From my experience, women tend to be external processors (aka talkers) while guys tend to be internal processors (aka in their head). That’s a fun difference: (woman) “Why don’t you talk more?” (guy) “There’s nothing to talk about.” (woman) “I want you to tell me about your feelings.” (guy) “Okay… uh, I’m fine… wow, that felt good to share.” (woman) “Can’t you at least ask me about my feelings?” (guy) “Your answer won’t be ‘fine’ so it kind of scares me.” Most women are used to sharing their thoughts and feelings with someone as a way to figure things out. That’s why they typically get angry at their husbands and/or parents who throw solutions at them when they try sharing: (woman) “I can figure this out on my own. I just need to hear myself talk it out. If I want your help, I’ll ask for it.” (confused guy) “If you don’t want an answer, why do I need to listen to you talking? Besides, I’m giving you the answer, so you’ll think I’m your hero… and it’ll help you shut up, so I can watch the game – win-win.” The added benefit of external processing is women get things off their chest and create a sense of connection with the person with whom they’re sharing. It’s a very healthy way to deal with emotions… but it’s not the “right” way. Since men are more internal processors (aka they keep things to themselves), they naturally reduce the risk of gossip and unnecessary drama. Both ways have their benefits and their drawbacks. And of course, I’m not saying all women are talkers and all men keep it to themselves. That’s just the main pattern I’ve seen as a therapist. That being said, I’ve never met a woman who didn’t know how to share – crazy, I know. I’ve met talkative men, but I’m yet to find a woman who wasn’t able to talk a lot if she feels safe. A woman not sharing is a giant warning sign. If a wife isn’t talkative over a period of time, there’s a good chance she doesn’t feel safe, and if she doesn’t feel safe enough to talk, there’s a good chance she’s building resentment and/or talking to another guy.
Unfortunately, when men don’t share very much to their partner (aka being normal guys), women typically take that as rejection. Thus, a husband who’s not bonding with his wife through sharing will likely end up getting sharp and/or cold behavior in return and wonder why: (guy) “I didn’t say anything dumb, so why are you angry at me?” (woman) “It’s not what you said; it’s what you’re not saying.” (guy) “Would it help if I said I was fine again?” What’s interesting is this rejection women feel is like payback for the years of rejection a guy felt from girls in high school… or maybe that was just me. As much as women want men to share, many men struggle with sharing because when they’ve tried to open up in the past, it led to a fight or what’s shared has been used against him in the future. The problem is a woman will say she wants the guy to share his feelings, but when he does, it’s taken personally like it’s a criticism even if it seems innocent. Taking someone’s sharing personally isn’t exclusively a woman thing. A lot of times when a woman tries to share her heart, the guy takes it as criticism… mostly because the words are highly critical and they might be actual criticisms. Overall, women are much more likely to criticize their husbands, which is why they assume the husband is criticising her even if he’s not. From my experience, however, a lot of female “criticism” can simply be translated to “I want to feel like you care about me and you’ll do what you can to help me reduce my stress.” I should note what she’s looking for isn’t to be told what to do or to be asked “What can I do to help?” She needs the guy to give a couple specific options for what he can do to help because it shows he’s put thought into it: “Do you want me to do that job you’ve been nagging at me to do for the last five years or take the kids to their thing tonight instead of going out with my friends?”
Whenever a husband or wife feels criticized, they’ll either shut down or defend themselves through attacking or giving proof why the criticism was wrong – bad choices. Trying to prove criticism wrong only leads to the criticizer defending their original point (often with a louder voice) and not saying “Oh, good point. Thank you for proving I’m an idiot. I love being proven wrong when what I want is to feel loved.” Defending yourself is never a good option in situations like this.
