A common problem in communication is someone not sharing. From my experience, there are seven basic reasons why this happens.
- Punishment: Not sharing as punishment makes the person mean. I used to be bad for this as I thought not talking to show my anger was better than yelling, but it’s a power move that’s mean. If this is suspected, it’s good to ask, “Are you not talking to me to prove something or do you need space?” or “Are you not talking to me because you don’t want to say something you’ll regret or is it to get me to realize you’re upset,” or “Are you processing something or wanting me to ask how you’re doing?” It’s good to ask a question like this with two options in order to not assume the worst of the other person and to open the door to dealing with the situation: “You need space? Okay, so we’ll talk tomorrow.” “You want me to know you’re upset? Okay, I’m glad I asked… now what?”
- Misguided: Some people consider it strength to be “stoic,” but they’re what I like to call dumb-dumbs. Being guarded (another word for stoic) isn’t positive; it creates distance. It takes more strength to be vulnerable and share our heart than to shut it down.
- Nothing to Say: Sometimes people don’t share because they need a good question or lead to stimulate their brain enough to get them to have something to say. That’s often what small talk tries to do – find something that stimulates better sharing.
Tip: Some people hate small talk, but it’s valuable. It’s like foreplay; you need to warm up before getting deeper. Even as a therapist I need some warm up with clients. Some people get stuck on small talk because they’re afraid to share more or that’s all they’re looking for because it’s less conflict risk and/or they’re relaxed and content.
- Don’t Know How to Share: Sometimes people don’t share because they don’t know how. I was blessed with a mom who trained me to share about my day and now my wife gets the benefit. That being written, I was recently out with a group of buddies, the first time in a year, and I went to share a story only to realize I’d forgotten how. It’s like riding a bike. You might always remember how to ride a bike, but it doesn’t mean you’re as good as you once were if you’re out of practice.
- Relaxed: Sometimes when someone says they’re fine they really mean they’re fine – they’re content and don’t have a need or desire to talk. Why ruin the moment? After all, some moments are better spent in silence like when you’re staring at the stars or a bonfire.
- Shut Down: People can shut down because they’re worn out socially, the environment is over stimulating, or they felt so attacked their brain has given up. If this is the case, the last thing we should do is attack them for not sharing because that will reinforce the shut down and make us look mean.
- Scared: Many times people don’t say anything because there’s fear. It can be the fear of judgement or criticism like saying the wrong thing or sharing something that will be used against them later.
This last idea, being scared, is something we should look more into because it connects to the idea of trust and safety, which is about the trust that we’ll be given the benefit of the doubt and anything that seems off will be double checked. If trust and safety is on a scale of 0 to 10 with 10 being the most we trust someone to hear what we’re saying and not use it against us and 0 meaning we’re screwed with anything we say or do, there’s a huge difference in how we can hear each other. For instance, I know if my wife and I are in a bad spot (it can happen because we’re human) and we’re at a 2 or 3 (the common numbers I hear as a therapist from couples), even if I say a great joke, I’m screwed because she’ll hear an insult. Meanwhile, if we’re in a good spot and at an 8 (we should never be 10 because then we get cocky and not have enough of a social filter), I can say a joke that doesn’t work and I’m fine because she knows I’m not trying to hurt her; it just came out wrong. Working at having an 8 for trust is well worth it because that’s when you feel loved.
I should note if we feel trust and safety at a 2-3 with our partner, it’s almost guaranteed our partner feels the same with us. There’s never one good one. Both people will be low. For instance, if I feel trust and safety with my wife at a 2-3, it’s guaranteed she’s feeling the same with me. Even if I’m on my best behavior, it won’t matter. Trust and safety is something both people need to be working on for it to grow.
Typically when a spouse complains their partner doesn’t share very much it’s fear based. If someone isn’t sharing, there’s a good chance they’re afraid of you specifically or people in general. For instance, I’m supposed to be a professional communicator, but when it comes to talking to celebrities, authority figures, or angry women I get tongue tied. In these situations, the fear is less about the person and more about the power position. If our spouse is specifically afraid of us, the good news is we have the power to fix that as we become nicer and/or better listeners. Sometimes, however, the fear is based on transference from another relationship and it’s not really about us. For instance, if the person has parents who never listened or they dated/married someone before you who was mean, our partner might still be healing their ability to trust. I’ve been with my wife for almost 18 years and I’ll still have the odd moment where I need to remind her that I’m not her sister growing up. She lived with her sister for over 25 years, so that mentality is pretty engrained. Ultimately, I need to be safe enough to help remind her with my actions that I’m different than a teenage girl who might borrow her clothes and not return them if I want any hope of reducing this. If I get angry at her for treating me like her sister, I’ll only add to the mistrust: “See? You’re no different.”
The problem is most times when someone doesn’t share, our brain will tell us that it’s because the person doesn’t like us, but as the above list proves, that’s not the case; it didn’t even make the list. If someone doesn’t like you, there’d be a reason like you screwed them over in some way (or you remind them of someone else who did). In most cases, when someone isn’t sharing, there’s a bump that needs to be pushed over. For instance, sometimes the other person isn’t sharing because you’re not asking a good question or giving space to talk. My wife comes from a family of ADD and they just talk. Even if no one’s listening, they’ll talk. In my family, I was raised where you didn’t talk unless you were addressed. It was a big transition for my wife to realize she needed to ask me questions and/or let there be silence if she wanted me to share. Sometimes I try to just share with her now, but I’ve overall become even more only talk when asked because I know with ADD she’s easily distracted or hyper-focused on something else and she might not be in the right headspace to listen.
To improve the chance of sharing, we can try to find a better environment (e.g. a quiet space), a better time of day (e.g. some people are more likely to share at the end of the day), include a certain friend or maybe even some type of witness like a therapist, or try doing a mindless activity together and see if that opens the door to sharing. I find guys are more likely to share walking beside each other, driving in a car, or working on a project together because the focus is on the activity and conversation is allowed to sprout if the moment presents itself.
I should also point out some people aren’t meant to share a lot. I once heard a daughter complain her dad didn’t share with her. This is tricky because he’s the parent. Parents shouldn’t be using their children as their venting partner and there should be limited sharing to externally process a problem. Even now at 44 and a trained professional, my mom never uses me as her sounding board, which I understand. I’m her child. I’m not her equal. She’s more liberal with my sister, but girls have a different connection than with boys. Unfortunately, for this daughter wanting her dad to share more, women tend to find stronger connection in heartfelt conversations, but guys typically bond better through joking and doing things together with conversation being a side piece. Sometimes, if we want connection with someone like our parents or kids, we need to adjust our expectations for how we should connect.
Tip: If you know someone who doesn’t really share; it might be helpful to ask if it’s a safety thing or if they’re more of a listener. Oddly enough, even if the person is a listener, this question, will likely get them sharing.
This week may you consider how you can help build trust in order to encourage others to share more with you.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)