Over the last month I’ve been looking at the idea that some people see life from an “I’m inferior” or “I’m superior” mindset. I also pointed out that in our humanity, we’re all equal because… well, we are. As a Christian, I believe that we are not only God’s creation, we are His children – that’s pretty personal. He created us and we’re His children? I guess that means our flaws are originally from Him. So did God screw up or are our flaws actually a blessing? That’s a fun thought to mess with your head.
Even as a believer I’m not superior as it is written: “Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.” (Eph 2:9). No matter how we look at it, in our humanity, we are all equal. That being said, there is definitely a better way to live. We can be successful or a failure in how we live. Normally when I discuss success I simply point to one of my favourite exercises for being emotionally healthy: What are the five things you want said at your funeral? Ultimately, if you know what you want said as your description, you know how you should live your life: “I want to be known as a jerk… and I’m nailing it.” As this points out, success is a personal definition. For instance, I believe it’s better to be a good person than to put on a good show to look better than I am (no offence to many people online). I also believe it’s better to be a good worker than to have it easy – I’m that weird. My definition of success is clearly different than many others would choose today. This leads to the idea that what we consider successful may be a personal choice, but it can still be very misguided. For example, most people put fame and fortune into the category of success, but considering how many celebrities end up going to AA and/or rehab (or needing to go) that’s clearly misguided.
To better define success, let’s consider a similar scale for success as the inferior and superior mindset:
Inferior Lifestyle (-10)——A Successful Lifestyle (0)——Superior/Selfish Lifestyle (+10)
The Superior/Selfish Lifestyle on this scale has a similar definition as the original scale since it continues the plus side using the “I deserve” mindset. Thus, this category includes people who think they’re better than others because of their money, status, or title. It also includes anyone who is very self indulgent and condescending. Celebrities often land in this category because it’s easy for them to lose their grasp on reality because of the special treatment they’re regularly given (a natural result of people seeing you as something special). It also includes the kid who “works” at Walmart playing on their phone while complaining minimum wage doesn’t pay enough – they “deserve” more.
The Inferior Lifestyle is a little murkier to define. Sure, it includes people who try to “earn” love from others. This includes people trying too hard to impress everyone: “Do you like me now? What if I do this?” Earning love is most commonly seen in people being overly serving and giving until it hurts. Jesus taught that we should serve one another; not be a slave to others who don’t do anything in return. We are supposed to serve one another, which means we need to serve and let others serve us in return – it’s a healthy equality. I’ve discussed the Benjamin Franklin Effect in the past, but it’s a good thing to consider again. This concept teaches we make more friends asking for favors than doing favors. This is the opposite of what we typically think: “I help you, so you’ll like me more.” There is a chance of reciprocity, “I feel obligated to do something in return,” but that is short lived and doesn’t mean the person likes you. It just means they’re a good person who wants to show appreciation. The feeling of reciprocity has a shelf life, which is determined by what was done and the person who received your help. On the other hand, when we simply ask for a favor and the person does it, they end up attaching themselves to us. That means when we serve, we attach ourselves. This ultimately means people being overly serving are not only setting themselves up to be taken for granted, but they are attaching themselves too heavily to those who won’t feel the same in return. When I started as a youth pastor I used to wonder why I liked people more than they liked me and then I learned this idea. As I started asking for help, my relationships started to get more balanced, which also meant I was moving toward the middle of this scale, A Successful Lifestyle. Of course, I still struggle to ask for help, so I’m still on the road to being more in the center, but at least it’s a start.
Being overly serving connects to being overly helpful. By overly helping others we not only live an Inferior Lifestyle, we cause others to live an Inferior Lifestyle as well. We are meant to help others, but at a certain point our help becomes enabling. Enabling means people can continue making bad choices and be further away from the Successful Lifestyle. If people make bad choices, they need to face the repercussions. If I cheat on my wife, I should face the repercussions for it. God doesn’t intervene: (God) “Don’t be upset with my precious baby. He made a small boo-boo and needs a little guidance.” No, God lets us face what we deserve (at least in this life), so we can learn from our mistakes. Facing repercussions means there’s a better chance we’ll move towards a more successful life.
