The Thrown of Manliness

I am a fan of the urinal.  I love walking into a public washroom and seeing one there… largely because if there isn’t one, I know I’m in the wrong bathroom.  That’s a horrible feeling: “Where’s the urinal? Oh no, not again.”  My favourite thing about using a reverse fountain is it makes me feel manly, especially if there’s ice in it: “I will melt all of you (add maniacal laugh).”  And if no one’s around, I dance like no one’s watching… because no one’s watching… my apologies to the janitorial staff; dancing doesn’t add to the aiming.

This summer I learned a very important lesson.  I was standing at my throne of privilege preparing myself to go (when people are beside me I suffer from performance anxiety and need to prep myself… I hope that isn’t too personal, but guy’s know what I mean).  Suddenly, my routine was interrupted at step three because I felt little splashes of warm liquid christen the top of my foot.  I thought to myself: “That’s odd… and disconcerting.”  The fact that I said it’s summer is important because I was wearing sandals, thereby leaving my feet susceptible to the elements.  Thus, the question begged: what is the element that has been bestowed upon my foot?  I’m indoors so it’s not rain.  There wasn’t condensation on the urinal, so it wasn’t a drip. There weren’t any random dogs shaking themselves dry, so… if it’s not water hitting my foot, this leaves only three possibilities; all of which are bodily fluids… not so pleasant a thought.  I did the checks. I wasn’t salivating to the point of drooling. I wasn’t sweating to the point of dripping.  Therefore, the only bodily fluid left was… you know… but here’s the problem: I hadn’t started going yet.  So if I’m not drooling, sweating, or going… but wait, there’s a guy beside me.  I slowly turned my head and looked at my likely baptizer.  I did the checks.  No, he’s not drooling – although I’m not sure I want the guy beside me in this situation drooling, especially if he adds: “You look good;” those words definitely wouldn’t help my performance anxiety.  I then checked his sweat situation.  I gave him a general up-down, which I don’t think he appreciated.  There wasn’t any perspiration; anger yes, but not perspiration.  I double checked to see if there was a wet dog… nope, so yup, he peed on me.  My once glorious experience of using a urinal is now forever tainted with a strange man’s minimal golden shower.

Being peed on is not a desirable experience. I don’t recommend it for anyone’s Bucket List, but I did learn several valuable lessons.

1. I shouldn’t wear sandals at a urinal; a stall is a much better choice in this situation
2. Don’t give a strange dude an up-down look at the urinal, and definitely don’t pause at any one particular spot if you do
3. Don’t say I think this is yours and then wipe your foot on the guy, especially if he’s at a urinal

Romans 8:28 says that “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”  This is a pretty bold statement: everything works out for people who love God?  Here’s the thing: this is true, but it’s not automatic.  It’s about your mindset.  Thus, things can work out for people who don’t love God as well.  It’s about having a higher standard of thinking, which is what Christians are meant strive towards.  One way things work together is by us learning from our experiences.  Whether something is desirable or not, we can learn from it.  This means when we’re able to think: “No matter what happens, I can learn something,” we become less afraid to try things because there is a reward.  Thus, we gain confidence and are better at trying more new things, which continues to grow our wisdom.  Ultimately, the most important lesson we can learn is how to love better.  This experience taught me how to love better, or at least that it is easier to love someone when they’re not doing an impression of a broken sprinkler.  Also, like when someone accidentally spits on you when they’re talking, it’s best to ignore it and to not do it back to them… retaliation is not a wise choice, especially if the guy’s bigger and stronger, or a ninja… this guy was all three or that’s what I’ll say because I didn’t stand a chance.