Thoughtful vs. Thoughtless (Pt 7: A Common Problem for Couples)

Which gender do you think is more commonly complained about for being thoughtless? If you said men, (lottery noise) winner, gagnant! I’m sure this isn’t shocking news. After all, consider this conversation. Which person is the male and female?

Person 1: We need to stop at the store on the way to pick something up for the dinner.
Person 2: They told us not to bring anything.
Person 1: So that means we don’t bring food; we bring flowers or chocolates.
Person 2: Why?
Person 1: Because they’re our friends.
Person 2: Yeah, they’re our friends, so why do we need to do anything to earn their love?
Person 1: You just don’t get it.
Person 2: And you like spending money on little things.

What about this conversation?

Person 1: (leaving an event) I feel bad that we didn’t bring cookies for everyone.
Person2: You brought fruit to share.
Person 1: Yeah, but I feel bad because I didn’t do more.
Person2: You did the equivalent of everyone else.
Person 1: But I feel bad because it would’ve been nice to have had cookies.
Person 2: You really love to over think things to feel bad, don’t you.
Person1: You have no idea.

What about this one?

Person 1: How is your friend doing since the funeral?
Person2: Fine.
Person 1: You talked to him?
Person2: Yeah.
Person 1: About how he’s feeling?
Person2: No, why would I do that?
Person 1: Because he lost someone special to him.
Person2: If he needed something, he would’ve asked.
Person 1: You’re supposed to talk to him.
Person2: We talked about the game. His team won, so he was fine.
Person 1: You just don’t get it.

I’m guessing it’s pretty clear who the female and male are. Can you tell I love stereotypes (aka patterns)?

The wonderful thing about women tending to be overly thoughtful and men being not thoughtful enough is we can balance each other out. Women help push men to be more thoughtful (or force them) and men help women relax a little (possibly… there’s a slim chance). That being said, there are two main dangers with this difference. First, the woman is often hurt because she can help her man be thoughtful for others, but she’ll often feel forgotten unless he has a mom or sister reminding him to be thoughtful for his wife. Married men have this easygoing, I don’t need anything mindset that leaves them not considering if others need anything. The worst thing a woman can do is give him permission not to do something for their anniversary or Valentines because he will do exactly as he’s told for this… and do it the rest of his life. Men are pretty basic: “That’s what you want? It’s easy; I’ll do it… forever.” What’s crazy is even though guys can’t remember things on the calendar like someone’s birthday, he’ll remember this offer the rest of his life. We have terrible memories unless it serves us well: “You can’t be angry at me for not buying you a card for our anniversary because you said twenty years ago you didn’t need one. Why would that change? Change is the worst.” It’s like teaching a dog he can lick your plate after you eat – good luck stopping that from happening every time in the future.

The second major risk for this thoughtfulness contrast is women can resent men for not being as thoughtful as them. In general, women tend to have higher standards and rules for cleaning and dressing, and then you throw in this thoughtfulness issue and it’s hard for women not to feel like they’re better than men. This isn’t, however, about one person being better. It’s simply a difference. Married men are generally more relaxed and easygoing. It’s good and bad just like thoughtfulness. If friends come to our house and don’t bring food to share, we don’t care. If a friend brings something because they knew the host wouldn’t have it, we don’t care; we’re not insulted or feel guilt for not having it there already. Women tend to find reasons to feel bad and/or guilt, which connects to them being so thoughtful – they’re trying to avoid ways to feel bad. Guys? We don’t feel bad. Unlike women, we get away with not being thoughtful… unless our wives scold us.

Besides the fact that we need to recognize that men and women are different and try to appreciate our differences as a way to help us grow and be balanced, there is one very important take away from this. Before I say that point, let’s consider why men aren’t very thoughtful. We tend to be easygoing and work with what we have; we tend to be less judgmental (single men tend to be more judgmental than married men as they try to prove themselves to get a partner, but that’ll stop when a partner is found). Even simpler, if a guy is thoughtless, there’s a good chance he’s lazy and/or dumb. Being thoughtful takes work. It means you’re thinking – no thanks. As a married guy, I love to turn my brain off and think about nothing (something women can’t do because of the differences in our brains). Why would I waste good thinking of nothing time to be thoughtful? Yes, I know I sound lazy and dumb, and I’m okay with that. I don’t think many women will argue against this and married men will likely laugh: (married men) “Yeah, I’m totally lazy and dumb. I’m married. Who cares?” This leads to an important take away: Men aren’t manipulators (at least at home).

As a therapist, I keep meeting women who struggle to accept that the husband they’re struggling with isn’t a manipulator. They assume their man plots things against them and is all about head games. Um, let’s check back on the earlier points: Guys are easygoing and tend to be lazy and/or dumb – a description with which they agree. How can their man be those things, yet still be this grand manipulator? That’s the opposite of those traits. Will guys twist the truth or say things in the moment to not get in trouble or to get away with being lazy and/or dumb? Yes, but that’s not grand manipulation.

The reason these women accuse their husbands of being manipulators is because either they’ve been around manipulators (i.e. their female acquaintances) or they’re manipulators themselves. This isn’t to say women are evil; it’s to say our brains are different. Women tend to like control unlike men because control looks a lot like work. Women also spend a lot of brain power on being mean to themselves or how someone else was mean to them and how they should respond. Guys? We soon forget to be angry and/or it’s too much work.

Here’s the main conclusion: If you’re thoughtful, you’re at risk of being a manipulator because your brain is always looking for ways to think. Meanwhile, if you’re lazy and/or dumb, your brain is doing what it can to not think, which means there’s little chance you’re a smart manipulator because it’s too much work. You can be a weasel who tries to get out of work, but you’re not a mastermind. That being said there are always exceptions. Some guys try to be masterminds… but they tend to be pretty bad at it.

The solution? Guys need to try to be more thoughtful (i.e. fight our lazy and/or dumb side) and women need to try to tone down their over thinking or replace it with happy thoughts and ways to be proud of themselves. Women need to see the good in things instead of beating themselves up (or anyone for that matter).

This week may you consider how you can be better at being thoughtful (instead of too much or too little).

Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)