(Please note: this discussion in no way implies judgement against those who think differently from me; I am, however, trying to point out a different way of thinking.)
I want to marry someone who is terrible at sex… that’s not the usual statement people make, but for me I definitely don’t want someone who is a professional at it. If I’m getting Lasik eye surgery done then yes I want a professional; I want someone with lots of experience, but when it comes to sex I want the opposite. I want someone like me: inexperienced. But Chad inexperience means you’re going to be bad at it. Yes, and isn’t that awesome? Since neither my girlfriend nor I have had sex, we won’t know what we’re missing. More importantly, sex is supposed to be something you learn together. Together, we’ll learn how to be good. Together, we’ll learn what each other likes and doesn’t like. Together, as a fully committed couple, is how sex was meant to be experienced.
I’ve recently been watching the television show Boston Legal, which is about a very reputable law firm that tends to have lawyers with pants as loose as their sexual convictions if you know what I mean… I love that phrase “if you know what I mean” because just writing it gives away what I’m trying to mean. You can’t use this phrase anymore without it being considered dirty (guy ordering): “I’d like the quarter chicken meal with fries… if you know what I mean.” (cashier) “I’m sorry, was that supposed to be an innuendo?” Adding ‘if you know what I mean’ to random sentences is actually a lot of fun. Using it in everyday situations certainly throws people off. “I have to walk my dog… if you know what I mean.” “I have to go to work… if you know what I mean” “I have to visit your mom… if you know what I mean.” What a wonderful way to freak people out (and annoy)… if you know what I mean.
Anyway, on this show, Boston Legal, the men are often bragging about how good they are at sex. They even try to convince women to sleep with them by saying they’re really good. First off, any guy who says he’s really good… probably not. Second, sex isn’t a solo sport, which means even if you are somehow good at it, how good the experience is depends on how good both of you are together; the key is together because without chemistry you can take two very “skilled” people and it’ll still be bad, which disproves the notion of the more experience the better. I recently heard a friend brag that he was really good at sex. I congratulated him, but in my mind I was thinking yeah, right. Not to be mean (more judgemental), but how does he really know? For one, the girls he’s asked could be lying. Most girls aren’t going to say “Wow, you were terrible;” most will just say that was good and then mock you to their friends behind your back. Second, if the girl thinks you’re good maybe she just has really low expectations. Maybe everyone she’s been with before had really weird habits like while being together they screamed like Tarzan or they liked to serenade their partner with show tunes “Popular, you’re going to be popular. I’ll teach about proper poise when you talk to boys…” (Wicked). That would… take away from the experience. Ultimately, knowing if you’re good at sex is more a qualitative than a quantitative study so it’s left to interpretation thereby holding little overall value… that’s all I pretty much remember from my one Masters class: opinion based studies hold little merit.
I point this out because I think it’s sad that some people get worried they haven’t had enough sexual partners to build their so-called repertoire. That’s not how you get good at sex. That’s how you get diseases and problems of jealousy and a calloused heart. Just because you know a few tricks doesn’t mean you’re good. It just means you know a few tricks: “Look I can juggle.” Being good at sex involves reading your partner in the moment and to be able to open yourself up to be pleasured, which takes feeling safe and cared about (aka intimacy). One night stands and random drunken sex isn’t intimate; it’s like Kraft Dinner. It’s a meal, but it’s crap. It can be so much better, but unfortunately so many people are settling because of loneliness, desperation, hormonal thoughts and a lack of self-control and respect.
The other day a young lady on the radio said “It’s just sex.” It’s just sex? Really? I was told most people who talk this way have been sexually abused, which is very sad. But even if that’s not the case and you believe it’s just sex that’s fine; that’s your choice. My question, however, is if it’s just sex what is more than “just”? Is there anything special? Is there anything sacred? What a sad life we’ll have if we don’t hold anything to be special or have something special to share with the one we truly love. Sex is a gift and it should be enjoyed, but who we enjoy it with shouldn’t be taken lightly. How you treat sex is your choice, but I know I have no regrets waiting until marriage for sex… I have regrets that I didn’t grow up quicker and was capable of being married, but that’s another issue.
This week, whether you’ve had sex or not may you start to see it as something special and whether you experience it now or later (like me) may you experience it in a wonderful way… if you know what I mean… that phrase really is fun to use… if you know what I mean.
Rev Chad David, Emotional Sex, emotional tune up