Two years ago I took a small group of young people to Chicago on an urban mission trip where we worked with various organizations that help the less fortunate. I’ve led a good number of these trips through a group called Center for Student Missions (www.csm.org), but this time I encountered a new type of challenge and her name was Jessica. No, she wasn’t a terror or the possible spawn of Satan… I think; it was never confirmed. Jessica was a wonderful young lady and one of her gifts/challenges is that she was born with cerebral palsy, which physically restricts her to using either a walker or wheelchair depending on the activity. No, this wasn’t the problem either… I’m not that big a jerk. I didn’t even mind that our housing wasn’t wheelchair accessible… I would have, of course, if Jessica was 500pds… or if she complained when the person carrying her up the stairs hit her head off a wall or railing. I wish I was joking about that last point. Where we stayed was a two story house with winding stairs and to follow the Christian etiquette of separating boys and girls one floor was designated for each of the respective genders. Naturally the girls were put on the top floor. A couple guys including myself took turns carrying Jessica up and down the stairs, which led to us creating a game: who could hit her head off the wall and banister the least. I’m not sure who won… definitely not Jessica. I think her head was accidently bumped at least once a trip up and down the stairs. My worst record was three head shots in a trip. In my defence they were really windy stairs… and I’m easily distracted.
Working with Jessica led to a new challenge for me because I’m naturally a giver; I like to do things for people. I’m also someone who likes to do things fast and efficiently in order to move onto the next thing… this didn’t help Jessica’s head: (me) “Let’s see how fast we can go.” (Jessica) “Let’s not.” (me) “Why?” (bang) (me) “Never mind, you’re right.” Jessica preferred other people carrying her… I didn’t blame her… I definitely didn’t win the game of who could hit her head the least. Fortunately, she’s a blond so any residual brain damage from the head banging has gone unnoticed.
These two factors, added to working with Jessica, made this trip particularly meaningful to me because it forced me to do things differently. Ultimately, I discovered that I am in some ways I have an emotional disability. I need to be the one to do things and I need to do them fast, but with Jessica I couldn’t. She had a brilliant mind for creativity and language (she affectionately referred to me as a nagging fru-fru dog), but she struggled to get her body to move the way she wanted (It was stubborn like her… I mean…). Thus, working with Jessica forced me to slow down and to see helping others in a different way. It would’ve been very easy for me to do everything for her, but that wouldn’t have really helped her. Doing everything for her would’ve in fact been damaging to her self-esteem and sense of self worth. People are created to do things. If everything is done for us we end up feeling useless whether we asked for it or not.
On the third day I noticed I was treating Jessica like she was helpless so I suddenly stopped; I completely stopped. In fact, I became heartless… or at least as heartless as I can be. For instance, we had a big eleven seater van that was hard for her to get in and out of, which I originally helped her do, but then nope; not anymore. I would wait patiently for her to do it herself… and it nearly killed me. I wanted to help and hurry things up, but this was as much my lesson as it was hers. The next day I took her to the doctors… not for that; she didn’t hurt herself getting in and out of the van. She had an ear infection. At one point she wanted to get up on the sidewalk. She asked for help and again I said no – I don’t know who was more surprised when I said that her or me. I remember thinking I can say no? I think she was thinking he can say no? If anyone saw this they would think he can’t say no; what a turd: (person with walker) “Hi, I’m using a walker and can’t get up on the sidewalk; can you help?” (person nearby) “No, screw you.” I added the last part because that’s what it would’ve sounded like to an outsider. I may have said no, but I didn’t go that extra mile. After the shock of saying no I then stood to the side as she tried to figure out how to get up on the curb. The problem was she couldn’t lift the front of her walker high enough to get up. She tried over and over. Each time I laughed and ridiculed her… that’s a joke. I’m not that mean. I actually stood by encouraging her and soon said: “Okay, you clearly can’t lift the walker up this way. What’s another option?” She suggested walking down the street to a drive way and rolling up. That was a great answer, buuuuut I wouldn’t let her. I told her she had to get over the curb where she was. She eventually realized if she went backwards she could climb on the curb with the walker still on the road and then she could pull the walker up backwards. She couldn’t lift it straight up, but she could pull it up. She was so excited when she did it.
The rest of the week followed a similar pattern of me telling her to do it herself. It was great seeing her growing more independent. I could spin this to sound like I’m a really great person, but the truth is sometimes it drove me crazy waiting for her to do it herself. I kept thinking I could do this quicker myself. I should just do it and get it over with, but this experience was as much a lesson for me as it was for her. I had to force myself to step back and not help. Talk about a challenge. At the one soup kitchen my group was supposed to deliver food trays. I ended up grabbing Jessica, who was in a wheelchair, giving her a tray and pushing her to the person to whom she was to deliver it. I could’ve done it so much faster on my own and without ramming anyone’s heals, buuuuut I would’ve missed out on seeing her face as she handed the people their food. She was elated. Better still, in my six mission trips I’ve never seen homeless people be so warm to a volunteer. Having someone in a wheelchair give them their food created a special connection. It was amazing to see and it took me backing off for this to happen.
There are many people who like to give like me. There are many people who like to do things quickly and efficiently like me. Unfortunately, few people have had the privilege of working with someone like Jessica who taught me that sometimes the most important gift is to let someone do something on their own no matter how long it takes or how inefficient it appears. Only by letting people experience things for themselves will they be able to grow their abilities and their self worth. Fortunately, Jessica taught me that I have a disability and it’s something on which I need to work. I need to be patient and to back off sometimes.
This week may you find ways to step back and let others step up and do something… unless you’re the person who needs to step up and then this week may you find the courage to step up and try new things on your own.
Rev. Chad David, Emotional Sex