In the last two lessons, we looked at the importance of talking and journaling. Both of these activities fall in the category of venting. Learning to vent in a healthy way is one of the most important things we can learn to do, especially when our world has become so tap driven (e.g. texting and scrolling). In the old days we chopped fire wood, scrubbed clothes on a scrub board, planted gardens we tilled by hand, and we even killed our own food – people were physical (and way tougher than me). In the not-so-distant past we used to slam a phone down after a bad phone call and hit your dog with a rolled up newspaper (if you were a jerk). We used to write with pens and pencils and if we got frustrated, we’d scribble on the page, crinkle it up, and then throw it in the recycling bin. We were physical, so emotion had natural ways of getting out. Based on how our world has changed, we need to purposely find ways to vent and get out our emotions because there’s a lot of bottling up going on, which puts a lot of people on the brink of exploding or shutting down.
As far as venting goes, there are two basic kinds – there’s processing (i.e. talking and journaling) and physical release. Both are important, especially since processing is best done after we’ve had the physical release. When people are verbally fighting, they are essentially venting at each other with a mix of processing and physical release (e.g. raised voice), which is why they say things that are exaggerated by emotion (i.e. social filters have gone on lunch break). Fights are worse than useless because they create a deficit in the relationship since what’s said in those moments tend to be remembered and trump anything nice we say or do later in our right mind. Even worse, the dumb things we say when we’re fighting are used to justify bad behaviors in the future: “If they think (blank), screw them; I’m going to do (blank).” This brings us back to the point in the earlier lessons: We should only talk to someone we’re angry at when we can summarize our point in one sentence, which is best found talking to a safe outside person or journaling. Talking to the person you’re angry at is setting yourself up for failure because they’re not in the proper mindset to listen and hear beyond the words to your intention.
The great thing about the one sentence is you can turn it into a question as a better way to create a constructive dialogue with the other person even if the question is as simple as: “When you said (thing) was that a true statement or just anger coming out?” or “When we were talking, did you get louder as a way to get me to back off or were you getting frustrated because you weren’t feeling understood of was it more to hurt me?” The one sentence also helps us feel more in control. For instance, building my addition has been a disaster. Last week four different construction teams were supposed to show up to do some work on Thursday and zero showed up or called to tell me they couldn’t make it. Since I had already summarized the main reason why this addition has been bothering me so much – it has shattered my trust in people – the disappointment was easier to swallow because it just continued what I already knew – people suck.
Sometimes to be in a position to process our situation down to one sentence we need to first do some physical venting – we need to get some anger out to think better. Other times we need to vent because things have been bottling up without us realizing it. When life keeps throwing crap at us, just like a toilet, we need to flush it away or we’re going to have a bigger mess. Fun story (that transition must be intriguing: “Speaking of needing to flush…”), my family went to Clovermead near London in the summer, which is like a bee farm meets small amusement park. From their engagement, I’d say my three and five year old had more fun there than at Disney World because it’s so hands-on there. Being in the middle of nowhere, however, Clovermeads bathrooms are septic based and not sewer, so they have to be a little creative. At the front of the park they have normal toilets in bathrooms that have glass walls with a beehive on the other side – they were very cool. In the actual park, however, they have these special toilets you have to hold a lever for five seconds for water to come in and then the hole at the bottom of the toilet opens up. They were essentially fancy outhouse toilets. In my five year old’s rush, she jumped on the toilet seat before my wife could put toilet paper over the seat – gross – and then when my wife caught up she said, “Don’t worry, Mommy, I only got a little wet.” Was that a wet toilet seat moment? Maybe. But the bigger issue was the last few people didn’t hold the lever long enough, so instead of the water and fun stuff being sucked down the hole, the toilet was full of the world’s nastiest stew and my daughter was sitting in it – super gross. To add to the fun, the toilet was already full, so when my daughter went potty it just flowed out the sides. This is just like our emotions. If you don’t flush out the emotions once in awhile, you end up with a bigger mess or as my daughter said, you get “a little wet.”
I know a lot of “good” people don’t like the idea of physically getting out their emotion because it sounds primal, but primal is “primal.” It’s something we need. Eating and drinking are primal. If we don’t eat and drink, bad things happen. If we don’t get out our emotion, bad things happen. A lot of young people have sports that naturally help them get out their emotions, which is good because teenagers are extra emotional as their brains are developing. As we get older, however, we don’t have time to play. We’re busy working and/or taking our kids to play. Sometimes working out can help, but even then unless we’re trying to get angry or think about the things that have hurt us, we’re just moving our muscles. We need to think about the crap we’ve been collecting when we’re being physical to help flush it away.
So how do we actually vent? Well, what does your body want to do when it’s angry? Yell, hit, stomp/kick, throw, and smash. You know the things we’re taught not to do as kids? Yup, that’s what we need to start doing. We need to retrain our bodies to get out the emotion in the way it was designed to get it out. Of course, we were taught not to do these things because we can look crazy doing them, which is why we want to learn to do them in private. Yelling on the bus full of people? You’re a nut job. Yelling alone or singing loudly in the car? Healthy. Hitting people or walls? A criminal offence. Punching your bed or punching bag? Healthy and very releasing. Smashing your spouse’s favourite vase? You’re a jerk. Smashing a bunch of junk you’re throwing out anyway? Amazing. Years ago when I worked at the Disney Store (I miss that store), I was given a bin of damaged snow globes and mugs and I was told to smash them in the garbage bin. At first I gently threw each item in, but after a few throws I got really into it. It was the best five minutes of work I’ve ever had (no offence to my clients, but smashing stuff was way better than any conversation I’ve had). This can be replicated with junk bought at a garage sale or “dollar” store and finding a garbage bin to reduce risk of injury and need for cleanup.
This idea of physically getting out our emotion is why some people love to burn things and blow stuff up. Other forms of venting include playing the drums, throwing stuff animals or pillows, shooting a gun, throwing paint or slapping a paint brush on a canvass, baseball hitting, vigorous cleaning, and two handed medicine ball throws on the ground. We can even vent vicariously through people like listening to angry music or an angry comedian like Bill Burr or Christopher Titus. Even a cardio activity like riding a bike can be really good. While you’re doing the activity, you want to think about something that causes emotion and start pedaling extra hard for a couple minutes. I once had a pastor tell me that he got in the habit of breaking sticks because using his hands to break something helped him feel stronger and more in control – be creative. One of the best forms of venting is mime screaming in a mirror. It sounds silly, but it’s oddly therapeutic even though no noise is made. There’s something about seeing yourself angry in a mirror that makes you feel validated: “Yeah, you should be angry!” Physically venting is ultimately an explosion of energy that leaves you feeling lighter after.
Bonus: If anyone suffers from panic attacks, one of the best things you can do when you feel your anxiety rise is physically vent. Your body is going into fight or flight, so do something to get that energy out and feel like you’re in control. Jumping Jacks as fast as you can for one minute or push ups are particularly great for this because after you’ll end up deep breathing naturally.
This week may you consider how you can physically vent to help flush out the crap building up in the toilet of your life – being poetic has never been my strength.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)