What’s the Intention?

Every night before I go to bed I sit on my couch and do some type of journaling and reading to decompress from the day.  It’s at this time that my cat, the one who baptized me with his nose cannon as described in last week’s post, usually joins me.  He loves to sleep on my lap, which is a practical way for him to say “For my bed, I like sleeping on rock hard muscular legs, with rippling, curvy quads.”  At least that’s what I tell myself.  The thing is I need to tell myself positive messages because my cat is vicious.  No, he doesn’t hiss or bite.  He doesn’t even have any claws to scratch me with by accident.  What he does is much worse.  He has the need to knead.  It’s called kneading because it’s like kneading dough the way the cat works a spot he’s planning to sleep.  When a cat does this on your lap it’s like a really weak massage from a baby with stumpy fingers pushing into you over and over.  It sounds cute on paper doesn’t it? “Ah, he must love you.”  Screw that, he’s a jerk.  His kneading has a multiple level of crappiness.  On the surface, it’s incredibly annoying because it’s like someone fluffing his pillow for twenty minutes: “It’s fluffed enough.  It’s not getting any fluffier. Move onto step two of going to bed.”  The worst part of this is my cat doesn’t do this on my legs.  He goes straight for my stomach.  Now, I’ll be the first to admit I don’t have a six pack, but when I’m standing I look slim.  Sit me down and suddenly there’s some extra skin… some very thick, roll like skin… I hesitate to call it my fat… but it is.  Like most people I have the sit down fat; this is the fat you don’t know you have until you sit down, which is incredibly obvious if you’re naked on a toilet (there’s a pleasant image for you).  I don’t have to be naked to be on the toilet, but sometimes right before a shower you realize: “Oh wait, I better go first,” and it would be weird to put on clothes so you just sit and go.  I don’t take off my clothes to go to the bathroom, although that would be hilarious to do as a joke in a public bathroom, especially at a urinal when there’s a big line.  Suddenly, I have my choice of urinals and no one beside me to make me feel awkward… although the person who records it and puts it on youtube would make me feel awkward later.

Anyway, my sit down fat is where my cat likes to knead.  My cat goes straight for my fat.  The one thing I’m really insecure about and he’s right there squishing it over and over reminding me that I love cookies too much.  I’ll tell him not to, which is a brilliant idea I know.  I’ll push him to lie down. I’ve tried hissing… I should have made sure other people weren’t around for that.  I’ve even tried throwing him across the room… just kidding; please don’t call PETA on me.  No matter what, the cat comes back the very next day stubby finger massaging me: “Your fat, your fat, I like to squish your fat cuz you’re fat.”  I wouldn’t even remember I was fat sitting down if he didn’t do that.  What a jerk.  He’s so mean… or is he?

So often we get hurt by people with things they say or do when the truth is they had no intention of hurting us.  It’s easy to hear something and be defensive: “How could you say that!”  Because being mad is better than being sad.  We want to be angry rather than to hurt when if we simply said: “That hurt, did I hear that right?”  If we calmly clarified, we’d often discover that the person had no intention of hurting us.  Instead, our natural instinct is normally to get angry and say something like: “You’re a jerk” causing the other person to get defensive in response thereby initiating an unnecessary fight.  This happens with couples all the time.  I know for myself, I’ve often said things and my girlfriend has been offended, but my intention was simply to be funny: “Why are you angry? I wanted you to laugh and be happy.”  Fortunately, we’re much better now; I’m better at knowing how to be funny and she knows to check: “Did you mean to be a turd like you sounded?”(not a direct quotation).  This has saved a lot of unnecessary fighting because she’s been able to clarify what my intention was before being defensive.

If you’re ever offended remember to check the intention because behind every behaviour is an intention.  Sometimes the intention is actually positive when the behaviour is a poor choice.  Thus, if we can take a moment to consider what the intention is behind the behaviour we can avoid a lot of unnecessary hurt and conflict.  Therefore, clarification will lead to even healthier and stronger relationships.  So this week, may you love others enough to clarify what they say or do, and may you also love yourself enough to clarify and not be defensive right away.