Last week I mentioned that my wife and I are in a particularly good spot with each other (that might sound like bragging… because it is). If we looked at a scale of 0 to 10 with 10 being the most trust and safety you can feel with someone (i.e. you can say something a little off, but it’s interpreted as best as possible and mistakes won’t be used against you in the future), I’d say we’re at the top. Of course, I’m well aware this isn’t going to be a permanent status (I need to brag while I can). Where people land on this scale ebbs and flows depending on the season we’re in together, which is highly affected by the season we’re in individually. Right now I’d say we’re the best we’ve been in our 18 years together – bonus. This is as amazing as I thought it’d be since I don’t have to be as filtered (or scared) in my communication with her. I can say a joke and she’ll see it as a joke. I’ve even made unnecessary observations (aka as saying something dumb) and she’s turned it into a joke, which is incredible. Overall, my wife has become very good at lightening a potential mood. I can even be very direct with her and she won’t be defensive – it’s incredibly freeing. After a quick example to demonstrate how I know we’re in a better spot we’ll consider what’s helped us be here.
I recently had a potentially bad moment, and it somehow led to a good result. Last month my wife was hosting two birthday parties for our baby who turned one. Most women will know this can be a crazy time as moms often go overboard putting waaaayyyy too much pressure on themselves to do something special for a baby who will never remember it. My wife and I agreed when we had a third that the baby stuff was on her. Even after three kids, I’m still not a baby guy. My main rolls have been making money and helping with the older girls, which is a pretty normal dynamic. Planning the parties, however, I did have a say… and we’re both glad we did. After my wife told me her plan was to make a full meal for her extended family of 20-30 people and then doing another meal for my family of 10 (a pretty insane plan), she agreed to keep her family to just cake and ice cream (sounded great). Of course, to me, cake and ice cream is cake and ice cream. To my wife, however, cake and ice cream means bowls of chocolates around the house, large bowls of popcorn, a large fruit platter, a large cheese and cracker platter, four types of cookies and squares on a dessert platter, and all kinds of drink options, so by the time cake and ice cream were brought out, no one wanted it. To her, it also meant not allowing others to bring anything because she needed to do everything herself, and then going overboard on the decorations because apparently a party isn’t a party without clutter all over the walls. On top of this, the house had to be spotless. If you’ve seen a house with a six, four, and one year old, that’s not a smart goal. Even if you can somehow get it spotless, it’ll last maybe a minute if you’re lucky. Children are like little Tasmanian devils (written with love). My job on the day of the “cake and ice cream” party was to vacuum and then take the girls out in the afternoon to give my wife a chance to clean the house, but leading up to the party my wife had several meltdowns caused from expecting too much (shocker) and being too hard on herself (even bigger shocker). At one point, after hearing her get unnecessarily upset I snapped and bluntly asked why she was so worried. Her response: “It needs to be perfect for [our baby].” I then directly corrected her: “No, this isn’t for her because you know she won’t remember it. This is for you, and you caring so much about the house and party being perfect is vanity. You’re being too worried about what your family will think of you, which is foolish because they won’t care. They’re very non-judgemental people. Either you need you start enjoying the party preparations because this should be fun or you’re not doing the party anymore.” I told you it was very direct. In my defense… I have none; I snapped and was very direct because I couldn’t suppress my feelings any longer. On the plus side, my voice and tone were firm and not elevated like I was talking down to her. And guess what the result was. If you’re thinking this blew up into a massive fight… you’d be wrong. If you’re thinking my wife blew her top… you’d be wrong. After I said my piece, I stared at my wife waiting for her to lose it on me… but she didn’t. I was very confused. After a moment, I simply walked away and my wife somehow let me. She was strangely quiet and several minutes later when I was doing something else she interrupted to say, “You’re right. I need to start making this fun.” What? Are you kidding me? She actually took my very direct approach and used it to learn? Was that really my wife? Is this some strange alien thing? Nope, this is just what happens when trust and safety is in place between two people… and my wife was at her wits end with the party and my firmness was somehow soothing.
Can you imagine having that kind of moment in your own relationship where neither of you got elevated? I could’ve have until it happened. It took us 18 years. So what has helped us achieve this? Let’s break it down to a few different categories:
Daughters: Over the Christmas holidays we realized my middle daughter is a lot nicer when she’s rested. It’s sad that it took a few months to figure that out, but happy kids make for happier parents. Notice I didn’t write “spoiled kids”. There’s a big difference between happy and spoiled.
Environment: Our disastrous addition is now 30 months in and I hate the room with my whole heart, but we’re in a bit of a lull as we have to wait a few weeks before a certain part of the project can be started, which gives us a short break from the stress of it.
Me: I’ve recently been adding a nap to my routine… and it’s glorious. It’s actually my favorite part of the day, and this little bit of extra sleep has made a big difference in helping me feel better. Last week my sister even said, “You seem better,” because I am. What’s interesting is my body gets more out of an hour nap than a couple hours extra bedtime sleep – yes, I’m weird, but go with what you have. Even better, it makes getting up in the morning easier because I have something to look forward to.
Another major help is I’ve fully embraced how much I value going to church on Sunday. The right church and relationships there can make a huge difference. Church was actually my highlight of 2024. Someone asked, “Weren’t your kids the highlight?” That was hilarious.
Both of these factors have helped me feel better, which makes a big difference in my overall mood. I’m a little less grumpy and I look more rested. It also helps me with the second and arguably more important factor in what I’m doing different. In our 18 years together I’ve become better at brushing things off that my wife says and does that I used to get defensive about. Now, I’m much better at simply letting it be: “She’s just having a moment.”
My Wife: My wife has not been getting more sleep. If anything she’s been getting less sleep because our baby is a terrible sleeper. The baby, however, has made her exceedingly happy. Being the third baby she’s more confident as a mom and appreciating all the little things, which helps her overall mood.
This sense of confidence has helped her do the one thing I’ve been hoping she would do our entire relationship: See me from a more positive light. At the heart of the majority of our fights throughout our relationship is her assuming the worst of me and feeling hurt when she shouldn’t feel hurt, and then I’d get defensive out of my own hurt for being seen as a bad person. This means, instead of me helping her feel cared about, she’d be more hurt, which would lead to an attack. It was an unfortunate cycle. The reality is it’s pretty much guaranteed we’ll end up back in that cycle at some point in the future since trust levels ebb and flows, but it’s pretty great being able to see what it’s like to both be better at not taking things personally.
Both: Overall, I’d say our personal changes have helped us be nicer to each other, and the nicer we are to each other the easier it is to be nicer to each other. My parents had one fight in their 37 years together and I now have a taste as to why.
This week may you consider what will help you be better for your partner.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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