An inferior lifestyle is also simply that: An inferior lifestyle. What’s inferior? I would argue that an inferior lifestyle is filled with any of the seven deadly sins: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth. I may not be Catholic, but it’s a solid list. If we allow these seven things into our lives, it’s going to bring us down. “Sin” isn’t just what upsets God; it’s what hurts us. Why do you think God hates sin so much? He doesn’t want us to be hurt. He’s not “offended.” He wants better for us. He wants us to have a successful life… and not hurt each other so much.
I would go so far to say that anyone who uses a substance every day like pot (unless special medical reasons) is living an Inferior Lifestyle because I’m yet to meet anyone who uses a substance every day who isn’t using it to hide from something. Substances are very appealing because they can help distract and/or keep something buried that we don’t want to face. Unfortunately, burying hurt keeps it there haunting us. The best life, however, is one that has come to acceptance of all the pains and hurts we have experienced and uses them to be stronger and wiser in the future.
This leads to an important question: Is there anything that better defines A Successful Lifestyle? I would argue a more universal definition of A Successful Lifestyle includes finding the healthy balance of tending to the four parts of the person: the body, mind, heart, and soul. This means each area is challenged enough while also being given enough rest. Just like our muscles need to be strained once in awhile to be healthy, so does our brain, heart, and soul. For instance, we are meant to learn new things and face new challenges, meet new people, and connect to the bigger picture through nature. Ultimately, this helps us grow in our ability to love, which means being stronger at being patient, kind, and self controlled. (This topic is further discussed in my book, 52 Lessons to be a Better Person: The perfect gift for someone else.)
Another way to define success is by considering what God considers successful. The one parable that has always stuck with me is in both Matthew and Luke with Luke’s version being pretty harsh (I’ll explain that shortly). In this parable, three servants are put in charge of a leader’s money while he’s away. Each servant is given a different amount of money and when the leader returns, he “called them to give an account of how they had used the money.” (Mat 25:19b) The two given the most money to be responsible for doubled what they were given, and the master was full of praise: “Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together.” (A duplicate verse in Mat 25: 21 & Mat 25:23). The leader, who represents God, rewards his two servants with more responsibilities. Talk about a workaholic’s dream: “I get more work? Sweet?” Our culture, on the other hand, seems to worship relaxing and comfort – oops. After these two happy moments, the third servant confesses to hiding the money in order to keep it safe because he was too afraid of losing it and upsetting the harsh master. The master/God’s response is not gentle: “You wicked and lazy servant…” (See? Not gentle.) “Why didn’t you deposit it in the bank? At least I would’ve gotten some interest on it.” (Mat 25:26b-27) He then gives the money from that servant to the first saying, “To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing even what little thy have will be taken away.” (Mat 25:29) The next line gets harsh: “Now throw this useless servant into outer darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” (Mat 25:30) If you didn’t know, a place with “weeping and gnashing of teeth” is a reference to hell. That’s seriously intense… but Luke’s version is even more intense. The main character in that version is a nobleman who goes off to become king and then returns to a similar sequence. His final words are “And as far as these enemies of mine who didn’t want me to be their king – bring them in and execute them in front of me.” (Luke 19:27) So much for Jesus being a softy.
As you can probably see from this parable, a successful life means investing our abilities into doing good. If we hide our talents and gifts under a bushel, God gets angry. Hiding is selfish – it’s easier for me. God wants us to use our blessings to bless others with the ultimate goal of our love demonstrating our love of God. Thus, we need to recognize our little lights and let them shine. It might feel safe under the bushel, but we need to let our lives shine.
This week may you consider what your talents are and how you can use them in order to have a success life.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)