The thong is a symbol of all that is good and evil in this world. Ladies, you need to be careful not to use them for evil but for good. Guys, you need to be careful not to use them… at all. Never. Maybe if it’s some type of joke to gross out your buddies or you’re wearing one to give your girlfriend a reason to leave you, but you need to be okay with being mocked for life… and the next one. The thong can be incredibly sexy or incredibly… not. I’m picturing a half man half Wookie wearing a thong that’s burrowed into a field of hair and cellulite. Why am I picturing this? I really don’t know. New image? Good idea.
The thong is powerful. The other day my girlfriend was on the couch across the room from me keeling over in pain. I thought she was just sleeping, but apparently she doesn’t snore like “oooooohhhhhhh uhhhhnnnnnnn.” When I was done my work I went over to her… remember, I didn’t go over to her sooner because I thought she was asleep so no, I’m not incredibly insensitive… I’m incredibly daft. When I got closer I realized she wasn’t asleep but in pain. I felt bad for her and started to rub her back to comfort her, which is when all compassion fluttered away on wings of stupidity. There, before me, poking out of her pants, I could see her thong. She was in pain groaning and all I could think was “hmmm.” She’s moaning and I’m thinking “Why hello.” Am I insensitive? Yes, but that’s not the point here. The point is thongs have power over men. They make us stupid… more stupid in some cases.
The same thing happens in fights. I remember once being in the middle of a fight and my girlfriend bent over… this sounds more awkward than it should. When we fight we don’t randomly touch our toes or do aerobics: “You’re a jerk and 3 and 4. I can’t believe you and 7 and 8.” Why she bent over I don’t remember now; that’s not what a guy cares about. What I care about is that she bent over and I could see her thong. What were we fighting about? I don’t know. I forgot the instant I saw the red material sticking out of her pants. The sad thing is she has no idea how much power her thong has over me. At the same time, I don’t know if she cares. All she knows is she won the fight and suddenly I was really, really nice to her: “Can I get you anything? Do you want cookies? I’ll bake them for you right now.” Girls in general don’t seem to understand how much power they have over men. I could be fuming and suddenly I see a thong… what’s going on now? It’s as if it has magical powers to overtake my brain. Guys often complain girls aren’t logical enough, but God created balance. Guys generally lean more to the logical side… until there’s a thong. Suddenly we’re as intelligent as a unicorn. But Chad unicorns don’t exist? Exactly and neither does our brain. Hormones erase all indication of a brain, which is the source of a woman’s power. Essentially, thongs have the potential to make women superheroes (or super villains). For instance, a crazed lunatic could be attacking NYC: (crazed lunatic attacking NYC) “Ha ha, I just killed an entire army, and now I the ability to destroy the entire city…” (woman in thong) “Excuse me sir, (bends over) would you mind putting the bomb down?” (Crazed lunatic distracted) “Okay.”
A comedian named Greg Giraldo once said in regards to cleavage: “It’s not a smart bomb. It’s not a laser guided weapon. You might hit your target, but there’s going to be a lot of collateral damage. You might get the guy in the Porsche, but you’re also going to get the guy with one tooth peeing his pants on the bus. You might as well accept it and be happy to have that kind of power over men.” The same goes for a thong. A thong is sexy and will attract attention, but many times you won’t want the attention it gets or at least you shouldn’t want the attention. For instance, a teacher shouldn’t be wearing a thong for the class to see whenever she bends over to talk to a student. Sure, the boys in the class would disagree with me… well, they might not if the thong was residing on 50 year old, jiggly skin that’s discoloured from decades of tanning beds. Sorry, not the nicest image, although in this case some of the boys still wouldn’t mind this; desperation and hormones are a dangerous mix: (boy) “Sure, it’s not ideal, but I’ll take what I can get.” For the record I never said this… well, not those exact words… Ultimately, ladies you need to be aware of your power over men so you can one, avoid getting in trouble attracting the wrong attention and two, know how to impress and seduce your man.
I’ve heard people ask why thongs are more expensive than granny panties when you get so much more material in the latter? This follows the idea of quality over quantity and less is more because there’s so much more power in a thong. You’re paying for the power and there’s a lot. The thing to remember is that with great power comes great responsibility. Women need to be careful how they use this great power because it can be used for great good or terrible bad. The Bible gives warnings against this power with stories like Adam and Eve, Samson and Delilah, David and Bathsheba, Jonah and the whale… wait wrong reference. There are also many Proverbs written about this, “For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword.” (Pro 5:3-4) Unfortunately, this power and teaching has been a major contributor to women being repressed over the centuries, but fortunately with education this has decreased. If anything, in Western society we’ve gone the opposite extreme with women being much more sexually exploited. In the end, the only way to find the balance between repression and exploitation is on the individual level. Each woman needs to find the balance of using her sexual appeal to strengthen her relationship and each man needs to find a sense of self control in order to limit how much power a woman can have over him.
This week may you find better ways to interact with the opposite gender in order to show them proper respect.
Rev. Chad David, Emotional Sex, an emotional tune up