Last week when I was at Marineland with my family for the fifth time this year (my two daughters are obsessed with the dolphins, belugas, and penguins), I was pushing my two year old in a plastic car and accidentally bumped into the person’s heals in front of me. My knee-jerk reaction was to apologize while bracing to get yelled at for being careless. But… I was never yelled at. There wasn’t even any anger; there was grace… it was weird. Now, I should point out that I have a wife who is very reactive and sensitive to pain (my theory is not playing sports growing up didn’t allow her the opportunity to develop a thicker skin). Combine those two facts and her knee-jerk reaction when something a car hits her heals and her response is very emotion filled. I’ve learned to accept her very passion driven reactions (it took many years) because she’s very in the moment (a symptom of ADD) and she’s very quick to be self protective (growing up with a sister added to that). I sometimes have to remind myself this is who she is and not take it personally while also recognizing these are the same features that help her be amazing at showing love to people and being fantastic at opening gifts while my lack of emotion is terrible for that. We balance each other. This kind of rationalizing took years for me to develop as I used to take her reactions very personally and it caused a lot of hurt – hurt she didn’t mean to cause. The best part of this is it’s taught me to be more understanding of different people’s reactions, which helps me be a better person (and therapist). The downside is I’m now trained to expect to be yelled at when I do something wrong (maybe you’re familiar with this). I’m very lucky because my wife’s reactions aren’t meant to be personal. Other people aren’t that lucky. It’s less passion and more explosive resentment. I’ve worked with a lot of couples where the response from one or both people was venomous. There was no sense of love. There was no kindness while there was intent to hurt like they were trying to even the playing field. It’s like many people have forgotten the importance of gentleness.
So what was this person’s reaction? As I was apologizing to them, they were apologizing to me for being too slow and being in my way. Do you know how refreshing that was? It was amazing. To apologize at the same time as someone else is the ideal situation because you’re both taking responsibility for what happened. It feels equal. It feels safe. If only one person apologizes, it feels like “That’s right; you should apologize. You owe me because I’m a better person.” But this person was a perfect role model of gentleness. And who was that person? My mom. Yes, there’s a reason I’m a mama’s boy. She’s a very kind and gentle person, and the world would be a much place if we could all learn to be gentle like her. Especially post Covid where stores have signs stating, “Abusive behavior won’t be tolerated,” and radio programs like Funny 820 have started using a disclaimer that humor is subjective, people have become increasingly intolerant and mean. Every person I’ve talked to in customer service has agreed there’s been an increasing number of demanding and condescending customers/clients. People used to reserve that kind of negative behavior for their families while putting on a good front in public, but that’s changed. I would also argue there’s an increasing number of people with social anxiety and those who are shutting down and/or finding ways to hide, which would make sense when there’s an increasing number of meanness happening.
I will acknowledge that wanting to yell or be mean to someone who is yelling or mean to us makes complete sense. For one, people are mirrors. If I’m rude to you, you’ll likely be rude back. If I’m nice to you, you’re more likely to be nice back. If I’m nice (or tell myself I am) and the other person is rude, that feels wrong. It feels unfair, and our brains are drawn to fairness. This is where the problem begins: If someone is mean to us, they might be interpreting our behavior as mean to them, which is why they’re being mean; if we become mean (or meaner), they’re going to amp up they’re meanness in return because in their head, we started it while in our head, they did. It then becomes a Ukraine and Russia battle – how does Russia stop the attack and go home without looking weak, stupid, or a failure? At one point, the war is simply Russia not wanting to feel like they look bad, so they’ll keep fighting even when it doesn’t make any sense. What happens on big scales like this is what happens on the small scales like in our own personal lives. When you’re in a conflict, how do you just end it? At the same time, if you don’t end it, how can you heal? It’s quite the sticky situation.
Sometimes people are mean to us because they interpret us as mean, but sometimes they’re mean because they’re having a really bad moment and they need someone to be gracious. For instance, when people are hungry, tired, or anxious, they do stupid things. In scuba diving lessons (a skill I can’t use because I discovered my ears don’t like being more than five feet underwater) they teach you should only try to help someone struggling to swim from behind because if you’re in front, in their panic, they might hurt or drown you. Like anger, fear makes us stupid and we do things we’d normally never do. This idea connects to my lesson earlier in the year where I said you should treat people like a baby: When someone is upset, ask yourself, “Are they hungry, tired, uncomfortable, need a distraction, or need a hug?” We are all capable of being terrible people when we’re not at our best, which means we need to be patient with others when they’re not at their best. For the most part, when people act out, they need to feel safe and loved, which definitely doesn’t happen if we get mean.
Other times people are mean because they’re simply bad people. If that’s the case, don’t take their behavior personally – they’re bad. And even if they need help, if they don’t want it, let them suffer. You can only help people who are willing to accept it, so focus on those who appreciate it. As a therapist, it’d be crazy for me to spend all my time begging people who don’t want therapy to talk to me while I ignored those actually wanting to see me. Sometimes the most loving thing is to let someone fall on their face, so they’ll learn to appreciate when people are willing to help. Either way, I’ve learned it’s important to focus on helping good people instead of burning myself out trying to help everyone.
So what do we do if we want to be a good person? I’ve recently had this proverb stuck in my head: “A gentle answer deflects anger,/ but harsh words make tempers flare.” (Pro 15:1, NLT). The next verse is interesting: “The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing,/ but the mouth of a fool belches out foolishness.” (Pro 15:2) I don’t know why Fox news comes to mind when I read that last part.
This verse is such a brilliant idea from a book written between the tenth and sixth century BCE, yet here we are thousands of years later still struggling with this basic concept. We might have smart phones, but we still live as dumb people.
So what does it mean to have a gentle word?
- Sometimes a simple, “I’m sorry,” is all that’s needed. Even if you don’t want to say it, it’s better to say “I’m sorry” and wait until later to address the problem because the other person is not in the right frame of mind to listen. Of course, saying sorry needs to be said with gentleness to it and not with attitude because “I’m sorry,” can sound like “Screw you.”
- Sometimes we need to affirm the person, “Yes, that sounds like a really difficult situation,” and “I agree with you; this is very unfair for you,” which follows the idea of “Yes and” like I often teach. If you want the person to care about what you say, make them feel heard before making your own point. You have to listen if you want others to listen to you.
- Sometimes silence is the best response, especially because sometimes it gives the person space to keep talking without feeling interrupted. Of course, if this is your choice, make sure you’re nodding to show you’re listening and agreeing with what they’re saying or you’ll look rude and uncaring. If your silence is more of a hiding move, this becomes a risky choice because it can lead to the person talking more, louder, and/or meaner as they want to feel cared about while leaving you with growing resentment.
- If the person is directly angry at you, call a time out with a time for when you will continue talking about this like five minutes or half an hour, and then getting out of there before the situation escalates any further and things are said out of emotion instead of truth. When tempers rise, bite your tongue in the moment and vent out your feelings privately, so you can flush out the emotions and process what you actually want to say in one sentence that can be turned into a question. We need to learn how to ask nice questions because a statement, even in the nicest tone, feels condescending to the receiver. If you can’t come up with a good question, at least throw in a “Have you thought about…” in front of your statement to lower the condescending feel. We need to give people “food for thought” and not shove our opinions down their throat.
This week may you consider what it means to offer a gentle word in order to reduce conflict.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)