Both my wife and I come from families who are prone to be nice-oholics, but they look very different. My wife’s side is very ADD based while mine is very Mary Poppins. What does that mean? Two very different experiences. For instance, my family is very good at looking at a clock, reading a clock, and caring what the clock says. My wife’s family couldn’t care less about clocks, what they say, or what it means. When I first started dating my wife it was… um… different; very different: (me) “You know your clocks have the wrong time, right?” (then girlfriend) “Yeah, but we don’t look at them, so it’s fine.” In general, people with ADD tend to be very in the moment, reactive, expressive, and never want the party to end while my side is like “What’s a party?” Both sides have their benefits and drawbacks, so let’s consider how different these family experiences look like based on this past Christmas.
The one nice thing I should point out about people with ADD is, like men, they can be trained to have a routine. When I first started dating my wife I’d be asking up until the week of Christmas about their plan and they wouldn’t know. 18 years later, we have a good rhythm… minus my sister-in-law who had to miss half of it because she still didn’t remember this year’s plan, which has been the same for the last ten years. She’s the most ADD in the family, but you probably could’ve guessed that by this example. Before either of our families had kids, she’d be wrapping presents while the rest of us were sitting down for Christmas lunch that was an hour late to start. ADD can be fun.
Let’s begin by looking at my mom’s Christmas dinner. The dinner was for 5pm, so my wife made sure we were there for 5:10pm. That’s about as good as it gets for her being on time for an event. My mom had the house perfectly decorated since mid November. She follows the rule of waiting until after Remembrance Day and it’d all be down before New Year’s in order to start the year all cleaned up. The food would’ve been ready for 5pm, but my mom’s learned it’s best not to do the finishing touches until my family arrives because we’re a wild card (and not because of me). The food was put out on a dining room table set up with the good china where we all sat down, prayed, and then passed the food around in a clockwise rotation. After dinner was done, we all helped clear the table and prepared for dessert. Like always, I started washing the dishes because I love being around my family, but since my job is very conversation based, I don’t do well sitting and talking. And like always, my mom told me to sit and enjoy the night to which I replied I prefer doing the dishes. She then relented and helped dry. It’s a fun routine we do every family dinner, which she hosts every Sunday night – yeah, we’re pretty spoiled. For dessert she made a new thing I avoided (I don’t do well with experiments), apple crisp (which is amazing), and a plate full of a variety of squares she had made earlier in the month and had in the freezer to make life easier for dinner preparations. All of the adults expressed appreciation to my mom, and relished in how this was the first time in nine Christmases where the kids were old enough to play on their own in the basement away from us – it was extra special. Having kids is a blessing… but kid-free time is the best!!!! Am I too excited about that?
The end of the night was 7:30pm, and we all left in a very orderly fashion with everyone at the door to say goodbye to each other. There was no fighting or anyone complaining that we were leaving because it’s what always happens. I didn’t even have to tell my kids we were leaving because my brother had told his kids it was time to go and mine knew we always leave right after. Everything was organized and structured. It was very good on my nerves.
Now let’s consider what the night before looked like when we went to my mother-in-law’s for our Christmas Eve dinner. I should point out I really like my in-law side that consists of my mother-in-law, her brother, and my sister-in-law and her family, so I’m just pointing out the reality and not complaining about them. I know what I married into and I accepted it a long time ago.
Originally we were all supposed to meet at church for the 4pm Christmas Eve service. This is my favourite part of Christmas, so I was pushing hard for my family to be out the door early. We ended up being five minutes late, but there was nothing more I could’ve done to get my wife out the door sooner. I had all three girls in the car waiting as she did a few last minute things that didn’t need to be done – the ADD distraction piece plus being a nice-oholic. Her sister’s family was another 15 minutes after us, but that was honestly pretty good for them. My mother-in-law didn’t make it because she had things she still had to do to get ready. After the service we took our time to talk to people and wish them a Merry Christmas because we were very relaxed about when we showed up. Getting to my mother-in-law’s the Christmas tree was up without decorations because she couldn’t find them, but there was a very happy energy. As everyone settled in, the question was asked do we do dinner or presents first and they choose dinner since my mother-in-law’s brother who lives there had picked up Chinese food earlier to be ready for everyone. It just needed to be heated, so that sounded like a quick plan, buuuutttt it wasn’t. I’m not sure if there was worry about things being done just right or it was not wanting to be rude so the people heating it were talking in the kitchen, but a couple minute job turned out to be 25 minutes and then people were too nice (or distracted) to start the meal so another five minutes later people started to fill their plates and find a place to sit… you know, when the food had a chance to get cold again. I should point out my daughters and I don’t like Chinese food – a small detail. I can make do myself (my eating issue is my issue), but when I put on my shoes and coat to get something for the kids to eat I was assured they’d be fine. 30 minutes later I had my shoes and coat on again because my daughters wouldn’t eat anything like I had assumed. When I returned they had Mr. Bean’s Christmas on, which was given a full commentary because people with ADD can have a hard time not talking. On the plus side, it made the show more enjoyable with the random banter. At some point a few people were like “We need to get dessert started,” and they went to the kitchen. While that was happening (another longer than necessary venture) I pointed out the time and that we needed to start presents now or we’d have to do them another day. At this point my sister-in-law said I just need to finish putting out the ice cream… you know, so it could melt while the kids opened their gifts. It wasn’t long before it was 8:20pm, and I pointed out that we had to leave in 10 minutes. At 8:25pm I pointed out we had to leave in five minutes. At 8:30pm I said we need to go… and no one else cared. I told my girls they were given a few bonus minutes because we were still trying to get my wife and mother-in-law to finish with their gifts. At 8:40pm I pointed out that we really needed to go to get the kids in bed, but gave my girls a few more bonus minutes because there mom still wasn’t ready. At 8:50pm I got my two older girls ready while my wife got the baby ready while talking to other people. My family finally left at 9pm, a half hour after we were supposed to leave, and I don’t think everyone there was even aware we had left.
Do these nights seem different to you? What might not be surprising is my wife and I really love going to my mom’s place. There’s order, there’s organization, and our nerves are fine after. What might surprise you, if given the choice where do you think my six and four year old would rather go? My mother-in-law’s. Sure, they don’t get there as often, but my mother-in-law’s lack of care about structure allows her to be incredibly engaging with them. Where my mom has the perfect presentation, my mother-in-law focuses on the people. Both my mom and mother-in-law have nice-oholic tendencies and are wonderful people, and this Christmas was a strong reminder of how different nice-o-holics can be. I am very blessed to have both these families in my life, but sometimes I need to check myself because there is such a stark difference between them. After all, I can’t expect (or have a right to expect) anyone else to change. I need to embrace each side’s dynamics and be thankful for how they give me a more well- rounded experience.
This week may you consider how being a nice-oholic can lead someone to be very organized and structured or to be very disorganized and engaging.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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