The other reason why men don’t like telling women things is they listen and remember. Even if guys listen we don’t remember. When a guy gets angry we resort to “Screw you,” or as I recently heard an angry dude yelling at another dude, “What’s up, bro?” intermixed with “What’s your F’ing problem?” and “That was my girl!” He sounded very intelligent… yes. Meanwhile, women remember what we say and can use it against us as they analyze us through angry eyes: (wife) “The way you treat me is why your mom calls me instead of you now.” (guy) “What? Well… uh… uh… screw you!” Ultimately, we should never reach a point of anger when we want to yell, “Screw you,” because that’s a sign a time out should’ve been called much earlier. I should not that we’re more than welcome to analyze someone when we’re angry, but we should never share it – that’s mean. If you wouldn’t say something when you’re calm, you shouldn’t be saying when you’re angry even if you “feel” like it. In conflict our focus should be on the goal for our conversation and pursuing it. To be clear, hurting someone should never be our goal. I know women can be drawn to this when they’re hurt: “I’m hurt, so I’ll make sure you hurt, too,” whereas a guy is more likely “I’m hurt, so I’ll try to scare you to back off and leave me alone.” Ultimately, our primary goal should be trying to help the person sharing feel loved and then get out any hurt feelings privately… a very difficult goal.
Differences aside, we all need to learn how to share. (I can imagine wives cheering at this point.) I’ve had many clients share something and then add, “When I say that out loud, it sounds pretty crazy.” (me) “Yup.” In our heads we can be drawn to untruths and create other negative ideas that can escalate the situation as we spiral. Being in our heads can also leave us feeling bottled up and push us to wanting to shut our brain off by drinking or other unhealthy choices.
As important as talking is we need to make sure we’re not talking too much or to the wrong person. (I can imagine the wives are now confused – too much? The wrong person?) Here’s the number one rule people should follow for sharing: Never talk to the person you’re angry at unless you can summarize your point in one sentence. This rule definitely doesn’t make women happy – one sentence? Yup. If you can’t share your point in one sentence, you’re not ready to address the problem with the person. There’s too much emotion at play and you need to share it with someone else who won’t take it personally. Generally speaking, if you want to talk about a problem you have with someone, there’s a good chance you’re not ready to talk about it with them because your anger is pushing you to want to talk.
My second rule is: We should never start a conversation by saying “We need to talk.” And now many wives are now just angry at me: (woman) “But that’s what I do! Are you criticizing me?” (me) “No.” (woman) “Then what do I do when he won’t talk?” (me) “Stop trying to have a conversation with him when you’re too emotional to listen without taking it personally.” Men typically hide from women when they want to talk after a fight because we can’t keep up with them. They say a lot of words and we get confused. They throw examples at us and we can’t follow the logic or we don’t agree with the details and start nitpicking at them. Talking when both people are emotional will only restart the fight and the guy is left thinking, “This is why I avoid talking to you!” Instead of starting with “We need to talk,” we should start with “Can I ask a question,” “Can I make a request?” or “I’m guessing you felt hurt when (fill in the blank). I’m sorry for that.” We shouldn’t have a “conversation.” It should be less than five minutes for a check in that ideally helps both people feel like they matter. Talking is great, but we should be bonding with our partners over issues other people cause and not trying to bond through the issues we cause each other.
Now that I’ve upset the women, it’s time I upset the guys with my third rule: Even if we want to process things in our head, we need to push ourselves to talk and/or write some things down. We can do some processing in our heads. I do this when I’m jogging as I find the silence allows my subconscious to bring anything up I need to address. At the same time I still need to talk with trusted people who help me process and keep me accountable. Most guys are drawn to talking to girls because it feels safer since they’re less likely to try to fix our problems and offer sympathy. It might also connect to how guys grew up talking more with their mom than their dad. My wife is an excellent person to talk to… when it’s not about her (like a normal person). Fortunately, I also have my mom, sister, and a jogging buddy who are good listeners. These connections are vital in preventing me from seeking conversations with other women who can put me on a path to an emotional affair – a path I’ve seen happen many times as a therapist. Going to a person of the opposite gender to share your heart is a very dangerous move… unless you’re gay; then it’s encouraged. Ideally when we talk with someone else, we can end up being able to summarize our point in one sentence and/or it will help us figure out how to best address the situation with a question, a request, or an apology.
If you want to improve your marriage, learn how to share properly – not too much or too little.
This week may you consider how proper talking can help you be a better communicator.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)