Who cares about cuddling? I do. I care. Why? Because I’m constantly getting in trouble for it. No, I’m not obsessed with it… maybe if there was a friendly polar bear, but that’s different. Who wouldn’t want to hug a polar bear… if there wasn’t a risk of having your face bitten off? I remember as a kid seeing the movie Beethoven and wanting a pet St. Bernard because the dog was like a mini bear. Cuddling with an animal is different though; they’re soft and furry. I’m sure some of you are thinking: “Chad, why not just date a fat, hairy woman?” Because, even if she was soft and furry, she’d have feet like ice packs.
When I first started dating my girlfriend I thought cuddling was okay, but I didn’t crave it… that’s not something I should’ve said to her: (her angry) “You need to love it as much as I do!” This was a stupid fight… That’s another thing I shouldn’t have said: (her angrier) “How can you say that!?! Don’t you love me?” (me confused) “How did you make that jump?” (her ready to cry) “Maybe you should just leave me.” (me) “Maybe you should just use your brain… I mean bran. Maybe you should start using more bran.” Fortunately, I have learned to enjoy cuddling more… and to shut up.
I enjoy cuddling, but I will never enjoy it as much as my girlfriend. She looooovvvvveeesss cuddling, but she’s a very touchy person. She’s always the first to offer a hug to greet and to cheer people up. I remember one night getting to my girlfriend’s house and from the basement she called up: “We’re down here!” When I went downstairs she was sitting on the couch with her mom, which is fine. That’s normal to share a couch with someone; there’s a lot of space there. Even if you and your friend are 500 pounds each you’ll fit comfortably on a couch. A love seat? Maybe not. You’d likely be so tight your rolls would have to meld with each other like fingers locking together in a reverse mitosis sort of mash up (you’re welcome for that image). When I walked around to the front of the couch my girlfriend only had one foot on the floor, which is fine, because she’s likely sitting on it. My girlfriend’s mom also only had one foot on the floor, which is fine, and kind of cute since that meant the two of them were likely sitting the same way. Nope. I was wrong. They only had one foot on the ground because they were exchanging foot rubs. I was thrown off because I had never seen anything like this before. Is that right? Am I allowed to see this or is it like seeing your girlfriend go pee pee? Should I be jealous? Is it sanitary? I’ll be honest, despite all of these thoughts going through my mind my main thought was: “Why couldn’t you be doing this with one of your hot friends… even an average looking friend? Live the fantasy a little.” But no; it was with her mom. There they sat rubbing each other’s feet in their pajamas and clashing bathrobes. My girlfriend is a touchy person, so it makes sense she’d be touchy with her mom, but is this a little too touchy with her mom? I hug my mom good night, but it’s not a long hug: it’s a hug; not a hhhhuuuugggggg.
Now, I’m not turned off by feet, but neither am I turned on… mmm toes; like mini fingers that are basically useless except for running and cracking to gross people out. To me, feet are like boogers. I know you have them and they have a purpose, but I don’t want to touch them or be hit by them. Fortunately, I quickly learned to appreciate that my girlfriend did this with her mom because it spared me another job. Ultimately, there was nothing wrong with what my girlfriend was doing… I made sure she washed her hands after, but there wasn’t anything actually wrong with what she was doing. It was weird to me because it’s not something I’d seen before. She’s not crazy for doing this… she’s crazy for a few other things… and at the same time I’m not crazy for not partaking in body rubbing with my family. It’s just different.
Why does someone like cuddling and someone else not? Is one right and the other wrong? Chemically, cuddling can elicit a hormone called Oxytocin, which is referred to as the cuddle hormone, but there is no specific rule for whether you need to cuddle your partner or not; that’s one of those choices the couple needs to make together. Whatever your preference is you need to consider both yours and your partner’s opinion in order to address both of your needs.
There are, however, reasons why one person is more prone to cuddling or not as demonstrated in the following chart. This is not an exhaustive list, but it gives a good start to understanding why I was not as into cuddling as my girlfriend when we first started dating.
| The Non Cuddler
|
The Cuddler |
| I don’t want to get made fun of or judged | I don’t want to get made fun of or judged |
| My parents didn’t do it so it’s strange to me | My parents did it so it’s normal |
| I resented the kids in school who were touchy because I was single | I want to make others jealous |
| I’m hot and your body heat will make me feel even hotter | I’m cold and want to feel your warmth |
| I don’t want to feel owned | I want others to know we’re both taken |
| If you need to be close with someone there must be something wrong with you | Happy couples are touchy couples; if you’re not touching there’s something wrong |
| I don’t want to look needy or whipped | I want to feel special |
| I like my space and/or it’s not something I’ve ever done so it’s a strange feelings | I want to feel close to you because I care about you and it makes me feel safe |
| It’s scary because I feel vulnerable and it’s a sign that I’ve opened up my heart to you | I want to express the love I have for you and to feel that you trust me enough to be close |
| I don’t feel worthy | I don’t feel worthy without it |
Whatever your preference and whatever your reasoning, a partnership considers both people’s needs; it’s not just about you. As a couple you both need to figure out what you want, why you want it and how you can help each other feel comfortable and loved.
This week may you and your partner better understand your cuddling needs and how to best help each other receive what you both want in order to add to your relationship.
Rev. Chad David, www.emotionalsex.ca