Why Doesn’t my Husband Compliment Me?

A client once told me that her husband never complimented her, and my first thought was, “I’m sorry, are you trying to impersonate my wife?” I didn’t go with that response, but it’s not wrong… for a husband.  Now, I’m not saying “every” husband, but every normal husband.  If a man’s been married awhile and is complimentary to his wife my first thought is: “What are you up to? You’re either doing something bad and overcompensating or you’re really insecure.”  Am I cynical? Yes, but in this situation I think I’m being fair.  Yes, there are exceptions, but in my opening when I wrote, “I was once listening to a client…” I wasn’t thinking of any specific person.  I was thinking of the many, many wives who have told me this over the years because it’s a pretty common complaint about men who’ve been married for awhile.  In general, men are not known for being thoughtful – another very common complaint about husbands – which connects very well to them being bad at giving compliments… or flowers, or making date nights, or thinking of chores to do without being told.  Yes, I’ve met women who will say their guys are very thoughtful and good at complimenting them… but they’ve always been in newer relationships.  Guys can be incredible at thoughtfulness and generosity when they’re trying to win the woman over, but suddenly… done.  I learned this with my sister’s first real boyfriend at 18 who bought her this elaborately decorated Christmas tree for their first Christmas and then filled her room with roses for their first Valentines.  The next year… pretty much nothing.  My dad was also bad at being thoughtful and giving compliments, but he got a lot better when my sister was reminding him to do it.  This leads to an important point: A guy tends to be at his best when he has a woman reminding him to be thoughtful.  This is best done by a mom, sister, daughter, or his wife’s friend.  I might be biased, but a mistress is never a good choice.

So why are guys so bad at giving compliments to their wives? The answer… not simple.  Sorry.  There are actually many different reasons a guy might be a butthead (I’ll own that title).  Please know, these aren’t excuses, but understanding can be a starting point for improving.

1. Jerk: This is typically how it feels for the person who’s not receiving the compliments they want, but there are other reasons.
2. You Don’t Love Me: This is another feeling the person wanting compliments but not receiving them might feel.
3. Loyalty/Complacent: In my book 52 Lessons for a Better Relationship I discuss how guys are the loyal gender while women are the passion driven gender.  The downside of being loyal is you end up being complacent and put up with things that we could change.
4. Vulnerability: Giving a compliment can feel vulnerable.  It’s opening up your heart in a way that can be uncomfortable to some.
5. They can be Insulting or a Sign of Weakness: Giving and/or needing compliments can feel like something weak people need or do.
6. Fear of Positivity: Some people are in such a negative funk, that’s all they can see.
7. Out of Practice: Sometimes we get rusty at things we neglect.  This can include being thankful, polite, and complimentary.
8. Not Trained to Do It: Guys are very much the product of their training whether it’s from their parents, siblings, friends, TV, and other social influences.  Sometimes it’s never even been on their radar.
9. Lack Motivation: One of the reasons newer relationship guys are so complimentary is it’s fueled by horniness.  As a Dad of three young kids the sexiest thing to me is being able to nap… the thing I used to judge old men for saying, but totally understand now.
10. It’s Normal: When you’re used to something you don’t see it as special.  I’ve had times where I’ve said, “Thank you for not doing (blank) like this other person did,” but that’s not normally the compliment a wife is looking for because it’s too practical.  Otherwise my wife is pretty consistent, so there isn’t anything that stands out to be complimented.  For instance, why would I compliment her looks if she is always consistently looking the same?
11. Not Enough Time Apart: Compliments are easier when there’s been some distance and you can see a difference.  For instance, if someone loses weight, it’s always easier to notice seeing someone after they’ve lost 10 pounds than a few pounds at a time.
12. Not Observant/Distracted: Some guys just don’t see things because we’re not paying that close attention.  Napkins? I don’t care. Earrings? Not seeing them unless they’re big and gaudy.  Guys care more about the overall picture.
13. They Don’t Care: Let’s be honest; how many guys care about a woman’s outfit, accessories, or haircut? As long as it’s not ugli-fying they’re content and content doesn’t inspire compliments: (guy) “There’s nothing standout ugly on you.  Good job.”
14. Not a Fan of Compliments: In this way, he’s living the Golden Rule; he’s doing for his wife what he’s looking for – nothing.
15. Previous Rejections: Sometimes guys don’t like giving compliments because they’ve had them rejected in the past whether from their partner or someone else: (woman) “I look nice today? What about yesterday? Didn’t I look good then?” Another problem can be the guy not wanting to hear an explanation for why the woman doesn’t deserve the compliment.
16. In Survival Mode: Sometimes as a dad I’ve found I end up in survival mode.  When you have to sacrifice so much of what you need to be at your best for the family you’re naturally just focused on getting through the day.  You’re not able to enjoy things the same because you’re worn out.
17. Scared: Sometimes a guy doesn’t compliment his wife because he’s scared of her or the chance of conflict.
18. Given Up: Following the Scared category, giving up is choosing to say nothing because nothing they do seems to be good enough.  If everything you do is met with unpleasantness, you’ll choose the lesser evil – better to get in trouble for saying nothing instead of the wrong thing.
19. Didn’t Want the Wife Doing what She Did: What makes me laugh is when a husband tells his partner not to do something, she does it, and then she wonders why he doesn’t compliment her: “Great job doing that thing I told you not to do, so now I’m annoyed with you.” I’ve had guys tell their wives not to do so much like at Christmas and then when she does it, she doesn’t know why he’s not complimenting me her for all she did.  Logically you don’t reward a bad choice, but even more, you’re not complimenting someone who feels like they brushed you off.
20. Only See What Annoys Them: It’s hard to compliment someone when all you see are the couple things that annoy the heck out of you.  Of course, if this is the case those annoying things should be dealt with in some way in order to reduce the negative perspective.

So is there a fix to the lack of complimenting? Potentially.  It helps to have a guy who’s open to being better at complimenting, but here are three options for how to get started at getting a guy on track for complimenting:
1) At a specific time every week both the husband and wife give each other a compliment.

2) If a compliment is too difficult, at a specific time every day both the husband and wife say one thing they’re thankful the other person did that day like cleaning something, biting their tongue, or doing anything else that we take for granted.

3) If that’s too difficult, at a specific time every day both the husband and wife say one thing they’re thankful that happened that day like sleeping in, someone being nice at work, or anything else that we take for granted.

 

Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)