I used to be scared of aggressive people, but now I love them. I better considering my wife is aggressive. Actually, she’s an interesting mix. She only appears aggressive with a select lucky few (yea, for special treatment). I used to be scared of aggressive people because I grew up scared of yelling. Fortunately, I’ve learned that yelling isn’t an exclusively aggressive behavior. In fact, it’s people who are bottled up and explode (like me) that are scarier. Aggressive people are a lot of bark, but then it’s done and everyone carries on. An explosion, on the other hand, is bigger and takes time for the dust to settle. An explosion can be more “You deserved that. See what you made me do?” or “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I said all that,” or “I hate being angry. I feel gross after.”
I’ve also learned there’s a difference between being loud versus yelling. How did I learn this? It’s mostly because I’m loud (that’s an easy way to learn a lesson). Being loud is more of an excitable expression while the other is someone being subconsciously loud to be intimidating in order to get the other to back off. Considering yelling is coming from fear, I shouldn’t be scared – why be scared of a scared person? Fear is an easy emotion to handle – be soothing or give them space. What’s interesting is if you ask most people after being so mad they were yelling, “Earlier when you were upset, were you angry at me or the situation?” They’d say, “The situation.” Either way, the emotion coming out was likely exacerbated by external variables like the person was tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or just releasing built up emotion. Fear is not only what’s behind yelling, it’s also what’s behind people trying to look intimidating with that “I’m trying to be tough look.” I used to be intimidated, but now I know those are just scared people trying not to look scared. It can be a social anxiety or it’s a fear they’ll look weak to others so they’re overcompensating. Again, why be scared of a person who’s scared? Be extra kind and gentle to show you’re safe or give them space. If people feel safe with you, they’re less likely to attack to defend themselves.
What I should point out is there is a difference between aggressive and mean. Aggressive people aren’t trying to be mean when they’re honest or loud. That’s where aggressiveness has been given a bad reputation; it’s been confused with a more aggressive passive aggressive person who is mean to hurt and put people in their place. Passive aggressive behavior has a mix of both passive and aggressive – hence the name. This means it can be more aggressive and direct or more backstabbing and subtle. Either way, it’s meant to hurt and give the person a sense of control and superiority. Aggressive people tell you off to your face, but passive aggressive people will go for your throat. They’ll be sharp, jab driven, give digs to knock you down, and give this impression of disgust. It’s demeaning, degrading, and leaves you feeling like dirt. Aggressive people are reactive and act without thinking about the consequences whereas passive aggressive people are spiteful and want to you feel it. Aggressive behavior comes from fear whereas passive aggressive is more contempt and “You disgust me.” An aggressive person might call you stupid in the moment, but it’s just an emotional outburst. It might make you “feel” stupid because they called you that, but that wasn’t their intention. It’s not meant to stick with you (even though it likely will). A passive aggressive person, however, will make you question your sanity because it gives them power and control over you. This can be because they think they’re better than you or because they have fear and the control helps them reduce it. What’s interesting is a passive aggressive person wants you to feel stupid and they’ll typically do it without calling you stupid. They’re often sneakier than that.
Last week I did a funeral for a friend’s dad who was old school Croatian married to an old school Serbian woman – not your usual mix. Their three grownup kids spoke during the ceremony, and it was probably the greatest set of speeches ever shared at a funeral. They were each very unique, heartfelt, and hilarious. It was incredible how honest they were with the good and bad for both them and their dad. It was refreshingly genuine in a world that’s more social media influenced with fake presentations. They were a family where aggressiveness ruled. They were loud. They were quick to be angry and quick to calm down. They’d tell each other off without a second thought, yet their ability to get over grievances is astounding. Knowing what I know about them, I can’t imagine a family having more love for each other. As a Canadian in 2024 and raised in a very passive home, their love looks very different than what I was raised to think was how love is supposed to look. But love doesn’t mean being emotionless or even everyone always getting along. Love is helping each other feel understood and letting the hurt go, so you can all move on to face what’s next.
To take this to another level, people can be divided into more than just aggressive or not aggressive. For instance, we can consider there being three aggressive options plus one:
- Outward Aggressive: These people can attack others, which can make them intimidating to some
- Inward Aggressive: These people are more pushovers with others, but can attack themselves. This leaves them with a high risk of depression and anxiety issues, especially when they get taken advantage of by others. This can lead to them hiding from social situations because those will set them up to be hurt and/or give them ammunition to attack themselves later.
- Outward & Inward Aggressive: These people can attack others and themselves. This leaves them with a high risk of attacking others while also having depression and anxiety issues.
- Shutdown: These people are at a very high risk of depression and anxiety because not having any aggression will leave them feeling weak, helpless, and a high risk of burnout.
Here’s another option for how to look at aggressive behavior:
5 Different Aggressive Options:
- Can be Aggressive to Anyone: These people are not afraid to speak their mind.
- Can be Aggressive with a Select Few: These people are not afraid to speak their mind with some people
- Can be Aggressive on Special Occasions: Playing sports or something outside of everyday life can bring out aggressive behavior for these people.
- Can be Aggressive to themselves: These people tend to get mean to themselves.
- No Aggression (Just take it): They end up feeling weak and helpless.
This week may you consider the benefits of being aggressive and how you can use it more in your own life.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)