost never go more than once. I told my wife that I thought God gave me a job to do, and she was like “That’s weird, and he’s going to think you’re weird,” and I responded, “Yup, but who cares because the odds are he’s not going to be there, so it’s fine.” Two months later it was announced he was going to be there, so I was like “I guess I’m going to look weird.” I then spent the next however many months trying to think about what I should say and how to say it without sounding like a weirdo. I also pushed hard to publish a new book I’ll be announcing soon in order to give him a copy since he’s a Christian who is a big advocate for emotional health. A number of things came together that helped me be able to go, and I kept telling myself, “If this is from God, it’ll work out.” Arriving at Fan Expo, my hatred of crowds was triggered hard. If you’ve never been to Fan Expo, picture a New York City subway at rush hour on Halloween with vendors adding to the claustrophobia and BO being a steady scent in the air. Unlike previous visits with Zac where I was trying to sell the idea of having me help him write a book, my goal was to encourage him and offer help with his charity work that addresses mental illness – I’m a therapist, so it’d make sense for him to want to use me.
What’s interesting is every time I’ve met Zac it came at a really difficult time in my life. It was like God was giving me something positive to look forward to… or seeing Zac is bad luck – it could go either way. Because of my last experience seeing Zac, I figured he’d recognize me and as I waited in line to see him I knew the message I thought God wanted me to share was too long to say, so I wrote it down on a paper I was putting in the book I was giving him. I was able to avoid the trap of being too nervous to talk (my tongue worked this time) and didn’t beat myself up after like every previous visit, but I still had some things to unpack, which I did in my journal that night (and several times since). That night I wrote about how it was neat the way things came together for me to be there and ready to see him, which led into asking God: “Why have I had these opportunities to connect with Zac? Is it just coincidence or something more?” and “Why have you helped me be in this position where You’ve taught me so much wisdom and helped me write books I’m proud of but don’t have any real way to get people to care about?” I also concluded that I want to help the world not for pride or to like myself. I want to help the world because it’s so mean. How can anyone really feel safe? All of these conclusions were discovered through journaling.
What was hard for me was this time felt different going in, but it ended up pretty much the same. What was interesting was my final point in my journal: “Maybe today was all about me. Maybe God wanted me to ‘encourage’ Zac because He wanted me to be encouraged.” He knew I needed a break and a chance to spend time with my brother, which never happens anymore because of our kids. He knew I needed a chance to sit in silence, which is what happened for 45 minutes waiting to watch an interview with Jamie Lee – that was heaven… not Jamie Lee, but the silence before. When you’re used to watching kids, what I used to think was boring is now the greatest gift – peace. God also knew I needed to laugh and Zac Levi’s panel was stand-up comic level hilarious since he’s a mild version of Jim Carrey. It was incredible watching him work the crowd. Even the message I thought God wanted me to share, a three sentence encouragement, I suddenly felt like God was saying, “This is also for you. Whether he reads the message you wrote for him doesn’t matter. You need to hear this, too.” Maybe that conclusion was my brain being wishful, but it was nice to consider. In other journal entries I wasn’t as positive about the experience and that’s okay because all of our emotions are a gift from God and need to be experienced.
This week may you consider how talking and journaling can help you flush out your thoughts better.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)