When I was a kid, I loved the movie Ernest Saves Christmas (it’s crazy what we think is cool as kids). The one thing that stuck with me is the one character had a kids’ TV show with the catchphrase, “They never get old. They always stay new. Those three little words ‘Please’ and “Thank you.’” Maybe it’s my age, but it really seems like those three words have vanished from a lot of people’s vocabularies, especially post pandemic. Even a little wave when you do something nice while driving seems to be reduced. It’s so simple – lift up your hand… with all your fingers (the number of fingers makes a difference). When I was a child, my parents drilled manners into my head. All the kids I played with growing up, their parents drilled manners into their heads. We were all polite, and it felt pretty natural. Now? I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s a grownup thing. Maybe people think becoming an adult means they don’t have to be polite anymore since they no longer have a parent there to correct them. Maybe it’s a sign people are so busy and stuck in their heads they don’t think to be polite. Saying “thank you” and showing appreciation, however, are incredibly important for being a good person, and it’s so simple… or maybe that’s the problem; we like answers that are more complicated.
Here’s a question: What’s more important, people thinking you look beautiful or that you’re friendly? Based on the money our culture spends on appearance and how manners are disappearing, our priorities seem pretty clear; we’d rather people see us as beautiful. And then we wonder why we have so many issues of depression and workaholism – we have wrong priorities.
The biggest instance of not being appreciated for me is connected to one of my coolest God experiences (as strange as that may sound). In the fall of 2019, when life was still normal, my 2009 Honda Civic reached 200k on the odometer, the AC was going to be $3000 to fix, and the paint on the roof was receding like a bald man (for some reason 2009 and 2010 Hondas are terrible for that). On top of this, my wife was expecting our second daughter and a Civic isn’t the best family car for two little kids, especially without AC on hot days. I was very torn on what I should do: Do I suck it up and drive it until it dies or do I get something bigger? I hate buying and selling vehicles. Actually, I hate buying. I had never tried selling because being a people pleaser and someone who hates conflict, I’m a terrible salesman… for my side; buyers love me: “So I’ll pay you to take this; that seems fair.” Out of curiosity, I looked up options and I found a 2012 Ford Fusion with low kilometers for an amazing price. It was a private sale and it was being sold because the owner needed a car with a backup camera. The interior was pristine, but there was some damage to the front and rear bumper he was up front about that was likely why the car wasn’t selling. I really liked the car, but I changed my mind on buying the car four times in a couple days because of my fear of selling my own car. Instead, I did the “healthy” thing of burying my head and hoped it’d fix itself. Ignoring the problem was going very well until… the following Sunday at church. I had been steadily going to this church for about four months, and had visited off and on for twenty years because life hadn’t allowed a commitment until then. The youth pastor at the time was the pastor’s daughter, which means I’ve known her just as long. Despite this fact, I hadn’t talked to her since joining the church because she was maybe in the service once in those four months.
While sitting in church that one Sunday, I had the “tap.” The tap is this feeling that you need to do something. It’s like a gut instinct but stronger and often more defined. The tap told me to talk to the youth pastor, which was strange because she was never there… but then I saw her. After the service, like a “good” Christian, I avoided being anywhere near her (I’m not very obedient) until my wife was ready to leave and then I felt this pressure I couldn’t fight anymore. I told myself I would just say hi because it’d been years and it’s the polite thing to do. When I asked how she was doing, she said how desperate she was to get a new car because hers was so rusted it was dangerous to be driving, especially with youth kids. Later, when I told my wife that I owed an amount in tithes similar to the value of the car she agreed that we should donate it to the youth pastor and buy the Fusion. It was a win-win-win-win-win since the youth pastor was going to have a safe and reliable car (that’s kind of important), it would be my tithe (I was going to be giving something anyway), I got a car with the most beautiful interior at an amazing price (it was very fancy), we all got an incredible story (it’s pretty cool to think God would answer two prayers like this), and most importantly, I didn’t have to go through the hassle of selling my car (thank goodness).
The next day I contacted the church, and they had the youth pastor call me (people rarely respond to me, so that was a miracle in itself). I told her I had a car I didn’t need. She asked what kind and I told her it was a Civic. She said that was exactly the kind of car she wanted (that was pretty cool). She asked how much I was selling it for. I paused (I’m a drama queen) and then said free. There was silence on the other end for a few seconds (that was a cool moment). She double checked she heard that right and I told her it was hers because God told me to do it as my tithe, so it was God’s gift to her. She seemed pretty astounded – as she should have been. Of course, the government doesn’t believe in generosity (or there were too many scammers to allow for it), so she ended up having to pay $1200 in tax, but that’s a sign of how valuable the car was.
That following Sunday the pastor, her dad, ran up to me and gave me the biggest hug and said thank you in a very genuine way. The youth pastor… wasn’t to be seen. That was fine. I ended up emailing her later that day to say I forgot I had winter tires and rims for the car she could have – another huge savings for her. She didn’t seem that impressed. That was fine; it was email, and email’s not the best for conveying feelings (for some people). What was strange was when I dropped off the tires at her house (for some reason I had to drop them off), she told me to put them at the side of the house and that was about the extent of our conversation before she closed the door. I was giving her tires and dropping them off, and she acted like she was doing me the favor. That was… not fine. It was very strange. What’s even stranger is I was so proud to be able to do this for her I thanked God a bunch of times to be part of something so amazing. I seemed more appreciative than her, and my main thing was not having to go through the pain of selling my car – she got the much better deal in this exchange.
If you’re wondering, besides the initial phone call, she never said thank you. She never gave me a card or a note that said thank you. Her fiancé, who was a youth pastor at a different church, picked up the car for her and he never said thank you. Over the next few months before the pandemic, I saw her a handful of times and she only said hi once to me and that was after I said hi first. Now here’s the thing: I don’t need a thank you to feel good, but I do need a thank you if you want me to do anything for you again. It also tells me you’re not a very thoughtful person with good actions, and those two things need to go together for thoughtfulness to be of any value – actions prove there was thoughtfulness. Maybe she intended to say thank you or send a note. Maybe she was embarrassed and afraid to even say hi to me, but fear is not an excuse for avoiding doing something we should do. Meanwhile, her dad, the pastor who gave me the big hug, I’d be willing to do anything for him now. If you can appreciate me, I’m happy to help you in any way I can. I like to help people, but I’m going to spend what I have helping people who value it. A generous spirit needs to be met with a grateful heart or there’s going to be problems in the future. We need this boundary because unappreciative people drain the pool of good intentions.
What’s extra cool about this experience for me is when I was a teenager I was visiting a church in Chicago that had 20k members, and it was mentioned that people in the church had given cars to those in need. I thought that was the greatest thing in the world when I heard it, so to be able to have done that myself is an incredible gift from God. Sure, it was my tithe and it benefited me, but it’s still pretty remarkable to have this experience.
Now, I know there are some people who will read this and question, “Was it really God? How can you be sure?” I have my reasons, but they won’t be good enough to satisfy anyone else. What I will say (like to the five couples this year who are so against God they didn’t hire me to be their wedding officiant because I told them I do a prayer in the ceremony – something I’ve never had happen until this year) my discouragement with humanity means I need to believe in God or I would just give up. I need a greater purpose, and I don’t see this without God… or maybe I’m just a grumpy pants who’s missing something.
This week may you consider the importance of saying thank you and how it can make the world a better place.
Rev Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)