Yes, Lindsay Lohan has daddy issues (I have both her CDs so I know… no, I’m not bragging that I have her CDs… in fact I’m not sure why I’m admitting to owning them), but that’s not what’s keeping her stuck in the rehab rut… the rehab rut being where she keeps having to go back to rehab. There is a much bigger reason why she can’t escape her cycle of drugs and debauchery. If I was able to work with her there are two main things on which I would focus. First, I’d make her learn and apply the 6 Steps of Forgiveness I provide on this website, and second, she needs a foundation of safety. Anyone who wants to be reasonably sane (hopefully this is something Lindsay wants) needs to establish and maintain this. Many rock bands that suddenly make it big end up falling apart because they don’t maintain their foundation of safety. Many Hollywood couples (and non Hollywood couples) end up divorcing because they lose whatever foundation of safety they once had. Anyone who suffers from anger, depression and anxiety is likely missing a foundation of safety. Children from broken homes usually have behavioural and/or emotional troubles because they lack a foundation of safety. Many people try to compensate for not having this by trying to escape by means of self medicating through alcohol, drugs, sex, video games, TV, extreme sports and the like. A foundation of safety is necessary, however, because it refreshes our being: mind, body, heart and spirit, which has become all the more indispensible in our hectic western lifestyles.
A foundation of safety can be broken down into 3 main areas: times, places, and people.
A Safe Time: Everyone should have a set time of day where they can reflect and feel at peace. This can be a time of reflection, meditation, devotions and/or prayer. Some people like to wake up early to do this in order to prepare for the day… ew, not me. Other people like to escape during lunch to clear their heads… I might if I had a normal job and not four. My favourite time of day is the half hour before bed. Everyone else is busy sleeping, so I’m alone and can decompress from the day. It feels safe and I look forward to this time. I have a feeling Lindsay struggles with making time to reflect… especially since a hangover doesn’t count.
A Safe Place: Finding a place that feels safe helps bring any anxiety levels down. For me, my house is a safe zone. It’s a place only people I like are allowed and there’s very little chance of me being yelled at there. It’s a wonderful escape from everywhere else. Many people find nature does the same thing. Unfortunately, a lot of people trade in places of safety for the so-called bigger and better, which is why suburbia box houses are so popular. Unfortunately many people don’t want a home; they want to brag about a house. Thus, houses are more roomy and less homey, and families are more distant and less connected.
Safe People: Everyone needs people of safety around them. People who will listen, offer guidance when requested, and lovingly point out when we’re doing something wrong. These are people who want the best for us and will assume the best of us. This latter part is crucial because when we assume the best in someone we’re not going to be overly defensive, which will leave us better at working out our differences and maintaining the relationship. People who fit this category are hard to come by, especially if you’re rich or famous since you’ll always wonder if the person is simply being nice to you because they’re using you. People of safety can be lost if we spend too much time with them, which is why friends moving into together and spouses working together can be so dangerous; they lose the safety factor and become someone who is targeted and targets their anger at their partner.
Safe people should be quality people. Unfortunately, quality people are becoming harder to find. Even proper role models have become scant as the older generation has become more worried about work than helping the younger generation and the younger generation is often too cocky or prideful to want guidance. Of course, in order to acquire people of safety we need to first start being a person of safety for others. The good news is the more I’ve worked at this, the better the relationships I’ve gathered.
Ultimately, we want to aim to have all three, safe times, places and people, in order to strengthen our foundation of safety. One or two of them is good, but all three leaves us all the healthier.
This week may you discover the joys of having time, places and people of safety. May you show them gratitude and start to protect them more as they grow you as a person.
Rev. Chad David. Emotional Sex, emotional tune ups