Communication is difficult because it can be hard to line up what you’re saying with what people are hearing. Sometimes we say “Circle,” and people hear “Square,” or “Circle, you idiot”; it all depends on how our brain is feeling in the moment. It’s amazing how often words are misinterpreted or misspoken, which is why I encourage people to see words as fairly meaningless. It’s more important to consider what the heart is behind the words: (teenage girl with disdain) “I like your shoes.” The words say compliment, but the intention is insult versus: (child with awe) “Wow, you have a big head.” The words say insult, but it’s actually a compliment. Unfortunately, words (or the lack there of) cause a lot of unnecessary problems. I was recently at a seminar run by a therapist I have liked as a person for a long time. He was teaching a therapy style called Imago – it’s as pretentious as the name suggests. To be fair, it was said you need to be trained in this style for two years before you’re considered qualified to officially use it, so my hour seminar may not have done it justice… or it’s as lame as I thought it was. I assume my friend was trying to share what he had been learning as a way to inspire the rest of us, but it felt like it was being presented as “If you’re not doing this like I am, you’re not a good therapist.” This, of course, could have been a “Circle, you idiot,” moment for me, especially since it sounded like some people really liked it while I find listening to people at my work meetings I regularly hear a lot of blame, criticism, and you need to be better. For instance, during this talk, the speaker claimed he didn’t used to believe in using grounding exercises to start sessions, but now he wouldn’t dare do a session without using them. Guess what I don’t do… ever… even for myself because I don’t like them. Here’s the thing about therapy: The therapist needs to follow their own style just like a good stand-up comedian or musician. This style can change over time and be influenced by others, but trying to be someone else makes you seem phony, amateurish, or in the very least, awkward. The speaker shared how his newer style has had couples ball at the end of the session, which is great… for some people. To me that’s gross. That being said, we need different styles because the world is full of different people. This style is obviously helping some people, but I’ve had many first time clients terrified that therapy is supposed to be super emotional and then they feel better when I reassure them that’s not what’s going to happen with me. In my style I follow the idea that you don’t need pain to feel better just like a good chiropractor doesn’t have to hurt you to help you physically get better. There can be pain/emotion depending on the situation and person, but in my therapy style the experience is more of what you want it to be just like church – some people are super emotional and expressive while some people are like me – dull. Unfortunately, this idea of different styles for different people isn’t what the speaker appeared to be promoting. He was more: This is the way…. and yes, that’s a Mandalorian reference to sound cool.
The one thing I appreciated is there was a list of points given out to help summarize Imago on our table, which helped give me something to better understand the actual idea behind it and not just interpret it off the speaker. Here is a selection from the ten points in the definition of Imago:
- Partners choose each other to get from each other what they did not get from their parents.
- When each partner stretches beyond current defensive character adaptations to give the other what they need, the giving partner begins to grow back into their wholeness and the receiving partner begins to heal from childhood pain of not having the need met.
- When there is conflict, each partner is trying to get the other to grow back into their full potential so that they get their needs met
- The unconscious agenda of both partners is to help them move to the next level by pairing them with someone with whom they will be confronted with their most challenging growth stretch
Summary: Our primary goal becomes to restore our original state of relaxed joyfulness which is where we feel connected.
If you’re like the speaker, you’re thinking, “This is exactly what is happening” whereas if you’re like me, you’re thinking, “What is this crap? Why are you trying so hard to sound smart? Life is not that complicated.” Again, different people want different approaches, so I need to be open to the idea that this “complex” idea is meeting the needs of some people… but no thanks. What do people want? To feel affirmed and cared about – simple. Why did I choose my wife? She was hot and she was willing to date me – simple. Why’d she date me? Because I am an amazing kisser… or maybe that was just the cherry on top of this once delicious sundae… that other girls had no interest in.
When I’m hired to perform a wedding ceremony, I always ask the couple: “What are three reasons why your partner was first attracted to you?” If I were to answer this, I’d point out my wife and I met when she was one of the volunteer leaders and I became the youth pastor at her church. I believe she was attracted to my strength and confidence that comes out when I’m in leadership roles (when I’m not in leadership, I can be a hider). I was also someone who looked like I knew how to have fun and laugh (and not someone who spent hours writing blogs and books on his computer). Probably the most important reason she was attracted to me is leaving a wedding she told me she knew she was interested the minute we were leaving and I threw her female cousin of similar age over my shoulder to carry to the car instead of her. She was essentially attracted to me because I flirted with her cousin and made her jealous. How do you get the hot girl who always has guys hitting on her to notice you? Hit on someone else – thank you Ghosts of Girlfriends past for that lesson – This is the way… to get the hot girl. What drew me to my wife? She was hot, she was incredibly friendly at church, and she knew how to laugh – it’s that simple. Fun fact, the most common answers I’ve heard from couples I’ve asked are smile, eyes, and butt. Yes, the most common answers are physical with funny/laughs, and caring being next in line – simple.
