Many people… meaning me… hate being invited to weddings because the gift giving experience can be very stressful. When I was younger I found I would distance myself from anyone who was getting serious in a relationship because I didn’t want to be invited to a wedding and needing to buy a gift. The fear of what to give was always amplified by the fact I was a student for most of my 20s so I wasn’t flush with money; I was flush with homework, but that’s not a gift people like being given for their wedding… I assume; I never actually gave it: (worst gift giver) “My gift is the gift of learning and being responsible. Here’s an essay I need written by next Wednesday.” What people give at a wedding has been changing over the past 20 years. At one point it had to be a gift, and then it had to be a gift from the registry, and then it had to be gift cards. Fortunately, people are more and more realizing that cash is better for everyone. It’s easier to give and so much better to receive, especially since you can’t put gift cards in the bank… I tried, but the bank didn’t like that. Cash has become the best gift, especially since most couples getting married are already living together with many also having children. The other change is parents of the couple are helping less and less with the wedding (especially if it’s a second wedding) while the expectations of what a bride wants is getting more and more. Fortunately, it’s still possible to be smart with your planning in order to keep the costs down (see my post from 2 weeks ago). Knowing this, what to give is still complicated (especially if you over think it like me) because it changes between cities and cultures (I’m so glad I’m not Italian or Serbian because they go all out on gifts). For instance, on my honeymoon a couple I met said the average gift given was $50/person. I was in shock at how low this was until they said where they’re from it’s normally about $65 a plate. For the Hamilton area where I’m from, the average cost of a wedding seems to be $100-110 a plate with giving around $75-100 per person. That’s not a cheap night for either side. Personally, for a $100 I’d rather see a Broadway play… I mean a Backstreet Boy concert… I mean… no wonder people think I’m gay.
This leads to the most popular rule for wedding gift giving, which is to pay for your plate. This makes sense since weddings are expensive and you want to help the couple out as much you can to avoid debt for getting married. There are, however, 2 downsides to this rule. The first is if a couple decides to have a meal that’s more than a $100 a plate; should you really be matching what they’re spending? I know some venues are easily $110-125 now, especially the closer you get to Toronto, but there is a limit to how much you should HAVE to give for someone else’s choice. Some brides forget the value of choosing “good enough” rather than “the best” and rack up a hefty bill. For instance, if I eat at Subway I buy the $5 meatball sub, and not the $10 chicken to save money, but many others don’t do this. Thus, there is a limit to how much you should HAVE to give to someone who decides to go unnecessarily bigger. The second problem with this rule is what if there isn’t a meal? I heard of someone who had finger foods served by servers rather than a sit down meal at their wedding, so people gave less, but it turned out the venue was about the same price. I guess the lesson here is if you want people to give more at your wedding make sure they’re well fed.
A second less popular rule is if there’s a cash bar you give less because a cash bar “is rude”. I know I swore I’d never have a cash bar, but then when it came down to the actual cost (it would’ve been a 1/3 of our budget), free wine and a cash bar was the only thing we could afford. The Bridal Guide I joined had a list of rules and the one was you had to have an open bar even if that meant having less people, but my wife and I love people more than getting them drunk. We chose to risk being insulting with a cash bar in order to see more of the people we love. After our amazing day I would never do anything different, especially since I don’t think anyone was actually offended or used this rule. Loving faces are more important to me than drunk people saying “I love you,” especially when the parking lot was only a minute walk away.
From my experience as an officiant, every wedding crowd is very different and what people give can be very surprising. I know for my own wedding we were often surprised with how generous some people were. Ultimately, there was no greater feeling of being cared for when we saw that with people’s generosity (combined with our creative cheapness) we were able to walk away without any wedding debt. That was the best gift of all. A close second was a few people we didn’t invite giving us a gift just to show they cared, which is really what a gift should be about; unfortunately, this isn’t so much the case at weddings. Ultimately, the gift should be a way you say you care about the couple, and sometimes the best give you can give is the use of your talents. For instance, if you can do a job at the couple’s house that would cost them a lot to have done doing that as a gift can be the best thing you give… just make sure you do it or book a time to do it before the wedding, so you actually follow through with it. Gift giving shouldn’t be as much stressful as it is a privilege to show you care.
If you’re a bride planning your wedding don’t expect people to give $75-100 like I mentioned earlier because every crowd is different, but what you should expect is that you SHOULD HAVE TO SACRIFICE a few things to save money. Ultimately, since my wedding was covered we can now relish in our memories and thank God and our friends for their provision without grumbling over the VISA bills, which is the best gift of all.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people