(Before the ceremony) After 35 years and a 9 year relationship, I will be getting married, which mean I will soon no longer be saying that I’m a 35 year old virgin… assuming my bride doesn’t run away… or that I don’t get into a car accident on the way to the wedding or to the hotel after. That’d actually be a great story: (reporter) “After waiting for marriage to have sex, a 35 year old groom died on the way to the honeymoon hotel. Friends say ‘We told him not to wait so long.’” For some Christians, waiting for marriage isn’t considered that big a deal, but after writing a book called Emotional Sex and mentioning I’ve never had sex even though I was in a healthy relationship, I garnered the attention of many radio and TV hosts because to the average person this is a big deal. Essentially, I’m like a circus freak in some people’s eyes, especially because I have such a beautiful partner: (guys) “Dude, why would you wait? She’s waaaayyy too good for you. Get in there before she leaves you.” This isn’t a direct quote, but it’s pretty close to what I’ve heard… really good for the self esteem.
From my experience I would recommend waiting until marriage… and not just because I’m a reverend who’s supposed to say that. By not having sex during our dating relationship and engagement, Alyshia and I have developed a trust that only 9 years of demonstrated self-control can build. We now both know that the other is capable of saying ‘no’ to very strong temptations, and there were times when we had some very strong temptations… we are human. As a man, I think not having sex before marriage also helps you see women as more than someone or some “thing” to have sex with. Waiting for marriage also helps keep respect in mind when being around the opposite gender. I’m not saying I haven’t seen beautiful women and wondered what they’d look like naked, but at least there’s a limit to my hormonal thinking, which I believe has been helped by my lack of sexual experience. Of course, this thinking is before I’m married, so maybe it’ll change after I have sex. I’m hoping, however, I’ve trained myself to think in a healthier way, so temptation to be more pervy will be limited, but we will see.
(After being married) Now that I am married and talked about this with my beautiful wife (that’s a weird word to write, “wife”… so weird) I feel all the stronger about our decision to wait until marriage. I have always believed that how physical you are with your partner should match your level of commitment with marriage being the ultimate commitment and sex being the ultimate form of physical connection, and now that I’m married I believe it all the more. After a wonderful wedding we still had that one thing left to enjoy. Were we perfectly in sync with each other? No, but we now have something that we can work on together to get better and better at. Because we waited, we have this new form of physicality we can enjoy and experiment with, which most couples don’t have. Most couples will get married and then after be like, “So do we do what we’ve done before? I’m kind of tired, so whatever.” Having something like this to share is an incredible thing, especially as we are now starting a whole new life together.
Do I recommend not doing anything physically before marriage? No. For me, I think too much physicality reduces the marriage and sex experience and so does too little. I know a few couples who waited until the wedding to have their first kiss, but that’s a whole lot of new things happening at once. I believe the ultimate path for a relationship is to slowly develop a physical connection enjoying every little step along the way from holding hands to hugging to cuddling to kissing to longer kissing to touching (you can interpret this as you choose; I won’t set a rule on this because this is a personal area) with sex being saved until marriage. This way you have something to look forward to while at the same time still having a comfort and connection with each other beforehand. A physical connection with someone is a wonderful thing, and it can be made all the more wonderful when you don’t rush things. In addition, waiting for marriage is wise because it helps men learn the importance of foreplay while helping women realize they deserve the opportunity to know what foreplay things they like. Ultimately, if you want your wife/co-habitating partner to want sex, you need to make sure she enjoys it, which means you need to do more than just “sex”; you need to do the little things that make her feel comfortable, sexy, and loved.
Saving sex until marriage isn’t about being a prude or old fashioned; it’s about learning to respect yourself, your partner, and physical intimacy, which should help you enjoy it even more.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people