My other question to couples is “Why will you make a good spouse?” Let’s change this to why did my wife marry me? She’s said she wanted a guy who had the qualities to be a good dad – check. She’s said she wanted a guy who could have their own opinion and not be super whipped like some of her past boyfriends – check (although she will still find really annoying when I don’t agree with her). She wanted a good mother-in-law (a brilliant goal) – check times a thousand. She’s also said she wanted someone who could help her grow closer to God because of his own relationship with God – check. (And yes, I know that was four, but I’m showing off that I actually listened and remembered what she’s said…. which is a pretty rare combo for me.) Why did I marry her? She was hot and willing to be with me, she has a good heart, she tries to be good with money, and she was willing to grow as a person. It helped she also doesn’t like tattoos and we have a similar taste in movies, music, plays, and church. Notice how none of those options are about filling some need from my childhood? It’s simple. The most common answers I’ve been given from couples for this question are, “I cook,” (women or men), “I’m organized,” (women) “I’ll support her in the things she wants to do,” (men… obviously).
Bonus: I recommend you answer these two questions: “What are three reasons why your partner was first attracted to you?” “Why will you make a good spouse?” (or why did your spouse marry you?) It’s a great exercise for growing self worth if you can validate yourself.
To add to Imago’s confusion to me is some people are drawn to what they know while others want the opposite. For instance, some young people with terrible families feel uncomfortable dating someone who treats them with respect and/or comes from a great family while others from terrible families want the opposite: “My family is nuts. I need some kindness.” It can go either way. Even further, I find our personality can adapt depending on who we’re around. For instance, I get calmer with an emotional person and I get more emotional with a calm person… so yes, my wife is great at helping me be calm unless the emotion turns into what feels like a weapon and then I have to watch my defensiveness from flaring up. I can also be louder with a quiet person and quiet with a louder person… or I can be burnt out socially from work and it doesn’t matter who I’m with; I’m boring. Maybe I’m just a chameleon, but from my experience this is pretty normal – we adapt. How are we marrying someone who fills some void our parents left?
The biggest problem I see in marriages is women tend to feel overwhelmed trying to do too much whether by choice of because they feel stuck with it; that causes them to be less than their normal kinder selves, and as they get snippier from feeling alone and overburdened, the guy starts to distance himself, which adds to her aloneness and getting snippier. This cycle eventually grows resentment making things worse unless addressed. At the same time, I find guys grow in anger if they’re trying hard to be a good partner, but nothing they do feels like it’s enough or will ever be enough. If every client I’ve shared this with agrees that this sounds like their dynamic as well, people aren’t trying to fill some childhood need; they want to feel understood, affirmed, and loved. They want to feel safe with their partner and if there isn’t a sense of safety, defensiveness grows. It’s not rocket science. How do I know this? I can’t do rocket science, but I can help people have better marriages by helping them process their emotions, make sure they had the right emotion, and then communicate better with their partner for clarification or for making a request for change – it’s simple.
But again, it comes down to different people finding different things helpful. Whether I was “Circle, you’re an idiot,” or hearing the speaker the way he intended to be heard doesn’t matter as long as I can make my own conclusion: I’m fine as I am, and he’s welcome to enjoy Imago. I haven’t been doing anything wrong by being different. The world needs both of us.
Bonus 2: I’ve been doing therapy work for about 17 years and studying it for longer. I’m generally very confident with my style, but I still had a moment of second guessing myself, which can be helpful for people who also struggle with second guessing to hear – you’re not alone. The plus side is second guessing ourselves once in a while can be healthy if we use it to check: Is there something I need to change? No, great I’m fine to continue as is or yes; great then adjust as needed. It doesn’t have to be insulting. It’s just an opportunity to affirm yourself and/or adjust to be even better.
This week may you consider if you’re hearing people with “Circle,” “Square,” or “Circle, you idiot.”
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)