When I go to conferences to promote my book, Emotional Sex: Making Good Relationships Great, (a sweet book… as in it’s good not that it tastes like chocolate… although that is an interesting concept; books that you can also eat) I have a sign that asks “What’s Your Relationship IQ?”. These questions are not meant to cause fights… although I’ve seen that happen a few times, which is pretty funny: (angry girl) “What do you mean you don’t know?” (guy angry at me for having this sign) “I hate you… not you honey I mean the guy who posted this sign.” The truth is if questions like these cause a fight you are in trouble. There is something not healthy about your relationship you need to address because you shouldn’t be hurt if your partner doesn’t know something about you. It should just be a: “What do you know? I learned something new.” These questions are ultimately meant to create conversation and help the couple understand themselves and each other better. The odds are people who just started dating will be better at answering these questions because they’re in the mode of constantly talking and learning about each other. It’s people like me who have been together awhile who start to make assumptions and take it for granted that you “know” each other because you’ve been together awhile. This is why my book and these questions are so helpful. They get us reconnecting with our partner in a deeper way pushing us beyond the surface of: “How was your day? What show do you want to watch tonight?”
What was sad was so many couples would look at this list and neither would say anything. They were too afraid to be wrong. The guys were the worst. So often their partner would stop to read these questions and he’d stand in horror hoping she wouldn’t ask him to answer anything: (guy looking like a deer caught in the headlights) “Please, please, please don’t let her ask me a question.” The bottom line is we should feel so safe in our relationship that we have no problem making guesses and being wrong. This is especially true in this case because, as you’ll see, these questions aren’t easy. Many times people won’t be able to answer these questions very easily for themselves, but that’s the point. It’s meant to make us stop and think. Ultimately, we need to be continually working at knowing ourselves and our partner with what we like and don’t like because we are constantly in flux. We are not stagnant… if we are we’re in trouble.
This week may you discover things about you and your partner you’ve either forgotten or never knew.
Rev. Chad David, Emotional Sex, emotional tune up
What’s Your Relationship IQ? (The Expanded Version)
What are the top 3 things your partner finds attractive about you?
If you wanted to make your partner screaming mad, what thing(s) could you do?
What is your partner’s favourite aspect of being intimate?
What is one fear your partner wishes he/she could overcome?
What is the one thing you can do that will help your partner feel loved in that moment?
If you were getting married today, who would be in your partner’s half of the wedding party?
What’s one thing your partner wishes you’d do more for yourself?
How would your partner define the perfect night?
How would your partner define the perfect vacation?
What are three things on your partner’s bucket list?
What are the three main reasons your partner is with you?