Last week I shared a conversation where my wife told me that as a woman she wanted more compliments than I want because she feels like I critique her. Something interesting happened after our conversation… I realized she was right – shocking, I know. I still think her examples as described in the last lesson were terrible, but I’ve since noticed I “critique” her all the time. Of course, I would say I’m making “observations” and giving “guidance” because the word “critique” suggests a slight criticism. Even if that was the case, however, as many husbands would argue, a slight criticism would be a great improvement from what they experience (i.e. full on criticisms and putdowns). What I do isn’t meant to be an even slight criticism, but more of a push to do something differently because she’s making a poor choice (a statement that sounds like a critique).
This experience points out the value of double checking what someone says about us because sometimes we can be doing it and not even realize it. Other times, we’re being misinterpreted or the person is just insane in the membrane, insane in the brain. Yes, that was a Cypress Hill moment; I’m not having a stroke… I think. Even if we believe the other person is loco, it’s good to double check through self reflection like I did because my wife was onto something that I hadn’t really thought about before – the benefit of having a partner; they can see things we don’t.
Before getting into that, however, not only did my last lesson lead to realizing I critique my wife (or give suggestions to be more practical), I also realized I regularly compliment her – bonus. Over the last eighteen years I’ve been learning to be more direct. Wanting people to read between the lines or to guess what I want them to do never worked out for me (or anyone wanting healthy communication). Because of my directness, I’ve also been good at naturally complimenting my wife. For instance, after she tells me something, I will respond with things like “That’s a good choice,” “That was smart,” and “That worked out well.” Those are all compliments. Unfortunately, it’s like saying thank you to someone in the moment; the affirmation is often missed or overlooked because it’s so natural. This means we have three options: My wife has to pay closer attention to the compliments, I need to give her a compliment at a specific time at the end of the day when she’s ready to hear it, or we simply not worry about compliments as much. The third one sounds great to me, but maybe that’s my guy laziness kicking in.
Now back to the critique. Here’s a real example. The other day the kids were having a play date and my wife covered the dining room table with craft supplies and I pointed out that was a terrible idea. Why? Because a lot of things lead to a lot of mess. They should have only had a few things out for the kids, but both my wife and the other mom laughed at this idea… and then had a giant mess to clean up. This also meant the kids wasted a bunch of craft supplies because there was waaaaaaayyyyyyy too much put out for them. No matter what age you are, too much of something causes you to not take care for it the same as if you only have a little. Of course, the question remains: Was I criticizing my wife here or was I trying to prevent her from having a bigger mess than necessary?
Another time my wife could argue I critique her (this is an ongoing issue) is regarding the shoes she wears around the house. For quite some time, at the end of the day, she’d complain that her feet hurt. She started wearing shoes around the house and that helped a little. At Christmas we went to the Running Room for her to look at better shoes than slip-ons. The lady working there pointed out that my wife had a foot issue and should buy one of their special shoes for special feet. That’s not the technical term she used, but as I pointed out in my last lesson, my wife wasn’t going to be a foot model (something I write because I think I’m hilarious). After trying on a handful of special shoes for special girls, my wife picked the pair that was best for correcting her problem. Not only were they the most expensive pair in the group, but they were the most expensive shoes I’ve ever purchased (but I’m a guy, so that may not mean a lot to women). After trying the shoes around the house, my wife told me they made a huge difference in reducing her foot pain compared to any shoe she’s worn – that’s great. Guess what I did almost every day now for over a month since buying them before I gave up. Did you guess admiring her expensive shoes? Nope. I had been pointing out to her that she wassn’t wearing them because she either “forgot” or she didn’t want to take the couple minutes to put them on – brilliant. I didn’t know buying expensive shoes meant I’d have a new job – shoe warden. Of course, to avoid being condescending, I do my best to keep any comments light and avoid any add-on jab comment. Ultimately, I don’t really care if she wears the shoes because I’m not the one who will have foot pain later, but my patience for hearing her complaints about foot pain is greatly reduced. If I tell her about wearing the shoes, however, the question remains: Am I criticizing her or trying to protect her?
When it comes to “critiquing”, I find guys suggest doing something to make it easier and more efficient (or reduce someone complaining) while women tell you to do something, so it’s done “right” or “perfect”. Personally, if someone has a way for me to do something faster and/or better, I’m happy to hear it. I want to be at my best. My wife, however, like a lot of women, can see this as being judged and potentially hurtful because she works so hard to do things right. The communication challenge here becomes knowing our audience and considering whether they want to hear what we want to say or if we’re being selfish spouting off what we “feel” like saying. This is one of the reasons why I stopped telling her to wear the expensive, pain reducing shoes.
Tip: Before giving your opinion, it’s often best to ask permission: “Can I give a suggestion?” Giving the suggestion without asking first can feel like you’re talking down or trying to control the other person.
This week may you consider whether you’re critiquing and/or complimenting your partner without realizing it.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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