Last week we looked at how I have a negative brain, what that means, and how best to handle it. It could’ve been better… I mean it had some good moments. (Good save.) There’s nothing quite like real life experience to teach you helpful lessons. Personally, I’d rather learn real life experience teach me what it’s like to win the lottery. This week we’re going to look at the opposite – yea. Positive minded people are amazing… if they’re not annoying about it. Ever meet someone who was overly positive when you felt like garbage? Yea, you want to garbage them up. This isn’t a necessarily mean response (unless you act mean to them). It’s most likely wanting them to better understand how you feel; we just need to find a nice way to convey that rather than something like “I need to hurt you, so you’ll better understand me! Where’s a frying pan?” If someone is too positive with a negative person, they’re not reading their audience. You might be positive, but you still need to have social skills. It’s like a negative person feeling negative walking in a store with a greeter and growling at them. No matter how we feel, sometimes we need to muzzle our mood for the other person’s sake and fake pleasantries. That being said, sometimes it’s funny seeing an overly positive person with a grouch. Years ago when my very non-cheerful, non-morning person sister was at home, my cheerful, morning person mom greeting her was comedy gold (at least to me). The clash was their thing and it had an underlying enjoyment to it, which was something everyone else enjoyed as well.
When it comes to positivity, I just have to look to my mother-in-law. She is off the charts positive… yea, I don’t get it. Early in my dating days with my wife, I was in a van with my wife’s family including her grandparents. My mother-in-law was driving – why? I have no idea. Her dad was in the passenger seat yelling at her for something about her driving while her husband was behind her yelling at her for something else. While they yelled at her, my mother-in-law was saying, “Look at those trees. Aren’t they beautiful? And that sky? Wow, it is looking so good today. This is going to be a great day.” It was like she didn’t hear them. That moment stuck with me because I would’ve crumbled if I was the one being yelled at, but she was unfazed. Years later, I asked her about it and she said that was just how they talked – that’s a very positive spin. To me, if you act like jerk, there’s a good chance you’re a jerk and need to make some changes. I’m still not sure which path better – accept who the person is versus pushing for improvements.
My mother-in-law’s (very confusing) positive spirit can be very helpful. When my oldest was three, my mother-in-law entertained her with a bowl of water, a spoon, and 3 rocks for twenty five minutes until dinner was ready. When she brought her ensemble of “goodies” out my negative brain was like “This is stupid,” and then I was proven very wrong. My daughter was enthralled with this super lame, “Look at the rock change colour when I add water” game. My mother-in-law’s positivity helped my daughter be glued to every word. In general, my mother-in-law is incredible with toddlers, old people, and people with mental disabilities. She is the queen of small talk. She’ll talk for hours about nothing with such positivity they love it. Of course, my negative brain can flip this gift to a negative (or to reality depending on your perspective): Being good at small talk means she avoids serious conversations. My brain is good at being a downer, but it’s not necessarily wrong.
There are two very strong dangers for positive people. First is they can be taken advantaged of and even be scammed because there’s a gullibility that naturally comes out of being positive: “I’m sure I can trust them?” Nope. “I’m sure it’ll work out.” Nope, again. This leads to the second danger: positive people can crash hard into a negative stupor because they were too positive to consider the risks. I once read that being overly positive was almost as dangerous as being overly negative. In fact, what can be surprising is overly positive people are more likely to need depression or anxiety medication than partially negative people. The crash effect and being taken advantage of can be that painful. Thus, where I need to be continually asking myself, “Okay, I know the negative, but what’s good about this?” positive people need to protect themselves by asking, “Okay, I know this will be great, but what are some risks?”
What’s interesting is I might be a negative brained person, but I can crash like a positive person – I get both worlds. Am I a positive person? Nope. You can trust me on that (and hopefully everything else I’ve written). What changes things for me are two very strong influences: I’m a dreamer (I come up with some crazy ideas) and I’m an inferior brained person (as discussed in previous lessons). So what is a dreamer? Before COVID it was easier to reach celebrity representatives… yup, I went big. Over a span of five years, I spent many hours looking up contacts and calling agents of celebrities with different angles. I asked agents of top celebrities like Dwayne Johnson about doing a biography. They weren’t interested. Fun fact, several years later, he came out with one. I tried asking agents of medium level celebrities like Matthew Perry about doing a biography. They weren’t interested. Fun fact, several years later, he came out with one. I went to New York and met with Zachary Levi to ask about doing a book on kindness (as discussed in a previous lesson). Several years later, he came out with a book on kindness. I even tried asking about using a celebrity’s dog for the cover of one of my books. They weren’t interested… and this time none of them came out with a book (at least not yet). Realistically, anyone having said yes to my requests would’ve been the same odds as winning the lottery, but being a dreamer, I had to convince myself it was worth asking. I should admit that actually calling was really hard because it felt better having the hope of them saying yes then to face the reality of them saying no. I knew the odds were against me, but it was still disappointing to have the dream shot down. That being said, the worst thing for a dreamer is not having a dream. That’s brutal. When all your dreams have been shot down and there isn’t something new to replace them, it’s like the crash of a positive person.
Being an inferior brained person (i.e. I need to earn it) also makes me like a positive person insofar that I’ll be like “I can’t do this, but I’m sure everyone else can.” Nope. I give way too much credit to others. With construction stuff I regularly think, “I can’t do this, but the worker can.” Nope. Most times I don’t think it’s possible because it’s not, but my inferior brain wants to assume it’s just me. This dynamic naturally sets me up like a positive person: “I can trust you.” Nope, and now I’ve crashed.
My wife, on the other hand, is more of a superior brained person (i.e. I deserve it), but throw in some negative brain thinking and she isn’t nearly as blindly trusting of others as I am. On our honeymoon we got lost in a Mexico airport. Not the best airport to be lost in. I asked for directions from several people (I assumed they were smarter than me). Nope. The last person tried taking us off the property to talk to some locals and I was like “I’m sure it’s safe,” but my wife was like “Never mind. We’ll figure it out.” She made the better choice. We were actually five feet away from the person who was supposed to shuttle us to the hotel. At the same time, my wife’s negative brain (it’s not as bad as mine) can make her very hard on herself and second guess everything she says and does. My guess is my wife’s negative thinking is influenced by years of seeing her mom’s blind optimism: “This will be great!” (wife) “No, Mom, it’s a terrible idea… and you just proved me right.” Fortunately, her experience helps me be safer… at least in a Mexico airport when we’re lost.
This week may you consider what it means to be a positive person versus a dreamer and/or inferior brained person and how to protect yourself.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)